---

Racism has no place. Anywhere. It's ridiculous and hate-filled and ignorant. We should all be offended that a Zimbabwe newspaper levelled racial slurs against Colin Powell. Racism [as well as the use of age, gender, and sexual orientation to exclude or hate someone] should be rooted out and destroyed.

With this in mind, I'd like to point out a few more people who need to be reminded that hate is not a virtue [I'll leave out Trent Lott and Rick Santorum because I've already bitched about them enough]:

• Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III [Alabama]. He believes the ACLU and NAACP are "community inspired" and "un-American" because they "forced civil rights down the throats of people." Sessions called called a white civil rights lawyer a "disgrace to his race" for litigating voting rights cases. In 1981 during a KKK murder trial, Sessions was overheard saying that he used to think the KKK "were OK" until he discovered that some of them smoked pot.
• Senator Robert Byrd [West Virginia]. For starters, he's a former KKK member and recruiter because the Klan was an "effective force" in "promoting traditional American values." Then there's a myriad of horrible and ugly remarks that he's made over the years.
• Rep. James Moran [Virginia]. Sickeningly anti-Semetic is a phrase I'd use to describe him. His famous quote: "If it were not for the strong support of the Jewish community for this war with Iraq, we would not be doing this."
• Vice President Dick Cheney. Before he was Vice President, he voted against the Equal Rights Amendment, and against sanctions for apartheid South Africa. He has traditionally voted against anything pro-woman, pro-children, and pro-minority. Some things never change.

---

More Fishtown murder brouhaha from the The Daily News this morning. I swear, the neighborhood is full of news vehicles lately. I'm waiting for the day when a local news reporter pops out from behind a tree and asks me what I think of the neighborhood, the kids, and the murder.

I will probably say "No comment" and walk away. It's one thing to rag on the neighborhood here, but it's quite another to have something published locally where it will be read and I will be tracked down and pummelled.

Anyway, my favorite passage from this latest article,

Sweeney, 38, recalled an incident two summers ago, when Jason was hospitalized for a week after being bitten on the elbow by a pit bull in the house of a friend.

Batzig was with Jason at the time but reportedly did nothing to help his friend.

When the Sweeneys tried to pursue legal action against the owner of the dog earlier this year, they found out that Batzig, who had supposedly agreed to testify on Jason's behalf, had switched sides.

"Eddie kept the door closed" so Jason could not flee the house once the attack began, Sweeney said.

"I started realizing this friendship with Eddie was not a friendship," she said.

Feel the love.

---

The chain of command for the Presidency has always sort of held a weird fascination with me. In all likelihood, barring a nuclear event, there will never be a need to even call the third in line [House Speaker]. It seems like Dick Cheney is constantly in an undisclosed location, so the chances of getting both of them seems rather remote.

But yet today when I found out that there's been a bill proposed that would move the Homeland Security Chief [currently Swamp Thing former Pennsylvania governor Tom Ridge] to eighth in line, I wondered if that was a good idea. I mean, the move is proposed because, in the event of a catastrophic occurence, the Homeland Security guru is the best person to be in charge. And I buy that, but why is it eighth position? Why not third or fourth? Is it a weird political thing done so John Ashcroft doesn't feel slighted? He sort of comes off needy, like he'd be really sensitive about that kind of thing.

The current system dates back to the Presidential Succession Act of 1947, signed by President Truman, that specifies that the vice president, the speaker of the House, the president pro tempore of the Senate and the secretary of state are next in line to take over the presidency if necessary. Other Cabinet members are listed according to the date their offices were established.

---

I like women with big brass ones:

By the early 1930s, Hollywood came calling. But in true Hepburn fashion -- which would later both hurt and embellish her career -- she had the audacity to turn down her first contract offer from Paramount Pictures, then make outlandish salary demands when approached by RKO Pictures.

[...]

She defied the era's stereotypes for actresses, dressing unfashionably with no makeup and turning down interviews and autograph requests. Soon she'd attracted the "difficult to work with" label -- and audiences responded by staying away from her movies.

[...]

Behind the scenes, she and [Spencer] Tracy fell in love. The relationship, like Hepburn's life, defied celebrity convention -- the pair never married.(Tracy, a devout Catholic, had been married to another woman since 1928 and remained so until his death), but the love affair lasted until Tracy died in 1967.

I have always admired Katherine Hepburn. She always played by her own rules, and that's the best thing any of us can do. I hate to see her go.

---

Something bizarre happened early this morning. This past Wednesday I posted an entry about the military turning away some injured children. This morning I received an email from the Army Major I quoted in the article, Major David Accetta.

I thought for sure that it was just someone having some fun with me, but the headers check out and look legit. Check it out for yourself:

Return-path:
Envelope-to: nicole@thegofish.com
Delivery-date: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 05:16:32 -0700
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Received: from [10.234.80.2] by akomail1.us.army.mil (mshttpd); Sat,
28 Jun 2003 16:10:02 +0400
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 16:10:02 +0400
From: david.accetta@us.army.mil
Subject: Greetings from Iraq
To: nicole@thegofish.com
Message-id: <511b4c8511aa0e.511aa0e511b4c8@us.army.mil>
MIME-version: 1.0
X-Mailer: iPlanet Messenger Express 5.2 HotFix 1.12 (built Feb 13 2003)
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Priority: normal

Perhaps Major Accetta was googling for his own name or for anything involving this incident. Otherwise, how would he end up here? go fish is not one of those blogs that gets a bazillion hits every day or is widely read for my stunningly brilliant political commentary, like Instapundit or Tom Paine. Ahem. I know that go fish gets hits from .gov and .mil sites on a regular basis, but I'm still taking this with a grain of salt. Anyway, here is the text of Major Accetta's email:

Ma'am,

I happened upon your web site and found this. I can say that I was not offended by this and I enjoyed reading the site. However, I could not let the opportunity pass without sharing a few of my personal observations from Operation Iraqi Freedom.

I will caution you that you can't believe everything you read in the media, especially from a reporter with a clear bias against the U.S. and its actions around the world. I was actually there when those kids arrived, the reporter was not. As for SGT Borell, who began this with his letter to the media, I cannot begin to explain why he believes he has more expert knowledge in the field of medicine than the doctors who evaluated these two children. Yes, there we only two injured children. Another error in the media.

Now, before you begin to think that I am a heartless military bureaucrat, let me tell you that I am married and have two children, a boy and a girl, about the same ages as the Iraqi children. I also know about a child's pain and suffering and the anguish a parent goes through when his child is hurt. Two years ago I lost my youngest son, Alex, at age 7 months after losing the fight with a brain tumor. I spent Father's Day, June 15th, the 2nd anniversary of his death, right here in Iraq.

I was concerned about those Iraqi children, too, but they had already been to an Iraqi clinic and now, over 24 hours later, were at our gate. There is an Iraqi hospital nearby and that's where it is recommended that they go. The military hospital is truly not set up and equipped to care for pediatric patients. It is staffed and equipped to handle adult battle casualties (trauma) and non-battle injuries and illnesses. The small hospital covers the 16,000 soldiers stationed here.

I am enclosing the original email that I sent to Donna Abu-Nasr, the AP reporter. You can see that she used only what she needed to support her angle on the story and generate more sympathy and controversy. It is a 'self-licking ice cream cone'. No matter what we say or do the facts will be manipulated to suit the needs of the writer.

We are doing a great deal here to help the Iraqi people, in a variety of ways, all the while trying to protect the innocent Iraqis, our soldiers and coalition forces and all the aid agencies and journalists here. It is a massive undertaking which is not being made any easier by the lack of cooperation on the part of the Iraqis in general and especially by the Iraqis and foreign elements who spend their days and nights shooting at us while we try to help.

Another view that I saw relating to this issue claims that we caused this and it was our fault for not protecting the hospitals from being looted. Who exactly do people think looted the hospitals? Organized criminal elements? Looting is a national pastime here and is conducted by everyone; men, women, children, old and young alike. You cannot leave your home unattended here as you can in other countries because you do not run the risk of being robbed, you run the risk of coming back and finding out that everything of even the most remote value gone. Looters here will take doors, windows, plumbing, bathroom fixtures, lights, wiring, and duct work.

You really need to be on the ground here to fully understand what it is like. I have been here for 130 days and I spent 6 months in the Persian Gulf in 90-91 during Desert Storm.

I realize that this is a rather lengthy email and that it may come across as being defensive but I wanted to make you aware of the facts that you may not find in the media.

I did truly feel bad for those two kids and I wanted to see them helped. I wish we could help all the children here and maybe someday we will be able to do that. If you had the opportunity to talk to the soldiers here, you would find that the majority of the our people are sympathetic to the Iraqis' plight and are very interested in helping the these people and as quickly as possible improving their overall quality of life. In our own small way now we are doing that and we will enable the Iraqis to help themselves too. But we cannot make them help themselves. It breaks my heart to see the kids here, running around barefoot in the street, most often with absolutely no adult supervision at all. It appears to be ingrained in the culture and they don't seem to be aware of the risks. Of course it is dangerous here; it is a postwar environment and the country is littered with explosives and ordnance, most of it abandoned by the Iraqi Army. Much if it also was looted from Army bases prior to the U.S.
forces arrival. We have units dedicated to policing up and safely disposing of this stuff, just as we have units dedicated to evaluating and assisting medical facilities. These children were injured because they lit the explosive substance on fire. Almost as soon as we arrived here we recognized the dangers to the civilian population and instituted a campaign to warn and educate the local population about these dangers. If I had my way, I would institute the same standards and laws to protect the safety of children that we have, such as child labor laws, seatbelt/car seat laws, nutrition and day care policies.

It appears the Iraqis have not had these in the past and it may be a long time before they have them. But in any case we are here to help and to paraphrase President Teddy Roosevelt, we are doing the best we can, with what we have, where we are.

Thank you for your attention.

Proudly Serving,
Major Dave Accetta

If anyone would like the text of the email Major Accetta mentions sending to the reporter, please let me know -- I'll be happy to forward it to you.

So. What do you think? Keep in mind that Major Accetta is a Public Relations Officer with the Army. It's his job to spin this kind of stuff. Do you think the email is genuine? I haven't replied to him yet, and I'm not sure the sender is interested in a reply. After all, what am I going to say? I'm sorry about your son and I'm sorry you've been put in this position. Good luck to you. Please don't die. It kind of sounds hollow.

Even if Major Accetta didn't send the email, the writer is correct about one thing: I can never know what's really going on in Iraq because I'm not there. The only thing I can do is try to get information through the media. Of course, it's hard to get real information because no one can ever be sure that what the military says is true or what the media says is true.

---

I was talking to Statia last night on the way home from work. She mentioned she was reading the new Harry Potter book. I have never read any of them, but I'm planning to one of these days. I asked her who dies in the book, but she hadn't gotten that far yet.

I hate to admit this because it makes me seem like a spoil sport, but I would have read the last ten pages of the book as soon as I got it. I don't think I could stand the suspense of not knowing! I just don't have the kind of patience.

On vacations I usually buy murder mysteries and suspense novels to read -- light but interesting reading for the beach. And every single time I come across a book that is really suspenseful, I'll flip to the back and read the last couple of pages. I have never read a single Stephen King or James Patterson book straight through without reading the ending first. I always read the Wildfeed for every Buffy episode two days before the show aired.

It's not like I don't like surprises. I do. I really do! But there's something about being able to know before I'm supposed to that appeals to me.

Who remembers that part in When Harry Met Sally when Harry is talking about this very same thing?

SALLY: Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
HARRY: That's what drew her to me.
SALLY: Your dark side?
HARRY: Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts.
SALLY: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
HARRY: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
That, my friend, is a dark side.

I don't read books to feed my dark side. I just don't have any patience. Yet more reasons why I should never have children or own a motor vehicle!

---

I've made it pretty evident that I don't have a lot of sympathy for criminals. Criminals should not really have rights, beyond the right to a speedy and fair trial, and decent treatment while in prison. There are exceptions to every rule, but I'm strongly pro-death penalty for certain types of crimes [particularly brutal cases of rape and/or murder].

It should come as no surprise that I find Chante Mallard to be a reprehensible human being beyond redemption. To mow someone down in the street while drunk and stoned and then leave that person to die, embedded in the windshield of her car, belies an inner callousness that I can barely believe exists.

Seeing her wailing on the witness stand in her own defense didn't make her sympathetic to me. She's emotional because she got caught and she doesn't want to go to prison. Mallard kept saying she didn't know what to do, blah blah blah. She's a former nurses aid, which sort of makes it even worse...to have the training to be able to help someone hurt like that and just leave him there in pain.

It's repulsive to me that Mallard's defense attorney argued over whether to charge her with murder or only "failing to secure medical help." What's the fucking difference?

He had "serious injuries" but could have stayed alive for many hours, the doctor said. When he was hit, Biggs' left leg was almost amputated, and his right arm, right upper thigh and right lower leg were broken.

Biggs' body was found the October 27, 2001, dumped in a park.

Do you think someone who could drive a car while drunk and stoned, run into someone on the street, and then allow him to remain wedged into her windshield in the above condition until he died could be rehabilitated? Do you want someone like that to be your next door neighbor, to be your co-worker? You can say it was the drugs, but that man was mangled in her garage for days. A couple of drinks, half a tab of Ecstacy, and a little bit of weed wear off after a couple of hours. What then? If your conscious allows you to wait it out until a man dies as a result of your actions and then dump his body elsewhere, there is a big problem with your ability to reason and make good decisions.

It's cases like these where I'd like to see some good old fashioned "eye for an eye" type of justice.

---

So...Strom Thurmond has died. I hate to speak ill of the dead, so I won't say anything more -- I can't really think of anything good to say about him.

But you can find out all you need to know about him here:

• StromWatch
• The Detestable, Decrepit Strom Thurmond
• The Heart and Soul of Republican Thinking

If I believed in god and heaven and hell, I'd say that satan has a new houseguest tonight.

---

Awwww....poor Boss Hog and his roving band of hillbillies will have to go back to the drawing board: the Supreme Court has denied Texas the right to legislate where men put their willies [ie, banning gay sex is unconstitutional]. And it's not just sodomy we're talking about here. "State sodomy laws have been on the books for a century or more, and generally define the act sodomy as "abnormal" sex, including oral and anal sex. Such laws were on the books of every state as recently as 1960," according the article at CNN.

So unless you're having straight vanilla missionary position sex with no foreplay, well, you're on the wrong side of the law in Texas [well, you were] and about a dozen other states. I'm almost a little disappointed that Pennsylvania [which, hello, founded by Quakers and is uber-religious. You'd think that there would be some laws here] isn't one of them -- I like the idea of performing cunnilingus or fellatio on the lam [not on the lamb, you pervs].

I'm particularly frightened by the Texas government. Listen to this horseshit:

Texas prosecutors argued the government has the right to enforce public morality. Supporters of the Texas law say states have long regulated behavior deemed "immoral," including gambling and prostitution.

"The government has a legitimate interest in helping preserve not only public health, but public morals as well," said Ken Connor, president of the Family Research Council, which filed a legal brief backing Texas. "The mere fact that this behavior occurs in private doesn't mean the public doesn't have a stake in these behaviors."

The Family Research Council can bite my ass. The day someone enforces my morality is the day that I just give up and move to Canada. I'm a big girl, an adult, and I can think for myself. I've said it often enough: if I want to cavort naked around my house with a carrot sticking out my ass and nipple pasties made out of jumper cables, well, then I should be able to do it. The blinds are closed and no one else should care what I do with my spare time.

[Note: no carrots were harmed in the making of this entry.]

---

I was cautiously optimistic last month when the Philadelphia Boy Scouts announced they would not follow the policy of discrimination adhered to by the national council. Over the last few weeks, they've gone back on their word. They now refuse to let openly gay people be troop leaders. It's now at a "don't ask, don't tell" level.

It's really disappointing. I'm ashamed of the Board of Directors. It makes me sick. But what makes me happy is that the Pew Foundation pulled $100K in funding to them yesterday and other agencies are reviewing their funding standards for the Boy Scouts.

See, here's the deal -- if you're a privately-funded organization, you can make all the membership criteria you want. If you want to exclude blonde women with green eyes, you go right ahead. I won't even hate you for it. But if you are publicly funded you had better let me, and anyone else who wants, in. I don't want my tax or charitable dollars funding an agency that says it's OK to discriminate against someone because they're different from the Bible-thumping windbags in the national council.

Today I read an editorial by some 18 year old uber-conservative assmunch who says:

The Boy Scouts are not the intolerant, homophobic, bigoted group their detractors would label them as. The Boy Scouts have always taught tolerance, even when it has been unpopular. Since 1911, the BSA has reached out to the disabled, racial and ethnic minorities, American Indians and inner-city children.

Yeah, they're real inclusive unless those "disabled, racial and ethnic minorities, American Indians and inner-city children" happen to be gay. Then it's all "You lead an 'unhealthy and immoral lifestyle'! You're not welcome here!"

The Scout Leader who publicly announced he was gay [Gregory Lattera] in order to test the new declaration received a letter earlier this month announcing he had been expelled. Show me any instance of Lattera's sexual orientation being any kind of an issue in the three years he's been involved with the Scouts. Has he come on to a Boy Scout? Has he clandestinely formed an evil alliance with anyone to turn innocent boys into raving gay sex maniacs? Hey, he's an atheist too. Has any Boy Scout renounced religion because of him?

The Boy Scouts of America suck.

---

Nothing brings out the idiotic crazies like insulting their favorite celebrity.

Yesterday it was Eminem and a few weeks ago it was Jewel. With each post I received death threats and other ridiculously stupid mail, most of which you can tell are written by preteen girls [note: I also received some very well-written and interesting emails about each entry].

Why, you ask? Because they're wRiTtEn LikE ThIs. And not that preteen girls corner the market on atrocious spelling and grammatical skills, but the emails were filled with stuff like "u better wach wat u say abot [insert stupid celebrity name here]. he/she/it be a reel artist, who r u to judge there work?"

Um, I'm a consumer, that's who. And someone with an opinion [and a fairly good grasp on English language skills]. I'm frequently amazed at the means by which some people feel compelled to try to suck me into their delusional fan-crazed worlds. Telling me I suck or that I'm a bitch isn't going to change my mind.

Not to mention, who cares if I don't like your favorite star/politician/dog trainer? The world would be a boring place if everyone liked the same things I like. There are plenty of people who think Henry Rollins is an old gasbag, but you don't see me getting all riled up about it. To each his own, and all that.

This attitude that we should all like the same things, and do the same things is what is ripping the world apart. I genuinely like being different from you or my neighbor or my mailman. I don't have to believe in the same god as you or back the same politicians as you to be a good and morale person. What is good for one country is not always good for the other. If everyone could just accept differences instead of fighting so hard to homogenize us all, we'd all be way better off. Yes, I'm talking to you [evangelizing religious people, edict-issuing politicians, and insane stalkery celebrity fans].

How did I start with Eminem and Jewel and end up with world peace? I need a nap.

---

The story about Eminem emulating Michael Jackson and the baby dangling incident has been all over the news and all over blogs today, but Matt pointed out something I didn't know:

George Bush thinks poor old Marshall is
"the most dangerous threat to American children since polio."

Really? So what happened to terrorism being the biggest threat? Didn't he say that recently? Well, I guess he's been saying that for almost two years. I can think of lots of things that are a bigger threat to kids than Eminem -- drugs and alcohol and tobacco, illiteracy, poverty, poor educational system, limited learning opportunities, war, drunk drivers, lack of gun safety locks, jock itch, athletes foot, running with scissors, etc.

Eminem is a total douchebag, but a danger to children? Hardly. Only if you're weak-minded and uncreative, which is what George's policies are moving us toward. Let's be responsible for our own actions, eh? I know that's hardly what George wants to hear right now, but I'd like to get some credit for being able to think for myself. And I'm sure that Eminem fans [of any age] would also be thrilled to know that George thinks of them as mindless lackeys.

---

Not that I'm complaining about interest rates being lowered, but I've got to admit that knowing the rates are at the lowest they've been in 45 years scares me a bit.

The Fed's statement, combined with a less-aggressive rate cut, was likely designed to keep markets from panicking about the state of the economy, while also leaving the door open for future rate cuts.

Well, I'm not particularly comforted. A couple of rate cuts, fine. But this leaves me a little queasy.

---

According to Maj. David Accetta, public affairs officer with the 3rd Corps Support Command, "Our goal is for the Iraqis to use their own existing infrastructure and become self-sufficient, not dependent on U.S. forces for medical care."

This said after army doctors refused medical care to three Iraqi children burnt when a bag of explosive powder was set on fire. The powder was leftover from the war. But Maj. Accetta says, "the children's condition did not fall into a category that requires Army doctors to care for them. Only patients with conditions threatening life, limb or eyesight and not resulting from a chronic illness are considered for treatment." Oh, and the injuries have to be inflicted by U.S. troops. I guess injuries as a result of the war in general aren't good enough.

Now, on the surface, fine. Iraqi citizens should not be dependant on the military for, well, anything. Never mind that their country is in a shambles right now because of the U.S. military [and yes, I agree that Hussein had to go. So shut it!]. However, last I heard the military neglected to guard hospitals against looting, so the hospitals got cleaned out. These three kids were turned away from the local hospital, which is why the father took them to the military for help.

I was under the impression that the military was still in Iraq to help and to act as a temporary government. Am I wrong? Is their role only to search for this big, legendary stockpile of WMD we've all been hearing about for months?

The incident comes at a time when U.S. troops are trying to win the confidence of Iraqis, an undertaking that has been overwhelmed by the need to protect themselves against attacks. Boosting security has led to suspicion in encounters between Iraqis and Americans. There are increased pat-downs, raids on homes and arrests in which U.S. troops force people to the ground at gunpoint — measures the Iraqis believe are meant to humiliate them.

[Link found via The Gamer's Nook.]

---

Dating is a funny thing. People bitch about how there are no good eligible guys or women left, but I tend to disagree. I just think most people have this fucked up viewpoint about love and soulmates and who it's acceptable to love. It comes from watching too many movies and television shows where there is True Love with the perfect and perfectly hot person.

There are too many rules. My friend Jacki is only allowed to marry another Jewish person and she won't date anyone who isn't a brunette male with a too pretty face. She sits around a lot on Saturday nights. Christy will date anyone with a penis, but she doesn't have passion for anyone who doesn't treat her like crap and isn't involved in the arts. Phil will only date men prettier than him who make a lot of money.

They all want to find someone to love, but it's hard to meet someone who fits into your criteria when you have 1,000 different requirements for the "perfect man" or the "perfect woman." I'm no different -- I went through unrealistic expectations. But then I got over myself and met Craig. Craig is no where near what I thought my perfect person would be, but I love him more than I could possibly express.

I read a news story today about a singles auction in North Dakota. There are plenty of single guys out in the boondocks, but not enough chicks. "So the best hope we have is Canadian women coming down," according to Keith Hegney, one of the auction bidders.

The idea of singles auction is kind of hilarious to me. It's a sweet idea, but it seems like there would be way too much pressure to meet the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. I mean, you pay $100 to get a date. There's expectation there. And then if you're up on the auction block and you don't get much bidding action, then you'd feel badly. That's just too much anxiety for me.

Of course, I can understand why Mr. Hegney is still single, even if there were a wide variety of women to choose from:

Hegney said he doesn't understand why life in a rural area would be a turnoff for a woman.

"I don't expect her to start running cattle," he said. "All that matters is that she's a good wife and mother."

So the lucky woman Mr. Hegney snags will only be required to be a champion haus frau and daiper changer. Doesn't a life of servitude in the wilds of North Dakota sound delightful? What's next, an assertion that women should be seen and not heart?

---

What kind of smacked ass drops his baby out a 7th story window?? Perhaps he is a Michael Jackson fan.

Seriously. I've never understood the whole idea of getting someone to stay with you by bribery, threats, or making them feel sorry for you. The guy fucking dangles his kid out the window as a way to make his girlfriend not break up with him? In what universe does that make sense? Yeah, I'm sure she'll agree to love me forever if I endanger the life of our child!

The fact that the baby survived unhurt is amazing. I hate to admit this, but the first thing I wondered is if the baby bounced. Yeah, I'm a little weird. But not nearly weird enough to think that a relationship is solid if I've got to somehow convince someone to stay with me.

I wonder if the guy is even sorry.

---

It's no secret that I find religious fundamentalists just completely insane and irritating. I get a little rude to people when they tell me they'll pray for me for whatever reason they can think of. Religion should be a personal thing -- a personal and private thing. Fundies who insist on trying to convert everyone in the world to their own religion are idiots.

Take, just as an example, the nutjob in York, PA who insists on decorating her lawn with a neon lamp-illuminated sign of a peach saying "Peachy News. Jesus is Alive." Her neighbors thought the sign was tacky, and got a court order to make her remove it. The woman is clearly thinking that advertising her piousness and religious fervor is somehow earning her points with her god.

Of course, she was recently evicted from her home. Somehow it doesn't seem like the sign made too good an impression with the powers that be.

I agree that banning the sign violates the wacky religious freak's freedom of speech, unless she was living in one of those developments with a housing association that regulates what color your house can be, etc. [which always reminds me of The X-Files]. You have the right to put up whatever the hell you want in your own yard. This isn't a separation of church and state issue.

Of course, this is always a slippery slope. If one has a right to any personal expression one likes in their yard, anything is acceptable.

What would happen, I wonder, if I was idiotic religious asshat's neighbor and I put up a huge sign depicting a big happy apple saying "Eve got a bad rap. God doesn't exist, and religious zealots are hypocrites."? Would that go over OK? Or what if one of the neighbors is a member of the KKK....would this woman [who is black] be so fond of free speech if her racist neighbor put up a burning cross every night and hung the effigy of a the neighbor from his front tree? I have a thousand examples, one more offensive than the other.

Sometimes you really have to be careful of what you wish for.

---

Well, this is heartening news:

Federal court refuses to reopen Roe v. Wade

"It never should have been filed," Weddington said Friday. "Those who filed it got publicity, but the publicity actually has been very helpful for those of us who believe the government should not be involved."

Suddenly the day seems a little better.

---

"Already, America's perspective has been affected. In a shocking new poll, fully 41 percent of Americans now believe the terrorists responsible for the 9/11 tragedy were, in fact, gay married Canadians.

Similarly, 23 percent are now convinced Saddam Hussein was either "somewhat" or "almost totally" Canadian. Or gay. Or a member of Loverboy.

AG John Ashcroft, no stranger to uptight asexual homophobic hyper-Christian puling and all too familiar with looking exactly like he just swallowed a pleasure-ribbed condom filled with boiling road tar, was seen running around the Hall of Justice smacking a heavy King James Bible against his skull and dousing himself with buckets of holy anointing oil, just before running smack into the bronze left nipple of the swathed statue of Lady Justice and knocking himself cold."

I so wish I had written this. It's some of the most hilarious commentary I've seen yet on Canada legalizing marriage for everyone in love, instead of just heterosexuals.

[Thanks to Ideal Rhombus for posting the link the column]

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Somehow Philadelphia made it onto Forbes list of Best Cities for Singles again. We're ranked 14th out of 40, a slip of one ranking spot from last year.

The City of Brotherly Love got a lot of love from our readers, who voted Philly the most popular spot this year. And there's a lot to like. The city's nightlife and culture both rank in the top ten, helped along by its numerous colleges, including Penn, Haverford and Villanova. As a testament to the city's allure, students stick around after they get their degrees (unlike in, say, Pittsburgh). Nonetheless, Philly dropped a few spots this year. Why? The normal lead balloons for large, Eastern metros: slow job growth combined with a high cost of living. And the employment picture wasn't helped by the brutal years at both cable giant Comcast and insurance provider Cigna. Still, for those with well-paying jobs, Philadelphia is an outstanding place to fly solo. Highbrows have the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra, while those with less refined tastes can revel in outstanding delis and the funky music scene.

Um, I wonder if any of those people who voted for Philly have ever been here. While I agree that the city has many universities, which does help feed the ever changing flow of 20-somethings, it has been an on-going problem here for years that very few of these students stick around the city after graduation. And nightlife? What nightlife? The clubs all suck here -- there's not a decent club left. The last good club [The Bank on Spring Garden] started attracting the South Jersey big hair/gold chain wearing crowd in the mid-90s and is now closed. There are a couple of good bars left, but most of the "in" places are pretentious bars frequented by anorexic South Philly 40-something chicks wearing entirely too little and hairy quasi-mafia wannabe guys in pinky rings. I admit the music scene has been improving a little over the last couple of years, but without Dobbs on South Street it all seems a little flat.

There's no way in hell Seattle should be #15 and Portland at #26 -- much cooler than Philadelphia. And how did Salt Lake City get on the list? The entire place closes down at 1am and you have to be a private member to get into a bar. And the Mormons! Yeesh!

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Getting a star on the Walk of Fame just isn't what it used to be.

One of things I've always wanted to do when I finally get around to visiting Los Angeles is go see the Walk of Fame. I know it's covered in hookers, but it's just one of those things I feel the need to see. Knowing that the fucking Olsen twins and Britney Spears will have stars soon just sort of cheapens the idea of it for me.

While I understand that these kids are uber rich, I find them lacking in the talent department. Britney and her heaving wax bosom have never been very interesting to me, and the Olsen twins are just creepy. Is someone trying to tell me that these three are on par with Julie Andrews or Laurence Olivier? Yeah, I'm not buying that.

So let's just say I was curious about who you have to blow these days the nomination criteria for the Walk of Fame.

1. Professional Achievement in the Field of Entertainment
2. Longevity of Five Years or More
3. Contribution to the Community

Professional achievement and longevity, well, OK. But contribution to the community? Not so fast. Britney's contribution is that thousands of six year old girls are running around in skanky outfits, gyrating their hips singing that they're not kids anymore, not yet women. Great. Thanks! And the Olsen twins? I don't know that they've contributed anything other than an increase in my annoyance level.

[link found via Confetti Falling]

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Despite the fact that my people are farmers, I must admit that I'm not up-to-date on my animal flatulence news. I know: shocking.

Flatulence from cows, sheep and other ruminants is a serious environmental problem, accounting for about 15% of worldwide emissions of methane - one of the most potent of greenhouse gases.

Huh. Well, OK.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that New Zealand has proposed a flatulence tax. Well, just for farmers. In New Zealand, farm animal farts are responsible for 90% of the greenhouse gases. Those are so gassy-ass cows and sheep. What the hell are they being fed?

But the mind boggles at levying a tax against farmers because their animals poot a little too much. How does one prevent their livestock from letting one loose? And can a farmer get tax relief if he or she proves their cows aren't producing as much flatulence as other farmer's cows?

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While I certainly wouldn't want to be considered a "Revisionist Historian" by George and his allies [what the fuck does that even mean? So is someone a "revisionist historian" if they once opposed and still oppose the Vietnam war? What about someone who opposes Clinton and thinks he should have been kicked out of office? Is that person a "revisionist historian"?], it seems odd to me that the invasion of Iraq was supposed to lead to unsurpassed freedom for the Iraqi people, but there's very little freedom to be had.

Belly dancer Siri has been performing since 1996. The Islamic dress and gun are new and necessary accessories since the fall of Saddam Hussein on April 9.

"Before the war I was practicing my work freely. It was quite normal for me to stay out late after midnight but now I have to be at home before 6 in the evening," said 27-year-old Siri, who lives in a small apartment in a poor Baghdad suburb.

The war to topple to Saddam was followed by a wave of insecurity and lawlessness which Iraqis complain U.S. troops have done little to tame.

For women, the streets of Baghdad are a more dangerous place, and an upsurge in religious fervor means they must stick to Islamic dress if they want to be left alone.

So this is freedom?

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Who remembers the judge who accused a Middle Eastern woman of supporting terrorists as she was fighting a traffic ticket? Surprisingly, the old fucking crank has stepped down.

Justice William Crosbie said he was "probably kidding" when he made his idiotic remarks. Well, you know, he's an old white rich guy and a Republican -- shouldn't he be forgiven?

The man is 79 years old. I admit to being a little bit age-ist when it comes to positions where decision-making are involved. It's not because I think older people are always automatically possessed of deficient mental faculties. It's because I think by the time you hit 79 it's hard to be in touch with current sentiment. At 79, this man has lived in a time when it was OK to discriminate against people because of their gender and color. I'm not saying that just because you lived through that, you still think it's OK. But at a certain age you just become out of step with the culture.

Morality does change with the times. It's still not OK to murder anyone, and I seriously doubt that will ever change. Maybe at one time it was OK to josh with the non-white folks, but it's not anymore.

Politicians, judges, and the position of Pope should have a mandatory retirement age. I don't know what that age should be. You already know I think most politicians are completely cut off from understanding the typical American because they're too rich. A lot of people don't vote because they don't feel like they're part of the process. The government doesn't represent them, candidates like them aren't presented as an option, and so they don't participate. My mother finally registered to vote last year [she's 51] because I convinced her of the concept of choosing the lesser of the evils so the greater of the evils doesn't sneak in [hello, last election].

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The name is Luster. Andrew Luster.

This is both fucking hilarious and disgusting a number of levels. The grandson of Max Factor [as in Max Factor, the cosmetics company guy] and heir to the Max Factor fortune is named Andrew Luster. Luster! It's a total drag queen stage name! That's the funny part. The disgusting part is that he's been convicted of drugging several women and then filming himself while raping them while the women were unconscious and convicted to 124 years in prison in absentia because he fled the country. But now he has apparently been caught in Mexico by a bounty hunter.

Oh wait, now it's funny again! [Nelson Muntz mode] Ha ha [/Nelson Muntz mode].

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Someone please explain to me why it's acceptable to kill someone for throwing rocks at you. If I shoot my neighbor for pelting me with snowballs, I'm fairly fucking certain I'd go to prison for life.

So why is it OK for the U.S. military to open fire on protestors throwing stones?

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Why is it current news that "Jane Roe" wants Roe v. Wade overturned? I mean, she's been singing the same tune for years, at least since 1996. Hasn't she filed motions like this before? It's easy to see how it happened -- she's now too old for pregnancy to be an issue anymore, so she no longer has to worry that she won't be able to get an abortion when she gets knocked up because she isn't practicing safe sex, and she's "found god." And she's the jewel in a ministry whose sole reason for being is to save America by "confronting" a "sodomite fiesta" and announcing a "giant victory for Christ and his unborn babies."

These people are obviously mad as hatters, and now Jane Roe [aka: Norma McCorvey] is one of them. She says that the pastor of her new church won her over by by confessing he had sinned by attending a Beach Boys concert in 1976. This, coming from a former drug addict who really knows her way around compromised morality.

It's obvious to me that McCorvey is one of these uneducated people who has never wanted to take responsibility for her actions. She's given birth to three children and given every single one of them up for adoption. She only has a ninth grade education. Perhaps no one taught her about birth control. Perhaps she always thought abortion was birth control. Whatever the case, if you don't want kids, don't have them. Abortion, to me, is a safeguard. I take every precaution not to get pregnant and so far it's worked. But if, for some reason, my pills fail I like to know that I don't have to visit some back alley butcher to terminate the pregnancy. McCorvey likes to portray herself as a victim in all of this -- she was brainwashed and railroaded by lawyers, blah blah blah. I guess you exchange one for the other.

And, according to McCorvey, she's been snubbed by the pro-choice movement because she's gruff and embarrassing. She seems really bitter about it. Since her little cult church worships the ground she walks on, maybe that's why she's so anxious to publicly denounce Roe v. Wade, and casually take away the right to choose what's right for me.

Her actions just come off as someone who is desparate for attention.

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Headline: Indian girl, 9, marries stray dog

Please, please, please tell me that the marriage is legal without consummation of the nuptials. Please?

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I've been really lucky throughout my years as an avid bar drinker, club goer, and concert attendee. No one has ever slipped drugs into my drink or taken advantage of me while trashed. When I look back at all the opportunities that were there, I consider myself very lucky.

I also consider myself lucky that I'm no longer heavy into the bar/club rotation. With drugs like scopolamine becoming more common, it's a temptation not to ever eat or drink anything outside of my home ever again.

Colorless, odorless and tasteless, scopolamine is slipped into drinks and sprinkled onto food. Victims become so docile that they have been known to help thieves rob their homes and empty their bank accounts. Women have been drugged repeatedly over days and gang-raped or rented out as prostitutes.

This is basically one of my worst nightmares. You wake up and remember nothing [which, on one hand, might be good that you don't remember], but you've been missing for days. I hate the idea of being able to be manipulated like that.

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Headline: Poll Suggests World Hostile To U.S.

Really? You don't say? I just can't imagine why anyone would consider the U.S. a greater threat to world peace than al Qaeda, Syria, and Iran. It's not like we're invading countries based on faulty intelligence or anything. Two thirds of those polled don't have a good opinion of George? I'm shocked! Shocked, I say!

I wish I got BBC Two on my cable -- I'd be interested in seeing their special on this poll.

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Hunting and gun ownership are two very big things in the town where I grew up. I think that's true in any small town -- there's nothing very interesting to do, so you pick up the hobby of your dad: hunting. I've never been even the slightest bit interested in hunting, but I have taken a hunter's saftey course. There was nothing else to do.

I have some cousins who are 14 years old who are very into guns and hunting. They can't drive yet, but it's perfectly legal for them to handle loaded weapons. Yes, yes, I know -- guns don't kill people, people kill people. True as that might be, when a 14 year old kid kills himself after a plot to shoot up the school fails, you can argue who or what is at fault all you like. The simple fact of the matter is that the kid's father owns a small arsenal of weapons and wasn't careful enough to make sure the kid didn't have access.

Is it fair to punish the father when he's already lost his son due to his own negligence? I don't know. It's a sad situation. But the fact that the kid was allowed to handle weapons at all troubles me -- seven years ago the kid was under psychiatric care for "psychotic and uncontrollable" behavior. Kids who have psychiatric problems with rage should never be allowed to have access to weaponry. That just seems like common sense.

Making it illegal to handle or own guns until you're a certain age won't make a huge difference. It'll only make them more attractive to kids, and most of the time the kids are using their parents' firearms anyway. But there is something that can be done that the government is resisting because the gun manufactureres who give the government huge campaign contributions don't want it to happen: mandatory safety locks.

There's this argument that if someone breaks into your house, you need to have immediate access to your weapon. Having to unlock a safety lock and then load your weapon takes too much time. By the time everything is ready to go, it'll be too late. Quite honestly, I'd like to the see the statistics about break ins where the owner has a gun and uses it. I would guesstimate that it's a very small percentage.

If safety locks will keep kids from being able to use firearms, then I am all for it.

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I don't have a lot of sympathy for criminals. In my mind, a criminal isn't a woman who kills her husband because he's been beating her and the kids for years...or someone who liberates a loaf of bread from the store because he's out of work and his family has to eat...or someone who is in prison for doing drugs. I'm talking about people who intentionally try to rob, rape, and/or kill for no other reason than they want to. There's nothing redeemable about them.

I find it extremely distasteful when criminals are allowed to sue their victims. If Joe Blow the Robber comes into my house uninvited and unannounced and attempts to steal my stuff or do me bodily harm, I think I should have the right to do whatever I want to him. If I want to eviscerate him right there on the livingroom carpet, it should be well within my legal rights.

To my knowledge, a homeowner is allowed to injure a criminal who invades his or her home only in self defense. That means you can't shoot someone who has broken into your house, raped your wife, and is currently in the act of fleeing the scene. It might be a different law in different states and countries.

I'll tell you what...I don't keep a gun in the house, but I have a nice cook's knife set and they always stay razor sharp. If I came home to discover someone had broken into my house and killed my husband, and the person was in the process of leaving the scene, I'd probably go to jail. I don't think I'd be able to control myself.

I don't know what the burglars did or took when two of them broke into a home in England, but the homeowner shot and killed one of them and wounded the other.

Fearon [sic: the wounded burglar, who - by the way - has 30 prior burglary convictions], 33, hopes to sue Martin for a reported £15,000 following his wounding during a break-in at the farmer's home in Emneth Hungate, Norfolk, in August 1999.

An earlier hearing was told Fearon claimed his injuries, which included a leg wound, had affected his ability to enjoy sex and martial arts and that he had suffered post traumatic stress.

That makes me absolutely sick. Here's a career burglar who is pissed because can't enjoy sex anymore?

I like the expression "If you can't do the time, don't commit the crime." Because really, if you are unable to accept that you might be injured while doing something illegal, then don't fucking do it. Being able to sue a victim is teaching people they aren't responsible for their actions and that they will face no consequences for their actions.

Argh.

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In some small and strange way, groups like Westboro Baptist Church do some good in the world. I don't believe in their mission and I think every single one of them are wankers of the highest order, but idiots like them unify normal people by giving us all something to ridicule.

Some of you might remember reading that they planned to protest a high school graduation ceremony because a gay student was being given a scholarship in the name of Matthew Shepard. You might also remember that gay activists planned to use the protest as a fundraising opportunity [money would be pledged per minute of the protest].

Well, I'm happy to report that the Biotic Baking Brigade also showed up. I might not agree with all their politics, but the pie-ing of Fred Phelps' little crew of misled Bible-thumpers is something I can really get behind. Personally I think Phelps and all of his missionary position minions flock should be tied to the back of a pick up truck and dragged over a cactus field, but the pies will do for now.

What I find especially hilarious is the outcome of the protest:

Lincoln High students helping with the Saturday's commencement ceremony said the controversy surrounding senior class president Carter has made the school stronger.

"I think it's made more people have Lincoln pride, and it's unified our school," said Jessica Reese, a junior at Lincoln.

Shannon Wenck, also a junior at Lincoln, agreed. She said the students have come together to back Carter.

"Even people who are homophobic support Julius," she said.

Students and teachers all wore rainbow ribbons to Saturday's ceremony in show of their support for Carter. Phelps' group went to Drake University to stage another protest.

Probably not the intended affect, eh? Like I said, fucktard like Phelps give us all something in common -- we make fun of the crazies.

I have to wonder what happened to Phelps and his sheep to fill them with so much hate. To my knowledge, religion isn't supposed to be about hate and judging others.

[Newslink found via Ideal Rhombus.]

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First David Brinkley and now Gregory Peck. It's not been a good 24 hours for the older celebrity set [not that David Brinkley was really a celebrity].

I'm really sad about Gregory Peck. To Kill a Mockingbird is one of my favorite old movies of all time. When I was in high school we used to watch that movie every year in English class. Every year. Oh, and Roman Holiday, too.

Brooke and I were just talking about him. When she thinks of him, she thinks of The Omen.

He has his father's eyes....

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If you, say, went to the taping of a talk show and were injured by flying objects on the aforementioned talk show, wouldn't you sue immediately if you're inclined to do that kind of thing? I'm assuming you wouldn't wait, oh, let's say, two years...because you kind of know if you're going to be jacked up for extended period of time from your injuries within a week or two, right?

Apparently a 71 year old woman went to a taping of the Rosie O'Donnell show in 1991, got pelted with a hard rubber ball in the mouth and is now suing Warner Bros. Television, AOL Time Warner, and Turner Broadcasting System [but not Rosie O'Donnell]. And here's the really skeevy part that definitely falls under the heading of "too much information":

"Furthermore, the pain and soreness around plaintiff's mouth adversely affected plaintiff's relationship with her boyfriend," court papers say.

Uh, I realize that old people have sex and are sexual, but I don't want to know about it. I'm ready to go give myself a lobotomy to get the image out of my mind.

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Look, I know the economy is in the toilet. State budgets are being cut. And I know that things like day care, health insurance, welfare programs, etc. are more important than programs for the arts in the grand scheme of things. But some state are cutting their arts funding altogether, and others are drasticly cutting funding.

A lot of people don't understand the need for federally-funded arts programs. I can't imagine life without them. Without art and culture, we are lost. Kids grow up without learning how to think creatively. Math and reading are very important. You can't survive without those basic skills. If you've never been to an art museum or you don't know the difference between the Baroque period and modern art, well, it's not like you'll be penniless and destitute. Except in your soul.

I shudder to think what living in Philadelphia would be like without state-supported arts programs. There would be no public sculpture. All those murals I love in the city wouldn't exist. A good portion of performing arts groups would disappear -- maybe I wouldn't be able to see the orchestra or the ballet. All the things I love about the city would be gone.

Well, so what? Wouldn't I rather have a government that's able to function? Well, sure. And maybe that's why I'm so offended over certain kinds of pork barrel spending, and some of the ridiculous things George spends money on -- like promoting marriage. $2.2 million for that, and the government can't cough up money for arts programs, which will be of more value?

I get really nervous when I think of kids not having the opportunity to be exposed to the arts. Without the arts, there is no imagination. Without imagination, we might as well pack it up.

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I tend to be inclusionary in my theory of How Things Should Be. I should be able to love whomever I want to love and marry whomever I want to marry, as long as it's consensual and not illegal. And I'm not talking about the Moral Majority's idea of illegal -- by illegal, I mean underage or someone who is related to me. I should be able to do anything I please, as long as it's not hurting anyone else. If I'm sick and I want to end my suffering, I should be able to do it. If I want to have a lost weekend sequestered in my house smoking crack, it should be OK.

Legislating all this crap has always puzzled me. What the fuck do I care if same sex couples want to marry. Who fucking died and left the fundamentalists in charge of things? Oh, god personally told you homosexuals are evil and are single-handedly destroying "family values"? Go back into your little backwoods cave and shack up with your cousin.

I've said it often enough: finding someone to love, someone who will love you back, is hard enough without putting rules on it. Never, ever will I understand why gay marriage is illegal in the U.S. I'm convinced it's because those idiotic fuckers over at American Family Values and places like them are unhappy and don't want anyone else to be happy. I'm heterosexual and I'm married -- if same sex marriages were somehow going to degrade my rights as a married person, I'd speak up. Love is love is love. Who you love doesn't make a bit of difference -- it's all in how you treat people. Karma comes around. If I believed in heaven or hell, I'd say that the asshats who oppose gay marriage and being gay will have quite a sunburn post-death.

Vince posted a great entry about the rights of gays to marry, and the concept of being a second rate citizen. Go read it.

Part of my theory of How Things Should Be involve rounding up idiots who abuse their religious beliefs and forcing them to, I don't know, do something horrible for the rest of their pathetic lives.

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I'm fascinated by archeology. When the oldest known fossils of modern man are found and dated at 160,000 years old, I pay attention. It's not that I ever wanted to be an archeologist, I just think it's neat.

Plus, it has the added benefit of really pissing off Deeply Religious twats who believe what the Bible tells them in a very literal way.

You know there's just some fucking hick named Cleetus in Georgia lining up his 18 kids, saying, "This here is a lie! The Bible tells us god created the world exactly 2,003 years ago. This carbon dating stuff is the devil's work, I tell ya! None 'o youts are allowed to go to school. That fancy learnin' will just confuse ya! Tallulah Mae, fetch me my slippers, and the rest 'o youts go play near the well!"

Well, that's assuming that Cleetus reads the newspaper. I would fully expect people like that to get all their news from the worship tent newsletter.

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I would like to know why the shit and piss of Indian cows is organically superior to American cows. Whatever the reason, I can't help but think feeding American cows so that their, uh, waste products increase to champion levels might be less expensive than importing cow patties and urine from India.

And what's kind of disgusting is that all that crap and pee is going to be converted to biopesticide. It's going to be sprayed on the tomatoes that we eat. Well, the tomatoes that you eat -- I grow my own.

Suddenly I'm feeling pretty good about my garden. Ew.

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Dear Mom, It was the funniest thing. I was walking down the main street in Pakistan's Punjab Province the other day when the guy next to me just randomly fell down dead. Blood was everywhere, but I hadn't heard any gunshots or seen anyone stab him. It was a mystery. The man's throat had been slit, but there was nothing nearby except a couple kids with kites.

That's when the police came and hauled the kids away. I heard one of the officers say that the kids would be tried for murder. I don't understand.

Love and kisses,
Nicole

Yeah, so apparently the latest thing in Pakistan is to have kite fights where "[k]ite flyers use metallic strings or coat them with glass shards" -- the "objective is to cut their opponent's string." The strings are so sharp they also have killed several people but cutting their throats.

What the fuck? Can't they find a safer hobby? Maybe collecting stamps?

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So, is anyone really surprised by the report that al Qaeda will probably drop a chemical or biological weapon on U.S. soil within two years?

To this, I say "Well, duh."

Those crazy kids in al Qaeda were pissed at us before September 11th. After we bombed the hell out of Afghanistan and killed some of them, and then invaded Iraq, what did anyone expect to happen? Did anyone really think they'd see our military dropping huge bombs, killing thousands of innocent Iraqis [some of whom were Muslim], and then decide that the infidels were just too powerful and too trigger happy to beat, so they might as well lay down their jihad plans and play nice with the nutty Americans?

I'm sure I can't be the only person in America who sees the likelihood of such an attack, especially in light of George's "preemptive strike" policy. Is this some sort of attempt to divert attention while George does something unconstitutional, as usual?

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I've had my fair share of childhood diseases. I had whooping cough. I had chicken pox - twice. Even so, the very idea of contracting monkeypox absolutely gives me the heebie jeebies.

Who keeps prairie dogs as pets, anyway? I'm a firm believer that any animal that is traditionally kept in a zoo should not be a pet.

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If I were a religious woman, I'm pretty sure that I'd be thinking that the apocalypse is coming up pretty quick. And if I were a Jehovah's Witness, I'd have my heavenly house all picked out. Aside from less obvious signs of the apocalypse, there's your standard brimstone and fire, plague of locust, floods type of crap coming down like crazy.

There's all the stupid crap George is doing in the name of his god. There's the fact that it's been raining for just about three months solid now [time to build an arc? I dunno]. There are people being murdered en masse in many countries throughout the world [maybe it just seems like it's happening more often and with great frequency and fervor].

And now....a plague of Mormon Crickets. I always think of myself as lucky I don't live in Idaho, but today I feel luckier than normal.

And yes, there is still something strange afoot here at go fish.

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Getting hitched in Vegas can be either really funny or really tragic. It's hilarious if you go with that intention. It's not so funny to wake up in a pool of your own vomit with a hot 19 year old Chilean guy sleeping next to you whose got a ring matching yours and absolutely no recollection of the past 12 hours.

I don't say this from experience, of course. Heh.

But you know, Vegas is Vegas. As the commercial says, what happens here, stays here. Quickie marriages, quickie divorces.

Now Louisiana is looking to cash in on the Mardi Gras nekkidness, alcohol-induced wedding proposals by getting rid of the waiting period for out of state marriages. Now you can gather ye beads where ye may, meet the stranger of yer dreams, and get hitched while trashed and then wake up in a pool of your own vomit.

Woohoo!

Quite honestly, I may not take marriage [in and of itself] seriously, but I take my marriage seriously. I think one should not get married unless they mean it. Getting divorced is something people should do in situations where there are irreconcilable differences or abuse in the relationship, not something you do because you didn't bother to get to know your future spouse well enough before getting married. Jennifer Lopez is a moron who throws her shit around like there's an expiration date on her cooter. You know, like if she doesn't find the man of her dreams by age [insert age here], her parts are going to shrivel up and fall out.

And so I think waiting periods for marriage are, in general, a good idea. It gives you a couple of days to think it over, maybe spend a little bit of extra time with the future Mr. or Mrs. Fish, maybe come to your senses.

But no waiting period+excessive amounts of alcohol=bad news and lots of divorce.

Maybe this is part of George's marriage promotion campaign. You know, marriage at any cost.

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I'm glad the Pope likes women. Really, I am.

"I thank you, dear women, because by your sensitivity, generosity and strength, you enrich the world's understanding and help to make human relationships more honest and authentic," the Pope said.

I think it's nice to get some credit from the church for something other than being solely responsible for Original Sin, and being devious people who need to be controlled by their husbands. But, you know, it just doesn't fill my heart with joy to know that the Pope believes "Perhaps more than in other periods of history, our time is in need of that genius which belongs to women, and which can ensure sensitivity for human beings in every circumstance."

I know this is nit-picky and I should just let this go, but it really bugs me that the Pope seems to think that women possess a quality that men don't. I might joke around that women are inherently better at just about everything except arm wrestling, but the truth is that I really do think that women and men are made the same way [minus the obvious physical differences]. I don't think our brains work differently or that we're naturally better at some things.

I had this converation with Mea and her little man a few weeks ago when they were over. Mea cries during tender commercials and her little man said something about it being a "girl thing." I argued that babies are the all the same -- they all cry. Male babies aren't less likely to cry -- they haven't been taught that it's not OK to cry and act sensitive yet.

I'm a firm believer in "nature over nurture" with respect to many aspects of who we are -- whether you're gay or straight or somewhere in between, whether you're better at math or english, etc. But when it comes to what are stereotypical differences between men and women, I really believe it's the "nurture" that makes us different.

Mea can cry during commercials because she was brought up to believe that it's just something girls do. We're all conditioned from birth to behave a certain way, to think a certain way, and to adopt a pattern of "girlness" or "boyness."

Sometimes "nurture" can overtake the "nature," and vice-versa. I mean, I might have been socialized to play with dolls and wear pink dresses and let my man think for me, but I have enough sense and exposure to other things to let my "nature" come through.

I really don't know where I'm going with this. There is no point. I guess I just wish the Pope would keep his stereotypes to himself.

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Yeah, so it looks like George and co. were wrong about killing Chemical Ali. According to his brother, he's alive and probably laughing his ass off.

But.....but how could that be? We were told that he had been killed in a raid in early April. And you know, it's not like those bombers have been wrong before or anything, right?

I'm shocked. Shocked, I say!

---

I believe in voodoo and witchcraft. My roommate during freshman year orientation in college was a practicing witch. She was just your average 18 year old waif with an athame in her luggage. People who don't believe in that kind of thing will routinely say that it's all based on coincidence. That wind rising, it's not because it was called, it's just windy. And that old woman giving you the evil eye? Well, it's all in your head. But I'm a firm believer in being nice to people, you know, just in case.

Anyway. Roger Ebert better hope that I'm wrong, otherwise his liver and colon are toast. That'll teach him to be mean to someone with connections! Heh.

---

I really like OPI nailpolish, particularly their New York polishes. But there's no way in hell I'd ever spend the $5 for a bottle for my pet. I hate to see animals who have been accessorized by their owners -- whether it's kerchiefs, sweaters, hats, or nail polish.

There's a panhandler outside the nearest Wawa whose hook is to dress his dog up in a little pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, and a Spongebob back pack. Every time I walk past I think of how humiliated the dog must be. He's got a little hole cut into the pants so his tail and assorted other parts can be free, and he looks idiotic. Do you think he's got low self esteem from constantly being dressed up? Do the other dogs make fun of him?

I just know I'll get flamed for this, but animals who are wearing clothes and other assorted things just look sad, like they're contemplating suicide because they have to look silly. Fido might like his spiked, electric blue dog collar, but he isn't digging the red bandana you've tied around his neck. Pretty soon people will be piercing their pets' ears or something.

There is one exception to this rule: small dogs sometimes need sweaters when being walked because they lack the body heat not to freeze to death. I still think they look embarrassed for it, but I understand the necessity.

[OPI dog polish news link found via Red-headed Slut.]

---

Hey, there's a new theme park in the works! Better get your tickets now, because they're going like hotcakes!

Habitat for Humanity to Open Slum 'Theme Park'

"Backed by Habitat for Humanity, a Christian charity, it aims to teach wealthy Americans how the world's poor really live." Right. Because corporate CEOs making obscene amounts of money are going to want to "imagine children sleeping in shacks infested with scorpions or snakes" and "walk right into a slum" so they can "see the kind of pitiful living conditions so many people in the world have." They don't care about their employees, let alone millions of faceless people who have nothing to do with them.

And you couldn't pay me enough to spend a day in that theme park. I spend a good portion of my time avoiding poverty like the plague. I'm aware that poverty exists and I do my charitable part for it. It doesn't mean that I have to spend the day touring a slum and learning to make bricks in order to really understand what being poor means.

More to the point, I and the CEOs of the world can't possibly learn what it means to be poor by looking at a slum. Unless you live the life for an extended period of time, you can't possibly understand.

To me this just smacks of people having money they don't know what to do with. Instead of spending the money on those in poverty, money is being spent so I can go to the theme park and point at the shanty homes like they're in a zoo. And then I can go back to my nice clean home with full refrigerator and forget all about it.

Yep, this is the dumbest idea I've heard today.

---

Yesterday the Boy Scouts Cradle of Liberty council [that's the Philadelphia area Boy Scouts] announced that they would no longer abide by the national charter's policy of sexual discrimination.

I was stunned.

Stunned. Coincidentally, the national office is located in Texas.

Now Boston has already done the same thing, but it's a "don't ask, don't tell" type of policy. To my knowledge, Philadelphia's decision is a bit more final than that -- they just don't care if you're gay, because being gay doesn't automatically make you a pedophile or a bad person or a recruiter for the gay circus.

Shortly after the announcement was made, a scout leader from South Philly held a press conference and announced he's gay. It wasn't because he felt the need to come out on local television, but because he wanted to immediately challenge the announcement...to be sure this new policy is for real and not just a bunch of bullshit for the media.

And it's important -- the Boy Scouts are having their national convention here next week. If you live or work in the city, don't be surprised by the protests you'll see.

While I still think the Boy Scouts [and the Girl Scouts] is an organization that teaches outdated stereotypes and roles, I'm excited that local councils are waking up and not letting the Jerry Falwell types get the last word.

I'll be interested in seeing how this all plays out over the next week or two.

---

Yesterday on our way home from grocery shopping, Craig and I ended up talking about blood alcohol levels. Specifically, how drunk was the drunkest we've ever been and we wondered what our blood alcohol level was at that point.

I have no clue what is considered an illegal blood alcohol level, although I seem to remember hearing that it varies from state to state. But I certainly know what drunkest moment ever is. Something tells me, however, that my level wasn't anywhere near enough to break the breathalyzer machine.

---

So. The U.S. bombed the hell out of Afghanistan because of the whole al Qaeda thing. The operation failed to capture or kill Osama bin Laden and, while the Taliban government was removed from power, it hasn't changed the country significantly for the better. The U.S. invaded Iraq because Hussein had all these weapons of mass destruction and those weapons might end up in the wrong hands and Iraq has this fictional al Qaeda connection. This operation failed to kill or capture Hussein and, while Hussein's government was removed from power, things are a fucking mess in Iraq [no significant improvement, other than the fact that Iraqis now can starve to death while grumbling about it without being killed for the grumbling]. Did I miss anything?

So now the Bush administration has broken off communications with Iran -- because they might have al Qaeda connections and they might have nuclear weapons. I do believe there is a pattern emerging. What's next? Bombing the shit out of Iran?

Flynt Leverett, who recently left the White House to join the Brookings Institution’s Saban Center for Middle East Policy, said the administration may be taking a gamble. “It is imprudent to assume that the Islamic Republic will collapse like a house of cards in a time frame that is going to be meaningful to us,” he said. “What it means is we will end up with an Iran that has nuclear weapons and no dialogue with the United States with regard to our terrorist concerns.”

You know, I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy.

---

So, now that Cheney has been pressed into service to help pass George's tax cut in a Republican controlled Senate, when the economy doesn't improve and the country goes way deeper into debt, will people wake up and smell the French Roast?

I just read a poll at CNN. 61% of people who took the poll don't believe the tax cut will help them. Considering almost 500,000 people lost their jobs last week, who can blame people for being pessimistic? There are currently 8.8 million people in the U.S. who are unemployed. Sure, you're going to get extra money back if you're married and have kids, but what about single people with kids, or married people without kids, or single people without kids? And even if I did get money back through this tax cut, would it help stimulate the economy? It didn't help the last time, and I did get a little extra money back.

This tax cut is bullshit. So you get a couple pennies back in your check each week -- wow, if you save them up you can afford a bottle of soda in a few months. Will it create jobs? It's seriously doubtful.

The only answer is regime change. Go register to vote.

---

I'm a little confused about the Prism Awards. Tell me why there needs to be an award for the "accurate depiction of drug, alcohol and tobacco use and addiction in film, television, interactive media, and comic book entertainment."

I understand why showing that drug, alcohol, and tobacco usage are bad is good. You want to make it seem like a horrible thing so the stupid and impressionable part of the audience doesn't think "Wow! Being a crack addict will make me beautiful and cool and successful...I think I'll try it!" I get it. But does there really need to be another entire awards ceremony to reward people for just doing something that makes sense?

And oddly, Ozzy Osborne has received a Prism Award this year. The man can barely function on a conscious level. Because he allows all this to be taped for the world to see, he gets an award. Well, congratulations on being a drug-addled drunk, Ozzy! Woo! Why didn't Anna Nicole Smith get an award? She's obviously either coked up or way drunk at all times -- she certainly gives abuse a bad name. Maybe next year.

I know that Hollywood and awards shows in general are all about excess, but it irks me in my own crazy way to know that an obscene amount of money will be spent on this awards show. People will be treated to a swanky night to be rewarded for not making drug and alcohol use seem cool, instead of channelling the money into, let's say, treatment for drug and alcohol abuse or something similar. It just seems fundamentally wrong. Yay for these big stars, to hell with all you people who might need help.

---

I believe in the concept of the soul. While I don't believe in the Christian god [or anyone else's god, for that matter], I do believe that souls are reincarnated. I don't think it's directed by a higher power, I just believe it's part of the process...sort of an automatic thing.

I don't, however, believe that you can actually sell your soul, or barter with your soul. But some people do, and if you want to purchase the soul of a young boy, well, now you can:

This is the official certificate recognoizing the owner of it, as the official holder of Zachary Jacob Browns soul. Zach is a well groomed 16 year old, who is currently enrolled as a sophomore at a rigorous Massachusetts high school. Although he is a recreational drinker, his often reckless weekend behavior is offset by his dedication throughout the work week to maintain his C average in school. He is a member of the football team and can often be found at the local playgrounds playing basketball with young boys. Here is your chance to have an opportunity at a better afterlife if you have sold your life, or have had a terrible, haunting life. Don't miss out on this chance to go to heaven and have a great afterlife with Zachary Browns soul!

It's all yours for the low, low bargain basement price of $1. I'm tempted. I wonder if it would be like The Simpsons episode when Bart sells his soul to Millhouse.

---

Misery loves company -- I was glad to see so many people confessing their weird idiosyncratic phobias after my own weird phobia confession.

Gardenwife confessed to being terrified of tornadoes. I don't think that's a phobia -- I just think that's good, old-fashioned common sense. I have only seen a tornado with my own two eyes once in my life. I was on a plane at the Denver airport, and the plane was on the tarmac taxi-ing into position. The idiot pilot came over the loudspeaker and said, "Folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll notice a tornado about three miles off. We're not taking off in that direction so we're in no danger. Enjoy your flight." That was the longest five minutes of white-knuckled waiting in my entire life. I thought for sure that the tornado was just going to land on the plane and I'd be screwed. Unlike Gardenwife, I have no believe in god whatsoever, so I wasn't counting on some higher power to save my ass, either.

I have a healthy fear of natural disasters. Floods and hurricanes are the two things I'm least afraid of. I've been through both, and, sure, you can die, but it's do-able. You usually have lots of warning, or at least enough warning to get the hell out of the way. Tornadoes, well, sometimes you get a warning. Since I don't live in a location with high tornado probability, I don't think about it too often. But I would never want to live in the Midwest because then I'd have to worry about it and have a plan.

If I had to choose a natural disaster that frightens the hell out of me, it's earthquakes. Now true -- I don't live in a region known for earthquakes. But the Pocono Mountains [I know, I know, it's the Pocono Divided Plateau -- thanks Mr. Rimple!] were created by that kind of activity, so it's not in the realm of fantasy. It could happen. And, to my knowledge, there's no early warning system available for earthquakes.

What's odd is that I would love to move to California -- one of the most earthquake prone places on the planet. I just can't figure that one out. But when I got up this morning and heard about the earthquake in Algeria, my heart froze. Almost 600 dead and over 4,600 injured is huge. I'd probably pee my pants at 2 pointer, let alone a 6.7 magnitude earthquake. I can't even begin to imagine a building falling down around me or being trapped underneath something -- it's a fear of mine, but I wouldn't say it's a phobia. Because being afraid of natural disasters/violent weather phenomena is smart.

---

I used to be one of those naive people who believed that legislation like the Patriot Act was acceptable because [say it with me] if you haven't done anything wrong or you don't have anything to hide, you have nothing to worry about. You know, because the U.S. government would never do anything sneaky, underhanded, or knowingly supress the civil rights of it's law-abiding citizens.

And then I came to my senses.

Many people who support the Patriot Act defend it by saying that, even if someone is wrongly accused, the truth will come out in court. Well, if the accused person can get to court, that is. But even if they do, that's no guarantee. We have many judges on the bench who are too stupid to differentiate between a terrorist and someone with brown skin.

"Anissa Khoder told The Journal News that when her name was called, the judge asked if she was a terrorist. She said she was offended but kept that to herself.

She claimed that after giving the judge her explanation for why the tickets should be dismissed, "He said something like, 'You have money to support the terrorists, but you don't want to pay the ticket.' I could not believe I was hearing that."

---

I don't play golf. I suck so bad at miniature golf that I suggest crash helmets whenever someone is dumb enough to want to go with me. But I don't think it's a girl thing -- I just have never learned any golf skills and I lack desire to learn and practice. Because golf just seems dull to me.

So, with this in mind, let me just say that I don't understand why there are separate women's and men's golf leagues. There's this whole brouhaha over Annika Sorenstam playing in the PGA, and it mostly seems like a bunch of guys all freaked out because a girl might beat them.

Please let me know if I'm wrong, but golf really isn't a sport about strength, right? Look at the guys on the PGA tour -- most of them aren't in peak physical condition. I could probably beat up at least half of them. Sorenstam looks like she could take all of them in a street fight. From an outsiders point of view, it looks like golf is about stamina, concentration, and putting skills. You don't need a penis for that. In fact, women naturally have better stamina and concentration. For all I know, putting skills come naturally to women, too.

Those skills seemed to miss me, of course.

I was watching my local news this morning while I was getting dressed and there was an interview with some local golf guy who said that he didn't think Sorenstam had a chance in hell of doing well at the tournament. He didn't say why -- it was just your basic "well, she's a girl" type of thing. I got a little pissed off. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I yelled "Asshole!" at the television.

I get a little tired of hearing that women are good enough or strong enough or smart enough to do the same things men do. People are always pointing out that there's been progress made in the last thirty or forty years, and there has. But men still make more than women for the same job in a lot of industries and men in power still condescend to women over just about everything. Take abortion rights, for instance -- this has never been about the right to life. It has always been just another way to take choices out of the hands of women.

Living where I do and doing what I do for a living, I'm sheltered from a lot of that "men are better" crap. The non-profit sector workforce is primarily comprised of women. Traditionalists would say that it's because women are the nurturers and are drawn to jobs where they help people. I don't think that's the reason -- it's more like non-profit wages are sinfully low and some women are used to working for shit wages. I will say that more men are now working in non-profit agencies, but go and visit one...there will be more women. Regardless of all that, because women are in the majority I don't get spoon fed that bullshit about women being inferior, even if it's passively.

And Philadelphia is fairly liberal and it's a large, urban city. If I still lived in my hometown [rural and small], the patriarchal hierarchy would be much more apparent. My mom still lives there and it's easy to see -- all the bosses are male and the secretaries are female. The secretaries fetch the coffee and straighten the ties and the bosses call them "honey." There has never been a female mayor of my town. There never will be -- the population is majority over the age of 50 and, generallly speaking, men over 50 have been brought up to think that women can't think as well as men.

I'm just bummed out about this whole issue.

---

If I were ever captured or kidnapped and my captors wanted to break me, I think a steady stream of country and bluegrass music, with some Disney songs thrown in would do the trick. Or, as an alternative, hours and hours of Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. Or, a looped tape of someone with a really shrill whistle whistling patriotic tunes. I'd be a blubbering mess within days [or less if you go with the Carey/Dion combo -- that shits lethal].

Somehow I don't think Sesame Street reruns and Metallica CDs would break my spirit. I understand that it's a cultural difference, but still -- Elmo is annoying as hell, but I really do like Oscar the Grouch and Grover. And Lars is hot. Plus, I can sleep anywhere and through anything. Well, maybe not if someone was shoving bamboo sticks under may fingernails.

But that's really not the issue -- the issue is whether or not it can be considered torture and, therefore, is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

According to Article 3, item 1C "[o]utrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment" and item 1A "[v]iolence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture" go against the Geneva Convention. I would have to say that forcing prisoners to endure music they don't like as a way of preventing sleep is cruel torture and it's definitely an affront to personal dignity. Not that Amnesty International is the be all to end all, but they're concerned about it.

I understand the need for the U.S. military to retrieve information from prisoners, but can't they just hypnotize them and drag out the information? Or inject them with truth serum? Why torture them with Barney music? Let's be civilized about this.

---

I was just talking to some co-workers when I hit the "Home" button on my browser. My homepage is set to CNN. When I saw the headline that Ari Fleischer is going to resign I got all excited and yelled, "Holy shit!"

Luckily, there's a breakfast this morning for something or other and not that many people are here in the office. Screeching "holy shit!" at the top of my lungs is frowned upon. But this is exciting stuff.

I've said it before -- something is up and it's time to get out of Dodge. It seems like there's some new White House staff resignation every week or two. Rats, sinking ship, etc. I won't miss Ari and his condescending leer. And this:

The president ended the conversation "by kissing me on the head," the spokesman said.

Don't make me sick. Are we supposed to believe that George is a gentle bear of a father figure, giving Ari his blessing with a smooch to the noggin? They better be careful with publicizing that George kisses other men -- the crazy Christian family associations will take that a sign of homosexuality.

Better to leave things with a manly, bone-crushing handshake.

---

So NASA is planning on digging their way to the Earth's core using a "nuclear device"? Didn't those people ever see the movie The Core? Isn't bad enough the Republicans are in power -- are we not destroying the world fast enough?

Yeesh.

---

I've been sickened by the increasing conservative hold on this country. People trying to legislate body modifications, spending crazy amounts of money to promote marriage, and combat goth culture, etc. I need to live where the prudes, Deeply Religious hypocrites, and heartless asshats haven't taken over. That's why I think I should maybe move to Spain. Where else can those 25 years old or younger get "sex vouchers"? And I could always get a fake driver's license so I could just say I was 25, right? Hotels are expensive, yo!

---

Hey, guess what? U.S. has prime view for lunar eclipse Thursday!

Well, except for here in Philadelphia, that is. It's fucking cloudy as hell and we're expecting heavy rain showers shortly.

Bastards. I always miss the good stuff.

---

What kind of moronic, head up their ass fucktards would agree to let a plane buzz the NYC skyline? As if New Yorkers weren't traumatized enough by low flying planes, some asshat thinks they'll set all that aside for returning troops?

Give me a fucking break. All New Yorkers still in therapy should send their shrink bills to the FAA. Dumbasses.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg blasted the FAA for allowing the flight.

"Considering the world we live in and New York City's recent history, one would expect a little more concern, sensitivity and notice from the FAA when they authorize a plane to fly at that altitude over lower Manhattan," he said in a statement.

---

So, apparently body modifications are next in line for legislators. Illinois lawmakers are considering a bill that pretty much make tongue splitting illegal.

Personally, I find tongue splits kind of creepy. In fact, it gives me the heebie jeebies just looking at it. But I don't see what the big deal is -- what makes it different from piercing, tattooing, and scarring? For that matter, what makes it different [in principle] from dying one's hair or getting plastic surgery? And what gives politicians the right to tell me what to do with my own body?

This "politicians as our collective conscious" thing is old. I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I don't need someone to give me permission to get my eyebrow pierced, buy colored contact lenses, or shave my legs. They certainly wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot and I wanted to outlaw old man chicken legs or paunchy stomachs or jowls.

I find it incredibly offensive that the legislature is spending time and money on this, wasting tax payer dollars, when there are so many more important things that need their attention. If Illinois were a perfect land and no one was poor or living in fear or homeless, then fine -- I say fuck around all you want. But this is a state that just had a huge hazing incident. They don't have enough to keep their attention focused?

---

It was only a matter of time: A lawsuit has been filed in Belgium charging war crimes against Tommy Franks for his actions in Iraq. This lawsuit has been filed by Iraqi citizens.

The case concerns the alleged victims of US cluster bombs in Iraq, as well as incidents where US troops are accused of firing on ambulances and civilians, lawyer Jan Fermon said.

It is thought unlikely that the case will succeed.

Washington has already warned that Belgium's status as an international hub could be affected unless the "universal competence" law is restricted.

With our new "compassionate conservative" Iraqi policy that allows U.S. troops to shoot looters as a warning to others, I can't imagine that this lawsuit will be the last.

---

There's something extra special about seeing your old dorm in the news. Two Temple University students got in a fight, and one bit off the ear of the other. It's good to see students embracing their inner Mike Tyson.

"First thing he got was my ear," Sheehan said. "It seems wrong but it was 20 seconds, then he ripped it off, chewed on it and spit it on the ground. He pointed at it with some more profanity as he ran."

OK, so here's where it gets really surreal -- Baez, the guy who bit off the ear, is facing an assault charge, but has only been suspended from Temple for a semester. One single semester! I'm well aware that Temple U. is the money-grubbingest institution on the planet, but one semester? Do they think that in one semester Baez is going to be reformed into a pacifist?

---

If the amount of duct tape you purchased during the whole terrorism/elevated threat level thing is directly related to the level of your patriotism and Americanism, then Philadelphia criminals are George's angels: our criminals have chosen duct tape as their weapon of choice.

Still, in the past three months there have been at least seven duct-tape related crimes in the area. Bloom said police don't track duct tape crimes, so cops don't know how the current situation compares with previous years.

This apparent increase comes after officials told people in early February to stock up on duct tape, in preparation for a possible terrorist attack.

Great! So now on top of me having to worry that my grandmother is going to die from asphyxiation because she has sealed herself for freshness inside her own home on the recommendation of George, I now have to be on the look out for thugs with duct tape.

At least now we know what all those extra rolls of duct tape are being used for.

[Please note: I'm completely aware that duct tape was used for crime before this. I'm simply pointing out the increase in duct tape crimes might be related to Homeland Security.]

---

Mark you calendar: May 16 and 17 is Mike the Headless Chicken Day.

I'm not sure why, but I find myself strangely creeped out by Mike's story. My grandfather used to keep chickens on the farm when I was a kid, so headless chickens prowling the grounds isn't that foreign to me. But the idea that this thing was kept alive by the farmer feeding it through the neck with an eyedropper just kind of skeeves me right out.

---

Boohoo, everyone is anti-American. It's dangerous. It's "trite." Yes, I swear to you Jack Straw actually called feelings of anti-Americanism in Europe "trite."

"First of all they did literally save Europe from the most terrible tyranny in the Second World War but in addition if you look at IT, you look at biotech, the things that these days keep us going, make our lives happier and healthier, it's to America that we owe a huge amount.

"People need to remember that."

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. So people need to forget that the current administration is intent on enforcing it's will on the entire world arbitrarily and as it sees fit [preemptively], and just buy into the party line that the world would be a far worse place if not for the ingenuity of those plucky Americans?

I am an American and that sounds like a whole lot of crap to me. I do think Americans, in general, get a bad rap. But lately I don't blame people for seeing us in a bad light. Our government is acting in a reprehensible manner. Regime change starts at home, yo.

---

I'm convinced rubenesque is on it's way back in...even Christina Aguilera can pinch an inch these days.

It's about fucking time -- I'm sick to death of counting the ribs on these skinny ass bitches.

---

Chari sent me a link to a story about Philadelphia nude models and their quest to unionize this morning. I heard about it last night and thought about it for a little while. It strikes me that you have to be a Philadelphian to really appreciate this story.

I know that sounds a little weird. The story itself sounds crazy. Nude models needing a union? What? But here is what you might not understand: Philadelphia is a union town. I'm not talking about a normal union town -- Philadelphia is uber-unionized, filled with teamsters and mobsters and people who run their lives according to and for their unions.

A few years ago I worked for a cancer research organization here in town. We had an annual meeting in Philadelphia at the convention center. It cost us way more money to have it here than it would have in, let's say, San Francisco or Toronto. Why? Because the union has to do everything for you, and you have to pay the union employee accordingly. I had to carry a box of brochures that weighed about ten pounds and was half the size of a microwave about 15 feet to a registration table. My organization was fined an obscene amount of money because I didn't call to the maintenance department, request a worker, and then wait an hour until the guy showed up to carry my box 15 feet.

Think I'm exaggerating? Read this article about the situation at the Center. The first sentence pretty much says it all: It takes three labor unions to put down a tablecloth at the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Unions are ruining Philadelphia and its economy.

Before you freak out and tell me that unions are necessary and wonderful -- I am fully aware of the usefullness of unions when it comes to protecting the rights of workers. But when I can't carry a box 15 feet or you need workers from six different unions to put together a booth, there's obviously something really wrong. This place is just nuts.

So the fact that nude models are now unionized doesn't strikes me as so strange because I've been in this weird culture of union dominance for 13 years. What's really troubling to me is that I can see the point of having them unionized. Perhaps it's time to move elsewhere...somewhere less, um, organized.

---

It has become evident that there is a serial groper in our midst. Yesterday five women were squeezed on the fly by a chubby guy on a bicycle in Center City Philadelphia.

I'm quivering with antici-pation to see what unfolds today.

The scene is playing out in my mind. The women all say it happened too fast to react, so the guy had to be moving at a pretty high rate of speed, right? But yet he was able to ferociously clamp on to numerous boobs and butts throughout the day, some hard enough to leave bruises. Does anyone see something not adding up? If you're on a bike and you're moving, the most you're going to be able to do is high five the random buttcheek or boobie. Actual groping and squeezing can only be accomplished during a much more leisurely bike ride. And if the guy was moving slowly enough to accomplish a reach around or what have you, why was he able to get away unscathed? According to all involved, the guy was chubby -- how fast could he pedal his ass away from the scene of the crime?

I have serious issues with respecting my personal space -- so if some stranger on the street decides to grab himself a little taste, he's going to get pummelled. Or at the very least, I will push him off his bicycle and kick him when he's down.

And now I'm giggling.

---

I get very sad when non-profit institutions with a long history close due to insufficient funding. It was announced today that the Philadelphia Center City YMCA is going to close after 125 years.

Sure, there are still a few other Y's in the city, but none in Center City. That means there are going to be thousands of kids who have to find new after school and summer activities, parents who will have to locate new day care options, and adults who will have to find a new place to work out or meet for social activities. It's sad.

And this is the trend. Both large and small agencies all across the nation are going out of business because they can't generate the funding to stay open. The economy sucks -- people can't afford to fork over a couple hundred dollars to the YMCA as a charitable donation. They can barely afford to pay for their own needs. Some of the Y's funding is federal. The federal funding for charitable organizations is shrinking so we can pay for things like carrying out the Patriot Act and throwing a whale of a National Peanut Festival in Alabama.

You know, important stuff like that.

---

You know, I was happy when Private Lynch was rescued. If the war was going to be stuffed down our throats, the most I could do was fervently hope for the safe return of U.S. troops and the safety of Iraqi civilians in the face of "Shock and Awe" and MOABs and all of that.

The media went into a frenzy over her rescue. Private Lynch was catapulted onto this pedestal of shining military glory. We were told she was a prisoner of war, that she was captured and being held against her will. Of course, now come reports that Private Lynch was well cared for and had excellent medical treatment and caring medical professionals looking after her who tried to return her to the U.S. military.

I don't automatically believe every word -- of the Iraqi hospital, or of the U.S. military. The truth is probably somewhere in between. And yes, I'd be interested in hearing the tale directly from Private Lynch, but, conveniently, she seems to have amnesia. In fact, officials are saying that she "mentally blocked out the horrible things we strongly believe she went through."

It saddens me to think this whole thing has a sinister ring to it. Maybe Private Lynch does remember and doesn't want to spill the beans for fear of infuriorating the top brass and putting her military career in jeopardy. Maybe she remembers, but the amnesia story is a military smoke screen. Maybe she really doesn't remember. Or maybe it's a little more X-Files-y than that. Maybe she will emerge with a Stepford like quality to her and the absolute knowledge that she was tortured within an inch of her life.

I sound like a loon. Pretty soon I'm going to start subscribing to conspiracy theory newsletters and stockpiling weapons and food for the looming governmental plot to kill anyone who doesn't agree with them. This is sick. I feel sick that this scenario isn't completely ridiculous. Cripes, I think I have the vapors.

[Link found via Easy Bake Coven]

---

Heh. The 50 Most Loathesome People in America.

My favorites:

34. PAT ROBERTSON

Misdeeds: Won't rest until we're all on our knees, praying to Jesus and dreaming of jobs at Wal-Mart.

Aggravating Factor: Back in 1992, said this about apartheid in South Africa: "I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."

Aesthetic: Inquisitor-perfect hygiene.

-and-

16. ARI FLEISCHER

Misdeeds: Wherever he ends up placed on this list will not be high enough. This motherfucker carries G.W. Bush's demon seed in his anal womb, gestates a fresh offspring a couple times a day and produces a few Rosemary's steamers at press conferences with all the non-chalance of a Spot Coffee latte jerk. Fleischer is the very bold assertion, by the powers that be, that Americans and their media representatives are too whip-shy to just say, "Wait a fucking minute. You're telling a goddamned lie, Fleischie." He is a brazen challenge from the tri-laterals and Bildenbergs, etc., that they know that we, as the TV umbilical-cable-dependent, won't do anything to jeopardize our little no-compulsory-military-service, double-mocha-under-a-self-contained, climate-controlled indoor-suburban-shopping-theme-park-with-a-Botox-safety-net dream.

Aggravating Factor: He is less life-like than every other who has stood in his rank. Within weeks, there promises to be empirical evidence that Fleischer was produced by the same laboratory that gave us Nixon tron John Dean.

Aesthetic: C3PO melded with Carson Daly operating off a modified Charles Grodin chip.

[link found via Suburban Guerilla]

---

If you lived in a dorm during college, chances are you hid under the bed or in the closet during a fire alarm at least once. I lived in Johnson Hall at Temple U. for two years. The fire alarms went off at least ten times every week, and every single time you were expected to leave the dorms until the dorm could be swept for a fire source. This could take anywhere from ten minutes to 45 minutes. If you were found in your room you would be fined some obscene amount of money.

I actually went out for a fire alarm exactly once.

The stupid fire alarms usually went off in the middle of the night. If you think I'm getting up, getting dressed, and schlepping my ass down nine flights of stairs so I can freeze my ass off on North Broad Street at 3am for half an hour, you're fucking nuts. I hid underneath my bed. The alarm would go off, my roomie and I would moan and then crawl underneath our beds and fall back to sleep.

Luckily, there was never a real fire. We would have been screwed if there had been. After all, what good is the death of dorm roommate if the other roommate can't claim the automatic 4.0 for the semester?

My friends and I always thought that was a myth. I mean, sure I'd be sad and distraught if my roommate died, but clocking a 4.0 for the semester automatically seemed too good to be true. If that was true, we thought there'd be a lot more homocides in the dorms. I myself netted a 1.2 my first semester at college. If I really thought I could get a 4.0 for killing off my roommate I might have gotten creative...or at least thought about it. I kid!

Anyway, yeah, no fires. We were never caught and fined, although I did discover my Resident Advisor trying to make off with my weed stash once.

But the 4.0 thing is, apparently, true. During my sophomore year some girl died and all her roommates got a 4.0. This is not a friend of a friend situation. I was friends with one of the roommates. It happened early in the semester, and she didn't attend another class for the rest of the semester. Interesting, no?

I wonder if the 4.0 thing is in effect at Western Kentucky University. Over the weekend there was a dorm fire that was set to cover up an attempted murder. Did you notice the roommate was conveniently not home at the time of the fire? Sure. The roommate probably stabbed the girl, set the fire, and then escaped to the library. And it was 4am.

Wonder how many people were hiding under their beds?

---

I'm not a big fan of pain or inconvenience. In fact, I'm downright wimpy. Did you know that a big part of the reason I take birth control pills is so I don't get debilitating cramps and only have my period for two days [I know that's sort of TMI]? I cried yesterday when I removed the super-adhesived bandage from the site of my blood donation. I whine if I get even a little cut.

People who have super human pain tolerance amaze me. Like this mountain climber guy who amputated his own arm with a fucking pocket knife and then repelled to safety.

You never know how you're going to react in extreme situations, but I can safely say that sawing through my arm with a pocket knife is something that I just don't have the stomach for. I'd draw a little blood and that would be the end of it. You'd hear my sissy screams in Europe.

---

Generally speaking, I tend to think of a job at the White House as the ultimate gig. The hours probably suck, but the pay and benefits are probably not bad -- particularly if you're the White House cybersecurity advisor.

Morale in the Big House must be incredibly bad if working for Ebay seems like a better option than working for George. Has some sort of record been set yet with regard to White House staff resigning during the Bush II administration? It seems like every other day there's some high level staff person heading for the hills.

Not that I can blame anyone -- who would want to work with that slimy pusbag?

---

So, is Coke's latest promo in honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day?

Classy, classy bunch of marketing geniuses.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
~Gov George W. Bush

Swastika nipples are a hot new Spring look, I'm told. Jinkies!

---

Boy 'pregnant' with twin brother

Um, well that's kinda creepy, no?

I have occasionally heard stories about people having tumors and cysts remove that contain all sorts of stuff, but I've never heard someone say that "while it was no longer a living substance it was feeding off the boy's blood supply." It reminds me of the episode of X-Files with the freakshow.

Now I'm vaguely itchy. Yuck.

---

I'd totally buy these playing cards

[link found via Oliver Willis]

---

Um, so I love shoes. And I'm willing to pay for a good and pretty shoe. But I don't think I could ever bring myself to shell out $1M for a pair of shoes, even if the cash was going to charity.

"The shoes, inspired by the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz, were woven from platinum thread and set with 642 rubies."

I do wish that I were in London right now so I could go to Harrod's and at least ogle them a bit. I wonder what size they are. And I wonder if they'd let me at least try them on.

Hmmmm.

---

It looks like all my worrying over whether the GOP is ruining this country and making the world a crappier place, in general, is for naught. According to Sir Martin Rees [royal astronomer], we've only got a "50/50 chance of surviving another century." There's some good news, eh?

Rees brings up some interesting questions. One that I have been thinking about is the "extent to which individuals might trade their own privacy in order to allow the state to combat new, insidious, forms of global terrorism: a sort of democratised form of Big Brother." To be honest, I'm not willing to compromise my rights in order to crack down on terrorism. Take a look at, for instance, London. There have been terrorist attacks in London for many, many years. London residents have not lost any of their freedoms, as far as I know. Any English citizens want to chime in here? While in London a few weeks after September 11th I didn't notice any extremes in searches for public safety. If the English government can deal with terrorism without making things insane for it's citizens, why can't the American government do the same?

Rees notes the things that could be threats: "Among these, he includes natural events, such as super-eruptions and asteroid impacts, and man-made disasters like engineered viruses, nuclear terrorism and even a take-over by super-intelligent machines." And then wonders if "scientists should withhold findings which could potentially be used for destructive purposes, or if there should be a moratorium, voluntary or otherwise, on certain types of scientific research, most notably genetics and biotechnology."

That's a slippery slope. A moratorium on genetics and biotech research could be potentially disasterous. A researcher doing cloning experiments, for instance, might accidentally stumble across a cure for cancer of AIDS. It happens often enough -- research for one thing yields findings in completely other areas.

Withholding findings runs a similar risk. Of course, if a scientist discovers a new something or other that could kill the world in two seconds, yes, I think it's acceptable to keep that information to him or herself. Of course, someone else will eventually discover the same thing and that person might not be so ethical. So then you have to wonder if wouldn't it have been a good idea to disseminate the information in the first place so you could work on a vaccine for when the unethical person sells the dangerous material to a terrorist organization?

I think I might have to go out and buy Rees' new book.

---

I don't believe in banning private ownership of guns. In doing so, you create another avenue of cash flow for crime syndicates and freelance criminals. It's sort of like keeping drugs illegal -- if you de-criminalize drug use, you don't need to purchase your drugs from criminals anymore and they lose out on money.

I will say, though, that I do support certain laws pertaining to gun ownership. You should need to be licensed and background checked. You should be fingerprinted and your gun should be fingerprinted. Unless you're in law enforcement there isn't any need for a private citizen to own an assault rifle. I don't think gun manufacturers should be able to be sued because some smacked ass picks up a gun and kills someone, but I do think all guns should come standard with child proof safety locks that can't be permanently removed. I think most people feel this way -- gun ownership should stay legal but there should be rules and regulations. I'm not saying anything crazy or extreme.

And so, by that token, Jeb Bush must be on crack.

Good old Jeb thanked the NRA for helping to get George elected in 2000. This may or may not be true. According to the NRA exit polls, 48% of voters are gun owners. It seems a little high to me, but it could be true. But I seriously doubt that every single gun owner agrees with the NRA that gun ownership should be "an individual right with few restrictions." Furthermore, I really doubt that very many people believe Jeb's assertion that "[t]he sound of our guns is the sound of freedom."

If you live out in the backwoods of Kentucky the sound of a gun just means you might be hunting or doing a little target practice. That's innocent enough. But try living in a city. The sound of a gun isn't the sound of freedom -- it's the sound of someone getting killed or injured. It's the sound of being afraid to leave your home because you might get randomly shot at.

I think of card carrying NRA members as freaky militia people who are convinced that they need a gun for self-defense. Never mind the fact that they might live out in the middle of no where and you need a road map to find their home. Maybe they think the shit is going to hit the fan one day and some rogue nation will invade and then we'll all be sorry that every household doesn't have a gun.

And I'm not against owning a gun for self-defense. Although I will say that the first thing my self-defense teacher told us is that having a gun for self-defense is usually a bad idea. It can be taken from you during a violent attack and used against you, or you might make a mistake and shoot your roommate. I've had a hunter's safety course and I know how to shoot a handgun, but I have never thought owning a gun is a good idea. After I was mugged many years ago my dad offered me a gun, and I politely declined.

I would like to think that the average American can tell the difference between rational thought on gun ownership, and crazed extremists like those fools at the NRA. Even Cleetus and Mavis from the smallest town in Kansas can understand that the NRA's legislative agenda [including allowing a ban on specific assault rifles to lapse] is not good for your average American.

I kind of hope that people snap out of their patriotic coma and get with the program -- keeping Americans in fear [from gun violence, from the threat of terrorism, etc.] doesn't do anyone any good. It just tears us further and further away from each other.

---

I've been thinking about Rick Santorum a lot these last few days. It's not just that he's a homophobic schmuck, it's that he's so clueless about it. And, because I have an overactive imagination, I started thinking about what his home life must be like. A man like Rick, so quick to defend his Religious Right, uber-Catholic, Stepford thoughts, can't be any fun to have around the house. But I suspect that his wife, Karen, is just as much of a freak as he is.

Rick: Honey, I'm home!
Karen: Oh, Rick! How washyer day out makin' the world shafe from thosh sinning homo-seshu-als and meddling baby killersh?
Rick: Well, sweetiepie, daddy made a couple of fags mad today by telling the Truth. You know how it is -- but I know a couple of gays. In fact, isn't our interior decorator gay? That ought to shut those bastards up.
Karen: Oh, Rick! Yer my hero. Where'd I put that drink?
Rick: Guess what, pumpkin? It's Tuesday! It's marital relations night! Time to give daddy some sugar!
Karen: Oh, Rick! Tueshday already? Where doesh the time go? Oh, but shugarplum, I shpent the day having cocktailsh with the maid and shlaving over the hot shtove making you a tashty meal of meat and potatoesh. *hiccup* Wouldn't you like to eat firsht?
Rick: Why Karen, you know I like my meat and potatoes in the bedroom! Ha ha ha. Gosh, I'm so witty and smart -- is it any wonder thousands of Pennsylvanians voted me into office and assigned me to be their moral compass?
Karen: Oh, Rick! You really are *hiccip* a man of god! I tell you what let'sh do -- go take a shower and wash yer parts real good and momma will meet you in the bedroom.
Rick: Karen, you minx! OK, I'll meet you there in five minutes.

[Karen scampers off to the kitchen and pours herself another martini. She picks up the phone, and calls a friend.]
Karen: Bonnie, it'sh Karen. Fucking Rick jusht got home, I'm ripped, and it'sh muthafucking bone the uptight white guy night. The poolboy fucked me ten ways to Shunday yeshterday, guessh it'sh a good thing he came early. Fuck, I gotta go. Rick'sh gettin' purified for the marital missionary shtyle blissh. Later.
[Karen finishes up her drink and mopes to the bedroom.]

---

Yeah, so I'm checking my email and I turn on the local news. Their health reporter is fielding questions about SARS emailed in from area viewers. OK, now put on your best moron voice and say it with me:

I am wondering if I should be worried about getting SARS when I shop at the dollar store. Most of those products are manufactured in China and I'm very nervous about buying these products at the dollar store for fear that I'll get sick.

That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard in the last few hours. The person has obviously been watching the SARS media blitz but only half paying attention. Otherwise, he or she would know that SARS is transmitted person to person. Besides which, what dollar stores does this person shop at, the asian-made dollar store?

I'm betting that the email writer has a mullet and really likes polyester and has a house full of dollar store chotchkies.

---

If I had to list my basic necessities for life, I'd say clean water, food, medical supplies if I get sick, maybe electricity. How about you? Does anyone require, let's say, oil on a daily basis?

"Our focus in restoring the oil is to give the biggest benefit to the Iraqi people," said Brig. Gen. Robert Crear, the top U.S. official charged with getting Iraq's oil production up and running.

What? Much of the country doesn't have any basic necessities, but making the oil flow is giving the "biggest benefit" to Iraqi citizens. Have I taken leave of my faculties? Does that make sense to anyone?

---

Is it wrong to be insanely jealous of a 13 year old boy?

Just for starters, the kid is about to graduate from college. And then he's also planning to get four or five doctoral degrees, is heavily involved in activism, and has political aspirations.

In about 20 years Gregory Smith is going to be the President. And considering what we've got going now, there's going to be a lot to fix. Luckily, he's a genius.

I'm almost comforted.

Almost.

---

Anyone ever read James Patterson books? Specifically, has anyone read Kiss the Girls? If this book had been published earlier, I'd swear it's where that sicko from NY with the underground torture/rape chamber got his ideas from. It's eerily similar. And now I'm creeped out.

"So far, Jamelske has exercised his right to remain silent," according to the local prosecutor. Coincidentally, the right to remain silent [your Miranda Rights] are going to be reconsidered by the Supreme Court at the request of, surprise surprise, the Bush administration. What's that you said about feeling like you live in Nazi Germany?

---

So when I saw the stupid deck of playing cards with the most wanted Iraqis on them, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, "Self, there's a redneck Christmas gift if there ever was one."

But now, everytime a new Iraqi is captured or gives himself up or whatever, the news flashes the bad guy's playing card from that deck. If it's possible, the news has sunk to an all time low. What do I care if the latest arrested Iraqi was the Queen of Hearts?

And then this morning the media informed me that the cards were put out by the Pentagon, which I hadn't heard before. So now the I know why they were produced. It wasn't so uber-patriots around the country would have something to do with their time -- it's flashcards for George.

[Doonesbury link via Mike.]

---

I didn't really hang out in public places too often when I was growing up. The fact of the matter is that there really wasn't anyplace to hang out. There was the McDonald's, the King's Pizzeria, or the Kmart parking lot. Each location had it's own politics -- for instance, I could never hang out in the Kmart parking lot because I didn't intend to stay in my hometown getting liquored up and giving birth until my death at the age of 39 from a heroin overdose. Mostly we all just had little gatherings at each other's houses.

So I can't really say that I have ever been intimidating to anyone with a yen to shop, like the teens are accused of doing in a nearby town. It wouldn't have really been an issue, and so by making it illegal to gather in groups of more than six in a public place wouldn't have made a difference. But I feel their pain, and I think it's a ridiculous plan. I mean, how can you make it illegal to gather in a public park? Aren't that what parks are for? You know, public loitering? Usage by the general public?

And Souderton isn't that big -- I can't imagine a bunch of 'burb kids amassing their entire class in one huge group and "intimidating potential shoppers."

The local authorities say that it's really only aimed at decreasing vandalism and instances of "misbehavior." But doesn't that just tell you that you need a] more police officers on your force b] with better training and c] a neighborhood watch? Or, as crazy as this seems, d] an alternative activity for those teens? A dance club, maybe? A new arcade? And I hate to burst someone's bubble, but I seriously doubt there's a huge roving band of juvenile deliquents with spray paint. That kind of stuff usually happens in the dead of night with a small group of friends.

It always kills me when adults forget what it was like to be a kid. They forget how to think like a kid. And if you can't get inside the head of a 16 year old and recall some details, there's no way you're going to make decent legislation that pertains to them. Personally, the first thing that popped into my head is that, by making the parents liable for their kids' behavior, your going to have kids getting fined intentionally just to punish their parents.

---

With the arrest and eventual prosecution of Scott Peterson for the murder of his wife and not-yet-born son, there is bound to be an increase in anti-abortion/right to life rhetoric. Under California law, if a pregnant woman is killed and that murder leads to the death of the fetus as well, the murderer can be charged with a double homicide.

On the surface, it seems just. How can someone kill a pregnant woman, let alone a woman who is your wife that just happens to be carrying your son? It's sick and depraved and awful, and Peterson should be made to pay as much as possible. But yet, because the baby hadn't yet been born, charging Peterson with it's murder puts this case squarely into the fight over a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body.

Abortion opponents will say if Peterson can be charged with the murder of an unborn child, then why aren't women who abort fetuses intentionally able to be charged with murder? It's the same thing, right? The end result is the same -- a fetus is dead, and not from natural causes.

Unfortunately, that's all the further pro-lifers can see. Dare I call them short-sighted? They don't see that it really is a different situation. The fact of the matter is that Laci Peterson didn't choose to terminate her pregnancy -- and so I equate Scott Peterson with the "no abortion for any reason" crowd. Why? Because both of them take away the choice of the mother. In Scott Peterson's case, Laci didn't have a choice whether to have her baby or not. He [in all likelihood] murdered her [which led to the death of the fetus]. With anti-abortion activitsts, they also want to revoke the choice over whether or not to have a child.

It's an extreme position to take, but it only seems fair. Pro-choice people have been branded murderers, whether we actually need to have an abortion or not. How dare you advocate the choice to terminate the life of a pre-sentient mass of cells that could one day develop into a human being! Murderer! And so, by reason of free association [sort of like the Pope equating divorced people with criminals], I'm going to equate Pro-Lifers with murderers. Next time I run into an anti-abortion protest outside of a Planned Parenthood or wherever, I'm just going to make my own sign and run around calling the protestors murderers. I'll make a tshirt that says "Shame on you, Pro-Lifers! You're no better than Scott Peterson!"

Yeah, I'm being a little facetious. But the fact of the matter is that this is just going to incite a lot of smug Pro-Lifers, pounding their chests, puffing up with pride, saying, "See, I told you and I was right -- abortion must be wrong if Scott Peterson is being prosecuted for murdering an unborn child! Hah!" In a lot of ways, it will remind me of the pro-war hawks who point accusingly at all us anti-this-war folks and scream, "See, look at how happy that group of Iraqis are! They love us, they love the U.S.! See how happy they are with their freedom!" And, like the pro-war hawks, the Pro-Lifers are [as usual] missing the ultimate point.

---

I was just reading an article about scientists finding extinct plant and animal DNA from some ancient dirt. And I think it's really neat -- that the world can be scientifically proven to be very very old. It's not because I'm a science nut, it's because I imagine that people who deny science and say, based on a fictional book, the world is only a couple thousand years old read an article like this, turn to their significant other and say, "Hey Cleetus, them thar sci-enteests are at it again, makin' up lies about the world. Now how can there be anything older than 3,000 years old when the en-tiiiire wurld knows that gawd created the universe and the planet an' all that?"

I think it would be fascinating to hang out with one of these people for 24 hours. To deny the actual finds in science would mean that they can't possibly believe in medicinal science or car and plane technology. Indoor plumbing must seem like a right modern idea to them.

Idiot #1 - "But Cleetus, howdya know where the poop goes?"
Idiot #2 - "Well, Mavis, the good lawd just takes the poop and wisks it away now. Who cares where it really goes? The lawd works in myster-iooous ways, he does."

---

While I think the idea of duct tape equalling safety is a silly idea, I can understand why people would think this is true. After all, how many times can you hear duct tape and plastic sheeting will save you in case of the apocalypse before it becomes a fact? Somehow, I don't think that's what those crazy local kids were thinking when they routinely duct taped their children. The kids are all reporting that it was done to keep them quiet and immobile. The wife reports the photos were staged by the husband. Riiiiiight.

I might not like kids, and I joke about locking them in closets and stuff, but people who do bad things to children don't deserve any breaks. Whether you just kill them straight off or lock them up for decades to come, it really doesn't matter. If you have it in you to intentionally hurt a child, someone who has no real power to defend themselves, you really can't be rehabbed and set loose back into society as a normal person...because you lack common sense and a sense of deceny.

---

Well. I guess Laci Peterson's husband wasn't as slick as he thought he was -- he has apparently been taken into custody for her murder.

And yes, he's innocent until proven guilty. But if I were him I wouldn't make any vacation plans.

---

I know the uber-patriots all hate France, but at least they're making some effort to halt the flow of Iraqi antiquities looted from the Baghdad Museum. The U.S. certainly doesn't give a shit about the artifacts [well, except for the three advisors to the White House Cultural Property Advisory Committee who quit today in protest. At the rate Bush White House staff and appointees are quitting in protest over the stupid shit the administration does, there won't be anyone left by the next election]. I find it stunning that dirtbag Rumsfeld actually feigned surprise over the looting and downplayed the importance of the pilfering of the priceless objects of art and history, especially in light of the two or three months of warning the government received from scholars all over the world and pleas from Museum executives to take precautions against expected looting. Yes, shit happens -- I'm sure Rumsfeld wouldn't be upset in the least if someone broke into his house and stole his irreplaceable family treasures.

I can understand the Iraqi people wanting to rid themselves of any memory of Hussein and the Ba'ath party. I'm sure the museum held some things Hussein-esque. Fine. But this is the equivalent of some smacked asses making off with the Liberty Bell, the original Constitution, the Rosetta Stone, the original Bible, and the Mona Lisa. Heads would fucking roll, but now artworks dating back to 7000 BC are gone, possibly never to be seen again, and it's a shoulder shrug, a smirk, and a "shit happens."

How can a country move forward when they have no history?

---

Despite my checkered past, I'm not really a daredevil when it comes to stunts during which I could die. I really like living way too much to jeopardize my health and well-being. I'm not talking about high risk things like sky-diving and bungee jumping. While I realize they're high risk, the likelihood of actually perishing during something like that isn't that high.

I'm talking about things like getting involved high speed chases with police and scaling buildings with little to no safety equipment. Oh, and things seen on shows like Jackass. It's sort of a guy thing to be an adrenaline junky or whatever. Boys will be dumbasses and all that.

But really, what kind of fucking idiot do you have to be to wheelie your way at high speed through rush hour traffic? What's especially hilarious to me is that these morons are actually making money by being smacked ass, recording themselves being smacked ass, and then selling it to other smacked asses.

I guess that's the beauty of reality television though. You can watch someone act like a shithead without having to endure the trauma yourself, first hand.

---

So the U.S. is going to give every Iraqi who worked for the Iraqi government $20.00 to jumpstart the economy in Iraq. And there are no records as to who worked for the government, although the estimate is about 2 million.

That must be wonderful news to the millions of poor families in the U.S.

---

The scene: Philadelphia Chinatown neighborhood. The streets are barren, shopkeepers sweeping the tumbleweeds out of their shops. There is nary a tourist to be seen.

Out of the dustbowl steps Mayor John Street, graying hair blowing gallantly in the wind. His fingers twitch at his side, ready to pull his chopsticks out of his holster at any given moment. It's a stand-off. Mayor Street wants his chop suey, and no fear of SARS will stop him from his destination.

Stupid tourists and suburban haus fraus stand at the edges of Chinatown wearing designer face masks, quaking with the palsy of the needlessly frightened. "Stop!" they shout, voices muffled by their masks. "Mayor Street, we beg of you -- do not eat the dim sum! It's tainted, I tell you! You'll catch the plague and die!"

Mayor Street gives a maniacal laugh and charges into Chinatown.

Yeah, see, this sounds like a fabricated and ridiculous scenario. Unfortunately, this played out for real a day or two ago. Apparently there is a faction of morons who is equating the Asian-American community in Philadelphia with SARS, and so business in Chinatown is down sharply. Because, let's face it, if you look asian in any way you must have SARS. Never mind that half of the people who run businesses in Chinatown haven't left the country in years, and only a small fraction of them have ever been to the places affected by SARS in their entire lives.

You just know that Cleetus, Flo, and the brood are sitting around right now, planning their trip into the Big City, studiously avoiding Chinatown and making a contingency plan should they come in contact with any stray asian people they might encounter in the rest of the city. Muffy and Reginald from the 'burbs are just going to stay in their own little subdivision and sup with the twinset and pearls crowd from the country club.

They'll just have to put off their walk on the wild side [those shrimp rolls sure are exotic] until after all health threats have passed. After all, it's bad enough that they have to take a chance on consuming cat and MSG.

So Mayor Street has stepped up to the plate. He figures that if the frightened masses see him eating in Chinatown, the fear will pass and happiness will descend on Chinatown in the form of hungry wallets tourists. And you know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when Mayor Street is the voice of reason.

It probably speaks volumes about my mental process that it reminds me of that scene in Jaws when the mayor of the island stalks around the beach asking townspeople to go into the water so the tourists will see the coast is clear.

Of course, in that case, the coast wasn't clear. In this case, it's just a lot of dookie fabricated by people who don't care to think rationally. These are the same people who are scared out of their wits to go anywhere without their duct tape and plastic sheeting, or who are too freaked out by things that might happen to think logically.

Next thing you know an frightened angry mob of rural PTA members will try to burn down Canada, because there are SARS cases there too. On a lighter note, eventually all those dumbasses will turn on each other, convinced that everyone has SARS and needs to die. And then maybe the rest of us, the intelligent and rational people, will be able to take back the country and straighten out the mess that's been made, all due the excessive fear-mongering.

---

So I was reading an article last week about a British woman who has lived in Basra for the last 35 years. This is what she had to say about Hussein:

"The government did strange things, like making everybody take oaths of allegiance," said Margaret.

"Travel was restricted. And people seemed to disappear for no reason."

While I would be remiss if I were to compare the current U.S. administration with Hussein and the Ba'ath party, it kind of strikes just a little bit of fear into my heart that some of those things sound familiar.

What things? This persistent and bizarre insistence that you're either with us or against us, that being anti-war and not agreeing with everything the President believes in is traitorous and unpatriotic and unAmerican, in it's own way, a directive to make an allegiance to George. Then there's the bill a few months ago that would have required all citizens to register their travel plans. And people are, indeed, disappearing.

Am I frightened for no reason? I sure hope so.

---

So those pesky WMD's that Iraq definitely had are now reputedly in Syria. I'm sure after George and co. invades Syria and doesn't find the weapons in question, they'll invade some other country because the weapons have been moved there.

Does anyone ever get the feeling that this whole thing is playing out like Where's Waldo?

---

Just a little tax-related tidbit --

The average taxpayer will pay $260.00 for the invasion of Iraq [*as of right now]. The average family will pay $625.00.

The average American makes, what, about $30K-35K? So adjust your chunk accordingly.

I wish that I could earmark how my families' $625.00 could be spent. For instance, I don't want to pay for bombs or bullets...because I don't want any of the responsibility for hurting people. I would be OK with my part of the money being used for medical care and emergency food and water relief or for rebuilding all the things destroyed in Iraq. Before you get all pissy and say that your $325 was well spent to "liberate" Iraq, no one's arguing that Hussein needed to go...so shut it down, eh?

Whatever amount I paid for the bombing of Afghanistan, it doesn't seem to have been enough to make a difference.

*$80M has been earmarked, but estimates have gone as high as $150M.

---

So who remembers the story of the Deeply Religious army chaplain who offered up access to a bath to soldiers stationed in Iraq in the form of a baptism only after they listened to his 1.5 hour sermon?

I'm happy to report that he's under investigation. Llano [the chaplain] has been quoted as saying, "You have to be aggressive to help people find themselves in God."

You just know that he's one of these crazies who subscribes to the "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy. Oy vey.

There's some question about what kind of punishment would be appropriate in this situation, but I think I have an idea.

I think we should force him to go through basic training without the opportunity to shower. It obviously isn't the same as desert combat, but it would simulate at least part of the experience -- dirt, fighting, sweat, lack of sleep, etc.

Then, he should be forced to sit through a two hour long lecture on the wonders of worshipping carrots and be forced to pledge his eternal soul to carrots and be baptized in the church of the carrots in a pool of water filled with the dirt and sweat of 100 other people.

Because for those who are dirty and tired and want nothing more than to feel clean for two seconds, being forced to take two hours out of their busy fighting schedule and having the word of jeebus forced down your throat feels just like that.

[link found via Big Pink Cookie.]

---

This is exactly how I feel right now.

---

Hey, here's some good news: there's a theory that SARS might be carried by cockroaches.

Cockroaches are considered to be one of the most serious risks to public health. Species such as American, German and Oriental cockroaches can transfer filth and disease from rubbish to domestic environments, causing the contamination of food. Cockroaches are omnivorous, with a diet including food, hair, leather, wallpaper and faeces. Viruses are contracted by humans on being ingested with food that has been infected by cockroaches. However, a spokeswoman for the Hong Kong health authorities said that all kinds of insects, not only cockroaches, were being investigated, as well as rats.

I think I'm going to carry this article around with me, and give a copy to the crazy fucking pigeon feeding lady who is the bane of my existence.

The pigeon lady must die. Slow, painful, disease-ridden death. Oh yes, I will find a way.

---

I used to go clubbing a lot. It was this ritual when I was in college -- we'd head over to The Bank on Spring Garden Street around 10 or 11pm, dance there until almost closing time, then we'd run across the street to Silk City Diner.

Let me tell you, there's nothing better than pancakes at 2am when you're trashed. Well, maybe a cheesesteak from Pat's, but that's a whole different story.

Anyway, some strange things have happened to me whilst partying over the years. I met the guys from Marilyn Manson, gotten into fist fights, danced in a cage, and even saved a life once. But never once has someone dropped their dentures down my shirt.

Ew.

---

For some reason the news about the nuns getting convicted of property damage just struck me as funny.

I know that George believes he's guided by the voice of god to bomb the hell out of Iraq in an effort to liberate it's citizens and directed to do any number of ridiculous things in His name. However, nuns are likely higher up the jeebus food chain than poor little George. I mean, they're supposed to be, technically speaking now, married to god, right? So if the nuns say that they were "compelled to act as war with Iraq moved closer and because the United States has never promised not to use nuclear weapons," well, if I were of a mind to believe in god and jeebus and all that, I'd have to back the nuns.

But hey, I'm just a layperson [heh, she said layperson] -- I leave all the sorting out of pesky religious issues to the professionals.

---

Yeah, so the media is reporting that Hussein and sons might be dead. You know, because there was a target of opportunity according to "sources." I wonder if these are the same sources who informed them of that target of opportunity at the beginning of the invasion. Remember that? When it was thought Hussein and sons might be dead?

And, what do you know, something that might be a chemical weapon was found. Or it might be dry cleaning fluid or explosives, like the last couple of times the media reported that something might be a chemical weapon.

I don't know about you, but I'm so fucking tired of hearing about possible scenarios. I'm ready for some actual facts. I don't want to hear that we've invaded a country because they might sell weapons to those that would attack the U.S., or that war protestors can be shot at with rubber bullets because they might get violent. I want someone to give me some cold, hard factual evidence of something. Anything!

The U.S. media is sugarcoating and twisting this whole thing. Protestors and those who question what's going on are bad, bad people. But the invasion of Iraq is good and Iraqi citizens love us. Footage of the Iraqi civilians who have been killed or maimed aren't shown here for fear that it might make U.S. citizens uncomfortable to know what this war [or any war, for that matter] is doing to people.

Give me the actual facts. I'm a big girl now, I can handle the truth.

---

Speaking of the ten commandments, I'm deeply sorry to announce that the Ten Commandments Project has run out of money. I know it comes as a big shock to those of you who were hard at work memorizing so you could get that $10.00.

For those of you unfamiliar with this fabulous organization, they bribe encourage kids to learn the ten commandments. Seriously, a kid reads off his hand memorizes the ten commandments, forges gets his pastor or teacher to sign an affidavit, mails it back to the Ten Commandments Project, and then receives a check for $10 in the mail as a reward for being a good Christian.

Heh. Is it just me, or am I the only one picturing some guy from Newark, NJ sitting in house right now with a stack of affidavits, a bevy of P.O. box numbers, and $75,000 pilfered from TCP? If, by some strange coincidence, the money actually went to kids [rather than some smart conman with a pen], I'd like to run a followup poll to see if any of them can remember the commandments.

I think they underestimate a child's natural greed, don't you?

Think about all the crap you did as a kid for allowance money. I shovelled snow from 60 feet of driveway at least two dozen times each winter just so I would get my measly allowance of $5.00. I cleaned the entire house on a weekly basis, washed the car, took the garbage out, cleaned the pool, ran errands -- all for $5.00 in allowance every week.

As longtime readers know, I've done worse things for money since then.

If someone gave me the opportunity to earn $10 just for memorizing a couple of a lines, hell, yes -- let me at it. Memorizing stuff is easy, and then you forget about it the next day. For anyone who disputes this, I triple dog dare you to tell me how to conjugate a verb in whatever foreign language you took in high school. And then tell me how to diagram this sentence.

This part of the article just cracked me up:

The ministry was born out of disgust after a part-time cook murdered seven workers at three Tennessee restaurants in 1997. Kelley and his wife, Marion, both Presbyterians, saw the crimes as a sign that young people did not understand right from wrong.

They started the project with help from friends, feeling that children who memorized the Ten Commandments perhaps would think about them when tempted to lie, steal or engage in other wrongdoing.

OK, so you've memorized the ten commandments to get your $10.00, but you lack the sense of right and wrong and you lack impulse control. You get really pissed off and decide to kill someone, but at the last minute you remember that god or jeebus [or whoever] says that killing is wrong. Something tells me that the $10 you earned wasn't particularly well spent by the TCP.

It's just a "fun with the religious right" kind of day around here. Hey, maybe little George will fund this fabulous group through his faith-based initiative project. I can't think of a better way to spend taxpayer money.

---

Yeah, so, Eddie Vedder. Not really a middle of the road, sitting on the fence kind of guy. He and the rest of the guys in Pearl Jam have causes and political beliefs. They played the Tibetan Freedom Festival, a lot of their songs hold political expression, they did the whole thing with Ticketmaster a while back. All of them have something to say and have never been afraid to say it and have conviction.

And that's why I find it so hysterically funny that a dozen or so fans got so steamed when Vedder condemned the "President".

During the show, Vedder said: "Just to clarify... we support the troops."

"We're just confused on how wanting to bring them back safely all of a sudden becomes non-support," he said. "We love them. They're not the ones who make the foreign policy .... Let's hope for the best and speak our opinions."

Apparently that's just a little too much freedom of speech for some of the blockheads at the concert. It's not that I think a celebrity with an opinion is a special thing -- their opinion doesn't matter anymore than mine, and their points of view aren't any more informed than my own, but they have a right to say what they want, whether they think Bush is the antichrist or think Clinton was a disgrace.

What really cracks me up is that the media is reporting this like half the audience got up and walked out. In comparison to the size of the crowd, that's a handful of people. Let's get a grip on reality.

The good thing is that, since the majority of Pearl Jam fans are not wheat chewing, overall wearing, tractor driving, god fearing yokels, they won't be coerced into issuing an apology, like the Dixie Chicks, in hopes of retaining their fan base.

It fills me with no small amount of glee to imagine all the uber-patriots gnashing their teeth this morning, trying to find a way to justify their blind purchase of the entire party line, finding ways to lock everyone up who doesn't agree with them.

Gosh, so much to think about - Eddie Vedder and John Kerry in the same day, saying similar things about little George. Feral far right teeth must be worn down to little tiny nubs by now! Heh.

---

If I believed in god and jeebus and thought The Bible is the truth, I'd be looking out for brimstone and locusts any time now....

• earthquakes
  
• landslides
  
• World War IV and other insanity
  
• mystery viruses and rampant disease
  
• children running amok

Get out the hip waders, yo.

---

Please note:Friday, April 11 is Bloggers for Peace Day.
Please click here for more details.
[Link found via KD]

...we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog...

Edwin Starr died of a heart attack yesterday. I have always loved the song War, and Starr sang some other great songs too. I don't have much to say -- I'm just kind of sad, and wish that we had learned something from the time period when War was released. Unfortunately, over 30 years later we still haven't learned a thing about conflict resolution.

Here are my main questions:

• If it's not OK for the dictator of a country to kill his own people, why is it perfectly OK for U.S. troops to kill those same people?
  
• If it's acceptable for U.S. troops to kill foreign troops and civilians, why is everyone outraged when U.S. trooops are killed by them? No one wants death, but what makes one life so much more important than another?
  
• Why is it OK to spend billions of dollars on a foreign war/rebuilding of war-torn country after the fact when there are thousands of programs in the U.S. that desparately need funding [i.e., domestic abuse, programs to insure those without insurance, literacy programs, welfare programs, etc.]?

If someone can explain that to me [and explain it without calling me names, acting like a smacked ass, or trying to blow smoke up my ass] I might change my mind about war, in general.

War [Edwin Starr]

Oh no-there's got to be a better way
Say it again
There's got to be a better way-yeah
What is it good for?
War has caused unrest
Among the younger generation
Induction then destruction
Who wants to die?
War-huh
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing
Say it again
War-huh
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing
Yeah
War-I despise
'Cos it means destruction
Of innocent lives
War means tears
To thousands of mothers how
When their sons go off to fight
And lose their lives
I said
War-huh
It's an enemy of all mankind
No point of war
'Cos you're a man
Give it to me one time-now
Give it to me one time-now
War has shattered
Many young men's dreams
We've got no place for it today
They say we must fight to keep our freedom
But Lord, there's just got to be a better way
It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker
War
Friend only to the undertaker
War
War
War-Good God, now
Now
Give it to me one time now
Now now
What is it good for?

---

Imagine that you are one of these crazy terrorists hell bent on jihad against the U.S. Now imagine that you've decided to make some symbolic strikes in Philadelphia, and you want to blow up Independence Hall. Chestnut Street in front of Independence Hall was closed by the administration a while ago to thwart terrorism, but there are two streets that pass within feet of the sides of the building and the park behind the Hall is open.

Does shutting down Chestnut Street in front of the Hall really make a bit of difference to warding off an attack on the historic building?

No.

And that's why Mayor Street is re-opening the street against the advice of Homeland Security. Of course, the Parks Service promptly announced that they plan to close Independence Hall if Chestnut Street is re-opened.

To be honest, I rarely agree with the decisions that Mayor Street makes, but I fully support his decision to re-open the street in front of the Hall. It's a shithole down there right now anyway with the Constitution Center construction, and the ugly way Chestnut was blocked off only made it worse. With the sorry state of the economy and people being worried about being killed in an attack, Philadelphia is lucky to get any tourists at all. If some Midwestern couple comes in and wants to see Independence Hall, why make it hard for them to do so, especially since the preventative measures taken to ensure safety are hardly effective.

There's just not much you can do to protect landmarks from attacks. Security here in the U.S. is a joke -- the safety precautions here are usually overblown and under-effective. In Europe the methods of security are much better [at least in London and Paris...I can't really speak to the rest of the Europe!] -- at major landmarks and museums you go through metal detectors and someone searches your bags.

I think the only places in Philly that have metal detector and search security are the public schools.

I know that metal detectors and hand searches don't necessarily ensure safety. There's always a way around it. But it's better than the fake sense of safety blocking off streets gives people.

This all comes back to people being manipulated into fear. Sure, there's a possibility of another terrorist attack, now more than ever since the invasion of Iraq. But people have this idea that if they just make security tighter, round up all the dusky foreigners, and replace any countries' government that we don't like that it'll all be alright. And until then it's OK to be scared. I say it's not OK to be scared. Live your life...have at it. If you're going to die, there's nothing you can do about it...so enjoy life.

---

One of things that makes me sick about war --any war-- is what it does to soldiers. I just read an article about the war in Iraq that raised the little hairs on my arms and back of my neck. With this new "shoot at anything that moves" directive, Iraqis are being mowed down indiscrimately.

This was not the only family who had taken what they thought was a last chance for safety. A father, baby girl and boy lay in a shallow grave. On the bridge itself a dead Iraqi civilian lay next to the carcass of a donkey.

As I walked away, Lieutenant Matt Martin, whose third child, Isabella, was born while he was on board ship en route to the Gulf, appeared beside me.

"Did you see all that?" he asked, his eyes filled with tears. "Did you see that little baby girl? I carried her body and buried it as best I could but I had no time. It really gets to me to see children being killed like this, but we had no choice."

Martin's distress was in contrast to the bitter satisfaction of some of his fellow marines as they surveyed the scene. "The Iraqis are sick people and we are the chemotherapy," said Corporal Ryan Dupre. "I am starting to hate this country. Wait till I get hold of a friggin' Iraqi. No, I won't get hold of one. I'll just kill him."

Yes, this is obviously about freeing the Iraqis. The troops have already been taught to hate them...all of them. I've often wondered how many Iraqis will be left to enjoy their "liberation" and if they'll be happy to have been freed at the cost of the lives of their relatives, the loss of their homes and jobs.

I've been accused of only thinking about myself, of sitting in my comfy home and taking my freedom for granted and not caring if the Iraqis are free. Everyone in the world should have the same rights and priveleges that I do. I think it's a sweet idea that this war is really about liberating an oppressed group of people, but it's bullshit. It's a fairytale handfed to those scared into submission. I say "scared," because I truly believe the majority of those who are pro-war have been scarred by what happened on Sept. 11th [and almost everyone in the U.S. was traumatized by it], and have been manipulated into believing that if the U.S. doesn't invade Iraq, it will most certainly happen again. And people are frightened enough by the threat to say, 'Yes, I want my security -- at any cost.'

And now U.S. soldiers are becoming murderers. Before you shoot off an angry email to me, I support the military and I know that civilian casualties are unavoidable. But I think back to the behavior of the troops during Vietnam. Companies used to have competitions to see who could rack up more enemy kills -- it didn't really matter if they were civilians or innocently going about their business. War changes people. It makes them vicious and they lose their humanity.

How else can you explain Corporal Dupre's quote in the article? I'd like to think that he's a normal person when he's not part of an invading army. He's probably a nice guy who loves puppies. Now he's hell bent on killing any Iraqi who crosses his path.

We haven't gotten rid of Saddam Hussein, we've replaced him. Maybe the methods aren't as ghastly [I haven't seen reports of our troops shredding anyone in a grinder], but they're just as effective. Dead is dead.

[article link via Somewhere in the Digital Forest]

---

If you're pro-peace and have something good to add or just want a haven of refuge from the squeaky wheels, make a stop over at Blogs Against War.

I'd love to see a few of the pieces submitted for Carnival of the Vanities!

---

I must admit that I'm a little puzzled over the firing of Peter Arnett. If it's in his contract that he isn't allowed to give interviews to "enemy" television, I could understand. And it's not like he said anything that isn't true. The war hasn't been going as planned because Iraqis are putting up a fight. It's been reported in the Washington Post and elsewhere that Rumsfeld ordered less troops then the Pentagon recommended, and that has had an adverse affect on the war.

Is it now against company policy to say anything negative about the war?

And I find it even more puzzling that anyone would call his remarks "Kafkaesque." What does that even mean?

---

A big thank you to Solonor for his appreciation of boobies -- that's right, he's my third Race sponsor! Someone gave him 3 to 1 odds on me winning the race. I think that's a suckers bet, but I will run like the wind...or at least run like a mild breeze. Whatever, there'll be movement involved.

Also, The Homeless Guy has an interesting explanation of why we're at war with Iraq. It's slightly different from any other reasoning I've seen to date, so be sure to go visit and give it a read.

---

Maxspeak has got an interested debate going on. This is the issue -- for those of you who are pro-war because you are interested in liberating the Iraqi citizenry, "how many deaths suffered by the people slated for liberation would signal the failure, for you, of the enterprise?"

It's an interesting question.

---

As someone who works for a large-ish non-profit agency, I know the lunacy of being given a project and told to make it so without a budget. That's what non-profits are -- you raise the money to give to other people or fund programs that help other people, and keep only enough to pay your staff and bills [in theory, anyway]. But if you've got something extra going on, you've got to beg, borrow, or steal to make it work.

United Way of Tampa Bay is a very large agency in that particular region, but it doesn't mean they have any more money than the rest of the non-profit world. Getting Susan Sarandon to appear at an event to foster volunteerism was probably a huge deal for them. I know their donor base has to be huge in comparison to the three dozen complaint calls that the UW received about her. Since when have non-profit agencies had the luxury of turning away support?

The UW of Tampa Bay rep says, "The focus of our whole meeting had shifted to whether or not we were creating a political platform for Susan Sarandon...That is not our purpose. That's not what we're about."

That's quite possibly the dumbest thing I've heard anyone say. I'm sure, if requested, Sarandon would have kept her remarks concerning the U.S. led invasion of Iraq to a minimum. I've worked with celebrities for events where they volunteer their time. They volunteer their time because they care deeply about your cause [or their publicist thinks they should]. The last thing they want to do is bring controversy to your agency.

But I'm sure I know what happened. A couple of million dollar donors [read: old white guys] called up and threatened to take their money elsewhere. The remainder of those calls were probably made up of people who a] don't give to the UW at all, or b] give a gift of $10.00 and think that entitles them to a hand in the decision-making. That's the way it works, even at my agency. We ran some ads a few years ago that people found objectionable -- 98% of the complaint calls came from non-donors. You better ante up some cash if you want a non-profit to listen to what you have to say when you complain.

I know there are pro-war types all over the place rubbing their hands gleefully together, thinking they've won some sort of prize because another celebrity is being denied a chance to publicly denounce the war. Yeah, Sarandon certainly did say a mouthful at the Academy Awards, didn't she? That peace sign she flashed sure was menacing and controversial.

Just as a general aside, I think it's hilarious whenever a UW claims that it doesn't have ties to political agendas. That's bullshit. Let's take, for example, their continued funding of the Boy Scouts of America. The Boy Scouts teach kids that it's OK to discriminate against those that are different from them, by banning homosexuals and atheists from serving as troop masters [or whatever they're called]. And here in Philadelphia, the local UW is partnered with the Catholic diocese and, as part of their agreement with the church, refuses to fund any agency that disseminates birth control or counsels people about birth choices. Planned Parenthood doesn't receive any money from the local UW. Find out who your local UW gives to before you send them any money -- there are lots of politics involved. Of course, the same can be said of any non-profit agency. Be informed before you give, and never give over the phone via a solicitation call and never give a donation to someone coming door to door.

---

Just so I can get this straight...

• Serving our country in the military is patriotic
  
• Not supporting the U.S. led invasion of Iraq is unpatriotic

Right?

So what does that makes this fine group of men and women?

[link found via KD]

---

I'm normally not a real big fan of quizzes, but this one caught my attention.

[link found via While Seated]

---

There are many reasons that I have chosen not to support a U.S. led full-on invasion of Iraq. I've talked about my reasons over the last few weeks, and I don't have much more to say on the matter. Craig and I were discussing it last night. Both of us can agree that Hussein and his family need to go and both of us support the troops, but that's about all we agree on. I told him that it seemed unnecessary to lay waste to entire country just to take out a dozen people. Craig looked at me like I was crazy and said, "But they're not 'laying waste to an entire country.' Bush and Rumsfeld said that civilian targets were being avoided."

I went into hysterical giggles. "Do you believe everything you hear on television? Have you seen the footage of the bombings going on in Iraq right now? Who do you think is underneath those bombs? I can assure you that it's not just Iraqi military." Craig gave me the evil eye and didn't say anything.

I'm sending him this article today. Maybe then he can tell me that the "collateral damage" is minimal.

This whole thing is sickening.

---

I've had some strange teachers over the years. My 9th grade Latin teacher used to pelt us with erasers if he was pissed off, and once threw slices of bread at us while trying to get us all to remember the Latin word for bread.

My 11th grade French teacher had a big dent in his head because a few years earlier he had an affair with a student, she dumped him, and then he shot himself in the head and didn't get it right.

One of my college English lit. instructors was an older woman who favored short skirts but refused to wear underwear.

But, despite the fact that I grew up in Podunk Central, none of my teachers ever spontaneously demonstrated the finer techniques of skinning a dead animal found by the roadside. And I certainly never had to seek medical attention from a demonstration of anything, although I did once severely burn the tips of all my fingers during Chemistry class.

Damn bunsen burner.

---

Robert Frost was born today in 1874. He died in 1963. In celebration of Frost, I'd like to share a poem of his with you. It's Frost contemplating war-related issues.

The Sound Of Trees

I wonder about the trees:
Why do we wish to bear
Forever the noise of these
More than another noise
So close to our dwelling place?
We suffer them by the day
Till we lose all measure of pace
And fixity in our joys,
And acquire a listening air.
They are that that talks of going
But never gets away;
And that talks no less for knowing,
As it grows wiser and older,
That now it means to stay.
My feet tug at the floor
And my head sways to my shoulder
Sometimes when I watch trees sway
From the window or the door.
I shall set forth for somewhere,
I shall make the reckless choice,
Some day when they are in voice
And tossing so as to scare
The white clouds over them on.
I shall have less to say,
But I shall be gone.

---

So, I'm aware that there's nothing funny about animals getting hurt, OK? That said, I just about peed myself laughing when I read this:

Experts say a reported UFO sighting in Norway was probably an electrocuted cat.

People in Lardal reported seeing a fire ball explode in the night sky and fall slowly down to earth.

But investigators think they've solved the mystery after the charred body of a cat was found at the foot of an electrical mast.

They believe the unlucky cat climbed up the mast and touched a live wire, reports Aftenposten.

Lars Helge Sogn says what people saw was the cat exploding and falling off the mast.

Just read it again. Now sit down, close your eyes, and visualize the whole thing.

Repeat until you are laughing so hard tears are running down your face.

---

I starting watching the Miss USA pageant last night. Craig tells me that Miss USA is the trashy equivalent of Miss America. Some of the contestants appeared to be drag queens or, at the very least, pre-op transsexuals. One contestant was hovering somewhere in her mid-50s. Several of them looked like wind up toys.

Daisy Fuentes must not be able to get any kind of work at all. And Billy Bush? Don't even get me started. Maybe he's doing all the work he can before his family is run out of the country by farmers with pitchforks.

And then, my favorite part of the proceedings:

"We'd like to dedicate tonight's pageant to the U.S. military."

Give me a fucking break. Sure, it's a nice sentiment, but I'm sure they were just hoping no one made a big stink about the show going on despite the war, like the Academy Awards.

Craig and I watched the evening gown part of the competition, cheering on each contestant to trip and take a header into the reflecting pools located on the stage. Craig declared that he would gladly give a testicle to see it happen. As far as I know, no one fell or tripped or anything. I saw "as far as I know" because I was forced to change the channel after Miss Louisiana USA told us all that if she won she would push for religion to be re-instituted in our school system, because "that's when all the violence started."

Yes, there wasn't any violence at all until school-sponsored prayers and bible-reading were ruled against in 1962. And after that, all hell broke loose. Poor Miss Louisiana USA. I feel like patting her on the head like a little mentally challenged girl and sending her off with a cookie for her troubles.

---

An old boyfriend of mine [Dan] once spent a summer somewhere in Asia with his family while his dad was doing computer work there for the government. He told me a story that, to this day, curls my toes in horror.

They had a cook who was local. One day they sat down to a meal of some sort of meat. No one in the family could identify just what the meat was, but [being that they didn't want to insult the cook] didn't ask and just ate it. Dan told me that it was different, but not bad.

After the meal was over, Dan's dad complimented the cook and asked her if the meal was a local delicacy, that he'd never had anything like it before.

The cook smiled, thanked Dan's dad, and explained that it was cockroach.

See, toes curled in horror.

Since the Philadelphia area is known for it's scrapple, people around here don't seem to be too picky about what they ingest. I always kind of thought people would draw the line at eating roaches, though. Apparently, I am dead wrong.

And even worse,

In addition to Jungle Jim's cockroach act Saturday, the night is billed as Mullet Night. Anyone with a mullet hairstyle who reports to the box office one hour before game time may purchase a ticket for the reduced price of $10.

Things are gonna get ugly.

---

I'd like to think that I'm not a crazy insane jealous bitch. That said, if I walked into the house and found Craig frolicking with three chicks, I might go insane too.

On a different note, I'm impressed that a 51 year old woman can still take on three guys at once. She must have outrageous stamina. Her boyfriend [or, ex-boyfriend, as the case may be] is 13 years younger than her...I wonder if her harem were younger too?

I will admit that I harbor Mrs. Robinson-type fantasies. No, I'm not going to share with the class.

---

Is it my imagination, or did I read something over the weekend about there being an anti-war rally in Afghanistan?

Considering the U.S. "liberated" Afghani citizens from their oppressive regime, what does that say about this whole attitude that Iraqi citizens are going to embrace the American soldiers with open arms?

I know that there's been footage of liberated Iraqis being all thrilled and grateful to the U.S. troops when the media points a camera at them, but there has also been media coverage to the contrary.

Craig and I were discussing this over the weekend. I wondered if these happy Iraqis were doing what has always been expected of them: act happy to see whoever is in charge and vilify whoever they're told to vilify. I mean, you can't expect people to be able to turn off a learned behavior overnight, right? Salam talked last month about how Iraqi citizens are rounded up for protests, etc. It's interesting reading.

Sure, I'd like to think that Iraqis are super happy to see U.S. forces rolling their way, overjoyed to be liberated. But the cynic in me sees the protest in Afghanistan and wonders.

---

So Craig and I just returned from a fun jaunt to the grocery store. I'm standing in the produce aisle picking out shallots, when I happen to overhear the store employee who is stocking something in the aisle talking to a friend of his who has come in and stopped to chat. You know me, I just can't control my impulse to eavesdrop!

Employee: People are just crazy. I got a call from some woman the other day, complaining that we stock French food. You know what she was complaining about? French's mustard. French's mustard! I said to her, "Lady, I can't rename an entire company so you can feel more American." She says to me, "Well, maybe I won't shop there then." I says, "Be my guest." Can you believe that shit?

So I ask you -- is this proof that the "be a better American through blindly boycotting only one of the many countries who doesn't support the war" rhetoric is making people into fucking morons? Is this a case of an overzealous freak out to prove that she's an uber-patriot? Does she refuse to eat french bread that's made in America, just because? Can you imagine what her house must look like? Does she have a burning effigy of the Eiffel Tower burning in her front yard? Does she have fleur de lis wallpaper with little X's through the fleur de lis? Has she mangled all of her French antiques?

I'm picturing a suspicious looking woman in velcro curlers, a housecoat, and slippers who is in love with Rush Limbaugh.

---

So, I was just thinking about this whole brou-ha-ha over the Academy Awards. Will I be branded a traitor if I attend an Academy Awards party? I mean, it's not like I'll be at the actual awards ceremony or anything, and I won't be wearing high heels. I know true patriots everywhere expect celebrities to stop going about their normal routines, but what about the rest of us common folk? Is it OK if I do something like, let's say, clean my toilet, or is that showing disrespect for the military?

Or maybe just events that celebrate stuff are considered too frivolous to carry on with during the war. Should my friend cancel her wedding if the war doesn't end by then? I mean, weddings are sort of like the Academy Awards in a strange way....aside from being televised, that is. People are wearing gowns, people make speeches, people party. Too much levity in the midst of a war?

Just checking...

*please note: this entry written with writers tongue firmly planted in cheek. Do not panic.*

---

Just a couple of things:

1. Enough with the French bashing already. I understand that a particular breed of Americans has bought into this idea that the French people and the French government are just bad, bad, bad. I know that people like to claim that without the U.S. the French would be speaking German right now. Well, blah blah blah. Without the French we'd be having high tea in the afternoon, how about that? At least Chirac has the decency to listen to what his citizens have to say. So piss off.
   
2. I hate the rhetoric that answers the question "What is war good for?" by saying it ended slavery, Nazism, Communism, and whatever else. Guess what? All those things still exist. So piss off.
   
3. I'm sorry you don't like that there are still protestors making their voices heard. But guess what? You don't make the rules -- we all have the right to be heard, regardless of whether the war has started or not. It's a basic right promised to us as Americans: the right to free speech. So bitch all you want, because that's your right. But piss off anyway. Mind your fucking business.
   
4. Boo-fucking-hoo that the Academy Awards are still going on. Going on with the show doesn't disrespect the military or downplay the fact that there's a war going on. There's no fucking way to win with you people -- if they have the show, it's a slap in the face to the soldiers, and if the show doesn't go on the damn stars are self-important twits. Piss off. Watch another fucking channel. I understand CNN is all war, all the time. Watch that so you can see all the people dying. It's what you want, isn't it? For us all to be glued to the set, wringing our fucking hands in despair?
   
5. I'm sick of people trying to pretend that this all about helping the Iraqis. It's not -- accept it. It might be a little bit about trying to liberate the people of an oppressed regime, but it's mostly for economic reasons. So piss off.
   
6. Helen Thomas is not a fucking twit. She hasn't kept her position in the press corp for this long without learning a thing or two. Just because she asks questions that you don't like and the administration doesn't know how to answer does not make her a fucking idiot. Pay attention, bozo. And piss off.
   
7. For those of you who think that anti-war rallies are a waste of time, thanks -- we already know that. We know that no one is paying attention to those of us who just want peace. I'm glad you think that holding rallies to encourage Saddam and co. to step down, go into exile, etc. would have helped more. I'm sure that you organized such a rally or attended such a rally, you magnanimous fuck. Piss off.
   
8. I'm glad it makes you feel safer know that the U.S. is hunting a bad guy. Really, I do. I just wish you hadn't bought into the fear being propagated. Personally, I feel more at risk now. But hey, I hope you're the one who is right in this argument. But you know what? Piss off anyway for falling victim to the manipulation.

There. I've degenerated into the name calling, and viciousness and outright malicious behavior that I've been seeing all of the fucking place. I'm so sick of it all.

---

So I leave the optometrist office and I'm walking down 17th Street. I can't see very well since I just had my eyes dialated and it's taking all of my concentration not to fall down. I'm make it as far as Chestnut Street when I notice that there are several helicopters hovering over the vicinity of my building.

Motherfucker. What now?

I carefully make my way toward the building, hoping that when I get back the building is still there. No one around me seems very concerned so I relax a little. Traffic is moving, and that's always a good sign.

I get to my street, half expecting armeggedon, only to find the street eerily deserted with the exception of just about five dozen police cars, about half of which have their lights on.

I stand there on the corner, completely befuddled. I picked the wrong fucking day for a pupil dialation.

I reach the door of my building, and out walks this lucky bastard whose last day is today. "Rob," I say. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Patchouli stink motherfuckers," he spits out.

Apparently we've both been watching High Fidelity.

"There's an anti-war rally," he explained.

I look around at the empty street. "Really? Where are they?" I asked.

"I don't know. There was a group of about 20 fucking art school students skipping school who came through here about 10 minutes ago. I think they ended up at Love Park."

"So, what? Does the police force have a new policy -- one cop per protestor or something?" I mused. "The whole fucking battalion is out for 20 kids?"

---

I've seen some good stage shows over the years. Nine Inch Nails [OK, just Trent] always puts on a good show. The Rollins Band always has a certain intensity during shows that make them fun to watch. I almost got killed during a Beasties show, but it will still one of the better performances I've seen. Gwar is the mother of entertaining shows, though. I love the props and the fake blood and just the silliness of it all.

With the recent club and show tragedies, it's important to make sure that you're going to be safe at a show. For me, that means a pair of steel-toed Doc Martins, no jewelry, and making friends with the closest security goombah. I suppose nothing can prepare you, however, for having your skull fractured by a rogue sheep head.

I don't know the band, Mayhem. I'm sure they're just as delightful as any death metal band currently touring. That said, their stage show sounds a bit, um, disgusting. Cutting up a real dead sheep on stage? Is their music so bad you have to distract from the high-pitched yodelling by fascinating death metal fans with your carving skills? I mean, that's sort of the whole idea behind Gwar [aside from the fact that it's kind of a big joke].

What is really killing me is the name of the lead singer. He's got a perfectly good "rock god" type of name: Rune Eriksen. But he feels the need to call himself "Blasphemer." Are you picturing the same thing I am? A bunch of arrogant, self-flagellating, big-haired, spandex wearing, self-important fucks who wear capes and think they're vampires?

Yeah, the 1980s are over.

---

I'm so fucking sick of hearing about this speculation that Saddam's address to the Iraqi people was taped or faked or whatever. "But where are Saddam and his sons?" one idiotic news reporter just asked.

Well, fuck. Where do you think he is? He's fucking hiding, you asshat.

I don't really remember the last Gulf War too much. I was a freshman in college, and I spent my time avoiding the real world. But Craig tells me that he was pretty scarce and un-findable at that time too. What makes people think that he's going to stand up in the middle the street and yell, "Here I am, you crazy army guys! Come and get me!" and then give a little hop and scamper away?

Really, I'm just tired of the news coverage. And I know that if there was none I'd be really suspicious. I just want the war to end. Right now. Since the government felt the need to do this, let's just fucking end it. 14 people dead [or however many have died] are 14 too many.

I have a proposal. I recently read a book wherein all current male world leaders were relieved of duty. In fact, the whole world was sort of turned over to women because the men had fucked it up so badly. While I'm not going to go so far as to say that we need to have a estrogen-led world, I think it's a great idea to just depose of all the world leaders and all the parliaments and senates and everyone currently in any position of power. Then every country gets governed by a council of rational people. We get rid of all the weapons. I'm talking ALL the weapons -- hand guns, bombs, crossbows, whatever. Then just fucking kill anyone who has a criminal impulse and just start the hell over.

Everyone would be friends and it would be a big fucking koombayah world.

Can you tell I'm just a little frustrated?

---

So does anyone else find both the creepy humor and sheer insanity of Supreme Court Justice Scalia banning broadcast media from his speech Wednesday at an appearance where he received an award for supporting free speech?

Something is awry.

I'm also fucking frightened beyond belief at this little gem of a quote from Justice Scalia Scalia from a speech he made at John Carroll University:

He talked mostly about the constitutional protection of religions, but also said that government has room to scale back individual rights during wartime without violating the Constitution.

"The Constitution just sets minimums," Scalia said. "Most of the rights that you enjoy go way beyond what the Constitution requires."

Oh goody! So when I'm sitting in prison with no access to a lawyer and no hope of being sprung ever because I'm not buying into the propaganda, I you can send your letters of outrage to Justice Scalia.

I'm feeling slightly ill just now.

---

When we say "War is over if you want it,"
we mean that if everyone demanded peace
instead of another TV set, we'd have peace.
-John Lennon

Peace is a funny thing.

Miss America contestants always say they want world peace during the interview portion. The pro-war people say all they want is peace, too. Sometimes I think my view of peace and someone else's view of peace are two completely different things.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to learn to live together and if we are to live together we have to talk." This is what scares me about going to war. It just means that the talking has stopped. I don't even want to think about what that could mean.

Some will say that we talked for 12 years, that the time for talking is over. The reality is that for 12 years we levied sanctions against Iraq that did nothing to hurt it's leadership. Instead, it made the people of Iraq rely on it's leadership just to survive. Was anyone talking during those 12 years, or just hoping to starve Iraq out of existence?

And now the U.S. has taken it upon itself to invade Iraq. Not because Iraq attacked another country first and we're trying to help out. And not because Iraq threatened the U.S. It's because we're all scared that we sold Iraq weaponry years ago and now they might sell these weapons to someone who might attack the U.S. again. I love being an American, but I am ashamed that our government sold them these weapons to begin with, and that we have to hide behind the rhetoric of "liberating" the Iraqi people in order to rectify the situation.

I've heard people speculate that Iraqi citizens must be overjoyed that they're finally going to have the chance to be free and live in a democratic society. Don't fool yourself. Do you think Salam is going to hug the soldier who blew up his house and killed a family member or a dear friend? I can say with relative certainty that I would not be quite so happy to be "liberated" if it meant destroying everything I love. Gandhi had it right: "What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?"

I've been labelled a traitor to my country [viciously and with much malice] for not wanting innocent people to die. I've been called scum because I happen to agree with 3/4 of the rest of the world. I've been called unpatriotic and un-American because I don't blindly support what the President is doing. I've been told that by not supporting the war, I'm not supporting the U.S. military. Just like people say, "don't hate the player, hate the game," I say the same -- I support the military, just not their particular mission.

And you may say, "Well, Ms. Smartypants, if you think we shouldn't be invading Iraq to remove Saddam, then what should we be doing? Tell me the answer, eh!" I don't have the answer. I'm not trained in diplomacy. But if you're going to tell me that we can make a cell phone the size of a dime but can't take out a couple of guys in Iraq without laying waste to the country, I think you're full of shit. I'm not opposed to assassinating Saddam, I'm really not. But I am opposed to killing an entire town of innocent people to get to him.

And you may say, "Hey, I saw you at a peace rally. You should have been at a rally telling Saddam to disarm instead!" Yes, because I'm sure Saddam Hussein watches the local Philadelphia news, would have seen such a rally, smacked himself in the forehead and said, "By George, what have I been thinking all these years?" You say I'm unrealistic for supporting peace, but I think it's just as unrealistic of you to assume that any rally urging Saddam to go into exile would be just the ticket.

Hi, my name is Nicole and I would like peace.

---

Oh crap....it's a "Special Report."

It looks like things are ramping up.

My thoughts go out to Salam tonight. I hope that he and his family and friends, and indeed all Iraqi citizens, can stay safe while this insanity is going on around them.

For those of you who are pro-war, I urge you to read Salam's blog. Perhaps it will give you some insight into what it's like to live in Iraq and to be facing having your home attacked. Maybe it won't move you. Maybe it will just make your resolve that war is just all the stronger. Whatever...just give it a read.

---

You know, with all the crazy talk going on -- pro-war kids calling all of us pro-peace kids traitorous pussies, pro-peace kids calling all of you pro-war kids murderous brainless twits -- things can get nasty quickly. Michelle talks about losing friends over the whole thing, which I find crazy. If you can't debate the different viewpoints of this whole thing without turning into yappy little nippy dogs, then you need help.

Now I have been guilty of mild name-calling, but only when attacked first. I will defend myself from the endless parade of "Pro-peace=anti-American" propaganda coming from the right if I have to. But proof that we can behave honorably toward each other is right here -- I had a nice chat with Dana the other day over this whole mess. She told me how she feels and why, I told her how I feel and why. It was productive. And we ended it by agreeing to disagree.

And that's the way it should be. To quote Bill & Ted, "Be excellent to each other." This whole nightmare will be over, and I'm sure we'll all have other things to argue about. There's no need to get all crazy with the bashing.

Be excellent to each other!

---

Last night I had a dream that George Bush was in the movie Grease 2. Specifically, he was playing the part of Louis Dimucci in the "Do it for our Country" scene, and I was his girlfriend, Sharon.

When I woke up I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Because, really, that's perfect. In the scene Louis cons Sharon into a bomb shelter and then convinces her that "nuclyoid" war has started and he's going to have to go off and fight so she better have sex with him so he doesn't die a virgin. And in real life, George is giving us all this manipulative snowjob so he can get what he wants. I'm telling you, sometimes my subconscious is a genious.

So to celebrate my intense night life, I'm posting the lyrics:

America is calling, let's care enough to give our very best. For if we give our very best, I know that we will more than pass the test. If I could have three wishes, I'd wish that you'd live free, I'd wish for amber waves of grain from sea to shining sea.

Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue.
It's Uncle Sam who's asking, so your mother will approve.
Tomorrow I'll be fighting, and I'll win this war for you.
Let's do it for our country, our country wants us to.

Bullets are exploding, they'll soon be at the door,
Give something to America you never gave before.
Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue,
If the President were standin' here, I'm sure he would approve.
I'll be a mighty soldier before this night is through.
Let's do it for our country, our country wants us to.

(Spoken)
Just think about it -- it would be like as if we were doing it for the Statue of Liberty, or the Grand Canyon, or the New York Yankees... it would be like as if we were doing it for... Disneyland!

Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue,
It's not a lot to ask of us, our parents will approve.
Tomorrow I'll be fighting, and I'll win this war for you.
Let's do it for our country, (spoken) we owe it to our country.
Let's do it for our country, our country wants us to.

...Louis Dimucci, how could you?!

As for me, I have a wonderful, day long meeting on the wonders of project management. So don't talk about me too much while I'm gone.

---

I'm sure that when the war begins sometime Wednesday night/Thursday morning it will be all war-all the time on networks across our great media-frenzied land. With that in mind, why would the Academy Awards be postponed if [duh, when] war breaks out? Isn't anyone concerned for those of us who are sick of being depressed, wondering when we're about to die because the war has provoked a terrorist attack? Don't we need some relief from reality? Don't I need the comic relief from the Academy Awards fashion disaster display?

Or is it really that the Academy is afraid some film industry-aware terrorist is going to target a hall filled with celebrities? Maybe they can do like the government and send half the attendees to an undisclosed location for the broadcast. Because they're important enough to want to kill in the event of a war.

Sure.

---

The other day Craig and I are driving down Delaware Avenue and this hilarious billboard appeared before us. It's posted on I-95 right after the Girard Avenue exit. I almost fell out of the car, I was laughing so hard.

Just for starters, what purpose does this billboard serve? Does whomever is behind this huge waste of cash actually think Saddam Hussein is vacationing in Philadelphia right now, will see the ad, smack himself in the head, and yell "Eureka!"? Or is it more of a thing where Saddam's third cousin once removed goes to school here and will deliver this message back to him? Does the person who paid for this billboard to be put up actually think of him or herself as a peace ambassador?

Now sure, it would be nice if Hussein and his rugrats would go into exile. But mostly this billboard makes me point and laugh like Nelson Muntz -- what's with the action shot of Saddam? And the dove just ads the perfect touch of cheese.

If I were independently wealthy, I'd love to put up a billboard aimed at George. It would have an action shot of George and say, well, pretty much the same thing. 2004 can't come soon enough -- I'd give anything to have an adult elected to the Oval Office instead of Bomby McSmarmypants.

---

Remember that stupid apology from the Dixie Chicks?

Via Media Dystopia, what the apology should have said.

Heh.

---

I have to admit that I'm a little agitated today. Agitated, freaked out, scared. It's warm today, but I'm sitting here shivering with an-tici----PATION. That's making light of this whole thing, but really, I'm more than a little apprehensive about what this evening's prime time Bush terrah-palooza will bring.

No matter what is decided with regard to war, someone who shouldn't die is going to die. If the U.S. and allies attack Iraq, I shudder to think at how many innocent Iraqis and U.S. soldiers will die. There will be other deaths, thanks to retribution attacks. If the U.S. and allies don't invade Iraq, then what? You remember those weapons of mass destruction and chemical/biological weapons the U.S. sold to Iraq a dozen years ago? Yeah. No matter how you look at it, it's not good.

I just want to live long enough to see a world where no one feels the need to blow each other up. Now that the internet has made the world a smaller place, and we're so much more connected to one another, it's quite personal. Everytime I think of my government ordering an attack on Iraq, I worry for Salem, and I worry about Iranian Girl because her country could be next for little George. Everytime I hear of some horrible thing going down in Israel, I haunt Angua's journal until she posts again and I know she's OK.

I don't understand how anyone can think war is the right answer, especially now, but just in general. How can you get to know someone through their writing or however, and then be excited to bomb the crap out of their country?

I need a sweater.

---

I would like to know where U. of Penn's School of Veterinary Medicine found their test subjects for their goofy sweat study:

...researchers collected samples from the underarms of men who refrained from using deodorant for four weeks. The extracts were then blended and applied to the upper lips of 18 women, aged 25 to 45

Yeah, because smelly guys drive me wild with desire...and chicks rubbed with pit stank -- even hotter.

Although, really, the study doesn't point to an increase in sexual desire as a result of having the pit stank rubbed on you. Oh no, it points to a boost in your mood.

Uh huh...the putrid odor of sweaty glands always just perks me right up.

---

I'm a firm believer in standing behind your own words. Even if you say something so outlandishly stupid that it makes no sense to anyone but you, own it. The lead singer from the Dixie Chicks didn't even say anything that crazy last week. She just said what everyone else has been saying. She has every right to believe that President Bush is a bonehead, and disagree with all the illegal things he's doing. So why did she publicly apologize for what she said? Somehow I can't imagine Bush was crying in his cornflakes over her embarrassment of him.

I'm sure it was all about kissing the butts of their fans, most of whom seem to be freaking out that anyone dare criticize the President. The statement issued says that "whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect." You have to earn respect -- Bush and his administration have done nothing but over-react and try to strip away my rights. I have no respect for someone so anxious to put my life in jeopardy.

Of course, there's this whole issue with celebrities using their fame to make a statement for or against the war, and all manner of other issues. I readily admit that a lot of them make statements without knowing the full facts. For instance -- Rage Against the Machine is involved in the whole Free Mumia! movement, and then their fans decide to join in because if Rage thinks he's a political prisoner then it must be so. The fact is that Mumia is guilty as hell. There are witnesses. When interviewed, most people marching to Free Mumia! don't know who he killed, what city it happened in, or any details of the case at all. In these cases, I do wish celebrities would just shut the hell up.

But when it comes to something like being anti-war or pro-war, I don't mind celebrities speaking up as much. Granted, I don't think their opinions matter any more or less than my own. But I don't condemn them for making their views known. It's no different then me posting my thoughts about Bush and the war here on my blog, except that no one knows who the hell I am or cares who the hell I am.

---

By the way, to celebrate Eat an Animal for PETA Day I made sure to consume a couple of animals today.

I ate chicken for lunch and fish for dinner.

My name is Nicole and I eat meat. Those PETA freaks make my ass twitch.

---

Oh now, hold up!

If I had opened up my luggage after arriving Paris, or after having arrived back into Philadelphia and found a note in my luggage from a baggage handler -- about anything -- I would fly into a rage that would know no equal. And for one of those asshats to assume that being anti-war means being anti-American and having the nerve to leave a lovenote in there is the most unbelieveable thing I've heard today.

It's bad enough that we all have to leave our luggage unlocked now, leaving perverted buggage handlers and security people free to rummage through my fine washables and sniff the crotch of my undies if they so desire [among other, more disgusting things they could do in my luggage]. And now I have to worry about getting a nastygram in my luggage about my preference to oust Hussein from power without going to war?

I hope the baggage handler, or whoever left the note, gets fucking crucified for the incident. I hope the press grabs hold of this story and absolutely destroys him. I want to find out all the horrible things he's responsible for in his past. If he kicks puppies for fun in his spare time, I want to know about it. And then I want him to have to go through life being judged for it.

I don't know how many times I can explain my position to people who claim to be behind going to war because Hussein is a killer of his own people and a potential killer of other people, or people who claim to be pro-war because Hussein has been ignoring a UN resolution for the last umpteen years. They all seem to equate anti-war with anti-U.S., pro-Saddam, pro-terrorism, anti-U.S. troops instead of what it really is: pro-peace. The U.S. government is willing to ignore the UN and go to war because Hussein ignores the UN? What kind of sense is that? Is Hussein not killing his own people quickly enough that we have to go in with the largest bomb ever created so we can kill the people we're claiming to want to save?

If it's naive of me to believe that Hussein can be removed from power and/or disarmed without going to war and killing huge numbers of Iraqis and exposing U.S. troops to who knows what kind of biological weapons, than I choose to be naive. But don't you dare call me a traitor, or anti-American -- I will hunt you down and do bad things to you [and not in a good way].

---

Heh. Headline: Three Die Retrieving Phone from Latrine.

Am I the only one who immediately pictures Golgotha the shit demon from the movie Dogma? And then immediately thinks that the quality of life in Nairobi must be horrible if you need to brave a pit filled with sewage to earn $13?

---

I keep saying this, but every day brings something more ludicrous.

Now some crazed Florida Congresswoman is proposing that all GIs buried in France be dug up and brought back the U.S.. And she wants the government to pay for it.

Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite needs to have her fucking head examined.

If government suits want to get all frenzied about the French government not kissing the U.S. government's ass, there's nothing I can do to stop the madness [until the next election, anyway]. I can get all pissy about it and completely offended by the U.S. government's actions, but I can't do diddli-crap about it [although I'm wishing I would have bought several "Vive le France" tshirts while I was in Paris a couple of weeks ago] -- the only thing I can do is moan about it here, which I am.

However, to suggest that it's a good idea to have my tax dollars pay to have long-dead bodies dug up and transported back here is the most ludicrous idea I've ever heard. Here's a thought: only Spain, the UK, and one other country which I can't remember right now support the war, right? Well, why don't we just dig up every single American buried in every country except those three and ship their bodies home? For that matter, we'll force all countries who don't support the war to stop playing any sport that originated in the U.S. Even better yet, why don't we ban the usage of words from our vocabulary that have their roots in languages spoken by countries who don't support the war?

You know the French are just sitting back and laughing their asses off at us. Let me amend that: everyone in the world is pointing and laughing -- [Nelson Muntz mode] Ha ha [/Nelson Muntz mode]. Yeah, look at those idiotic Americans making asses out of themselves and not knowing their history! I have enough of a problem trying to convince Europeans who read this site that not all Americans are overweight asshats who can barely read without adding this stupidity to the mix.

The one bright spot in my day is politicians in Louisiana are refusing to buy into the French bashing rhetoric.

I swear, it's like we're all in the third grade or something.

---

I've been sort of intrigued by the idea of being a foster parent for the SPCA ever since I started reading Suzie's experiences with it. I've toyed with the idea, but I never really did anything about it. I guess I was always a little worried how Sassy would react, or how another animal would react to Sassy. I mean, 20 pounds of massive fur coming at you would be kind of scary, right?

But now the Pennsylvania SPCA [and others across the country, no doubt] is calling for foster parents specifically to babysit the pets of people being called to active duty until they return home. I may be against the war, but I'm certainly pro-U.S. troops and I think this is the perfect time for me to get involved in foster parenting.

Craig and I just had a brief discussion about it. He's all for trying it out. I might call the SPCA tomorrow to talk about it with someone, or we might run over there this weekend to chat.

I hope this works out for us -- I'd love to do some small part to help.

If you live in the Philadelphia area and want to get involved with the program, call 215-426-6300. Or call your local SPCA and ask them about their own programs.

---

How completely fucking stupid do you have to be to buy into all of this retarded "freedom" instead of "french" bullshit? It would have been nice if the smacked asses doing the renaming had actually done the research first.

French fries are really from Belgium. French toast was created in the U.S. in the 1700's and named after a cook whose last name was French.

Now French hotel chains are removing the French flag from the premises, just in case some crazy home grown terrorist tries to take them out for being French.

Let's get a grip. If people in the U.S. banned products from every country that didn't support the war we'd basically be living in cardboard boxes on street corners, completely naked, and probably starving. And we all know that it's never going to happen that way, because those same schmucks who are freedom kissing own big houses with lots of stuff in them and giving things up to make a point isn't their strong suit.

---

Every year my company forces us all to go to a seminar on sexual harrassment. And every year it interferes with something I have going on, and is a total pain in the ass. The HR department must have gotten sick of hearing me and everyone else complain about the bad timing of their lawsuit prevention classes, so they did things a little differently this year -- they signed everyone up for an online course.

Because it's a course on sexual harrassment I put it off as long as possible. I can't count the number of times I've been forced to sit through a course telling me what is and what isn't permissible in the workplace. Are there really that many changes in the law from year to year that I have to sit through the same crap again? But finally I just decided to complete the course this morning, even though it was supposed to take over an hour.

Ugh.

I finished in less than 10 minutes. If you read every single word and sit and reflect on what's being said in the course I could understand it taking an hour. But for someone who has a modicum of common sense and an 8th grade reading level, 15 or 20 minutes would be sufficient.

I'm all for creating a pleasant working atmosphere, but political correctness and all this touchy feely type of crap is driving me insane. Take, for instance, the issue of Mary's Nipple. We're all adults, right? Even children know what a nipple is. I'd hope that we could manage to ski on a mountain without giggling when we see the word nipple. I find it bizarre that pressure from a few Victorian-era tourists could prompt a town to change the name of a mountain. I don't know that many people from Wyoming -- are they just bigger prudes than the rest of us? Would screaming the word "vagina" in the middle of the street cause these delicate flowers to faint in the street?

I just don't understand.

Of course, some political correctness I can understand. I guess Mary got a lot of shit yesterday for her post on war protestors destroying a Sept. 11 memorial. While I do agree with what Mary said about the protestors [ie, flag burning is free speech, while destroying a Sept. 11 memorial is just a criminal act of vandalism], I don't agree with her that a sign that says "In God We Trust" belongs posted in any public building.

Free speech is important to us all, but I think particularly beloved by bloggers. I would not deny anyone the right to say what they want. I'll post here what I said to Mary:

I personally don't really care if you or anyone else trusts in god or carrots or dookey or whatever. Just don't expect me to trust in whatever it is. And because the post office is a public entity that serves the entire public, why should any declaration of religious belief be posted? If each individual postman or woman wants to tattoo In God We Trust across their forehead, I'm down with that. But to declare a public building [that has nothing to do with religion, and for an entity that was created by an atheist] a Jeebus zone seems unnecessary to me. But I also think I'm sensitive to people trying to force their Jeebus issues on me, so I don't know what the right answer is.

---

Sometimes the good guys win. This whole Elizabeth Smart thing is boggling my mind. I just hope it's the beginning of good things reported in the news. With the looming war in Iraq that no one wants, and the rights of U.S. citizens being stripped away at an alarming rate, and murder everywhere, I need some good things to happen. It can't be all horrible things all the time, right?

So even though it's kind of silly, I was heartened when I saw this article about pets fighting back. Sure, it's a little Orwellian and it's not much to write home about but I like to see bad things happen to bad people for a nice change of pace.

And if that makes me a bad person, I'm OK with that.

---

Elizabeth Smart found alive after 9 months.

Wow -- there's a surprise! I'll be interested in hearing how this whole thing unfolds. I thought for sure she was kidnapped to be a child bride of some crazy Mormon in the wilds of Utah, never to be seen again. I'm glad she was found, and she seems to be OK.

---

Newsflash: Woman wakes from seven year coma at Bryan Adams concert.

Oh dear.

"Christiane was sitting in her special wheelchair and suddenly she started showing reactions that for seven years we have been dreaming of.

"She opened her eyes and actually watched what was going on, she started to move in the wheelchair, and she was totally fascinated by the music and the singer.

"I will never forget it, I could have hugged the whole world. When we got back to the clinic she was still animated, and three times she called my name, she said Mama."

Did it never occur to the mother that maybe Christiane was trying to escape. I would claw my own eyes out if it meant avoiding a Bryan Adams concert.

---

So there have been complaints against Channel 4 in the UK for showing a program that depicted an artist eating the flesh of a dead baby. People are outraged at the fact that the artist is seen eating the baby, and smearing blood on the body of dead Siamese twins, and because of the "jokey" commentary that went along with it.

Now, true, I would have been grossed out just on principle, but I would have been much more concerned about where and how the artist got the dead bodies to begin with. Gross.

---

Everyone, at some point in their lives, suspects they were adopted. And some people are right, and some just wish they were. I never felt like I belonged in my family, despite serious family resemblences. I was sure that my real parents, while broken up over the idea of having to give me up, just left me on a doorstep and ran away.

I was always sure of it.

I pictured my real family to be cultured and artistic. Maybe they lived in Manhattan, or were nomads traversing the globe. Or maybe I was stolen from my parents and they were really heartbroken, searching for me, using their vast wealth to continue looking for me all these years.

I still secretly think that I have to be adopted. And hearing that an adopted guy from Minnesota discovered he's really a Prince just fuels the fire of my imagination.

Mom, dad, your royal highnesses, where ever you are -- please, come and find me. I have some credit card debt that needs to be paid off. I have long suspected that I should be leading a life of leisure, lying poolside eating bonbons, being fanned with palms by oiled up poolboys.

Come and find me.

---

I laugh every time I hear that some moron has done something horrible because he's been promised 72 virgins in paradise. I guess jihad is really aimed at men, because I don't think most women would really be that interested in getting down with 72 virgins.

Seriously, can you imagine the laughable foibles that would ensue? 72 boys who would be unable to remove a bra without serious struggling. 72 boys that would be unable to last more than 30 seconds, and would be completely unable to locate the sweet spot. 72 virgins means no foreplay, sloppy kissing, and maybe even some premature ejaculation. 72 virgins in paradise seems more like a punishment to me.

Give me a man whose been around the block a few times. You can keep your virgins.

---

I would be so pissed off right now if I were Muslim.

There are so many misguided people taking Islam and turning it into something it's not. They claim they are true Muslims, but they kill complete strangers for no good reason. This morning's bombings in the Philippines are likely the handiwork of Muslim extremists [according to the press].

So because of those asshats who feel the need to murder people because they're convinced their way is the only way, Muslims around the world are being profiled in airports, etc., and just generally being discriminated against. I would be ready to declare my own personal jihad -- against extremists.

This is in no way different from crazy extremist Christians -- the Jerry Falwell's and Fred Phelps' of the world. If I were a Christian I'd be completely embarrassed to be associated with those type of bizarro Deeply Religious types.

I don't understand why people just can't be content to believe what they believe in and let the rest of the world do it's own thing. This applies to just about everything. If I want to believe that pigs created the world, and worship jello, and have 12 husbands, and run around my house with a carrot sticking out of my ass, why should anyone care? Why would anyone feel the need to try to convince me I'm wrong? I wouldn't be hurting anyone, except for maybe my own sphincter.

To be perfectly honest, I don't care if Fred Phelps thinks that being gay is evil and wrong. That's his own Freudian hang up. I don't care if Osama bin Laden thinks that all non-Muslims are going to hell in a handbasket because we run eat pork and don't pray three times a day. But leave me out of it. Live your life according to your own beliefs but don't expect me or anyone else to live that way too.

I may be anti-organized religion, but I grew up going to Bible Summer School at a Methodist Church. I know the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Can you imagine if people really lived that way? But, I suppose like everything else, it would be twisted to fit into people's warped version of the truth.

---

I just flew in from Paris, and, boy, are my arms tired!

Ba da bing!

*Tap tap tap* is this thing on? Tough crowd!

I woke up at 6am today. Why? Because in my mind that's late -- that's like 11am. So it's dark, I'm tripping over my luggage, digging around in it for my glasses so that I can traverse my home without plummeting to my death on the stairs.

So what did I miss? Strangely enough, CNN Europe did not cover the death of Mr. Rogers. Obviously they somehow knew that it would have sent me into spirals of sobbing spasms, preventing me from perusing the fantastic art at Musee d'Orsay and the Cluny Museum, which I did that day. It was so kind of CNN to prevent me from finding out, don't you think?

I know what's on your collective minds: did I spend a lot of money in France to further their economy and declare myself a stinking traitor to America? The answer is yes. Or, should I say, oui?! I ate French cheese like it was going out of style. I drank French wine like a smelly old wino with a sudden windfall of donations to the tip jar. I sneered and rode le Metro twenty times every day like a true Parisienne. I ate foie gras and mass quantities of chocolate crepes. I was a glutton. I even smuggled French cheese and wine into the country. I should be excommunicated, citizenship pulled -- please, deport me to France, I beg of you.

Yeah, as usual, only the American media and Americans are making a big deal over the whole Iraq disagreement. Sure, Parisiennes don't want to go to war. But they don't hate Americans. They don't hate American culture. They only think that the American government has got it wrong this time. It drives me insane to come back into this cesspool of hate [i.e., the American media, backed by the American government] that encourages people to hate an entire culture and country because they aren't smooching our collective heinies. But enough of that ugliness: let's talk about Paris.

And, believe me, if you've never been: Paris is beautiful. I even learned to love the piquant stank of urine in the Metro. I love that people didn't make fun of me when I attempted to speak French. I love that the French fucking love their dogs. Dogs everywhere --- in the Metro, in the restaurants, in the stores, pooping on the street. I love that laughter sounds the same everywhere: America, Paris, London...even Iraq.

More to come...I've got to eat breakfast. No croissant, Nutella, and un cafe for me today! It's straight up runny poached eggs and sour dough toast. Ah, the smell of home.

---

I take the subway back and forth to work every day, and I also use the train to go shopping, etc. Being on the train has never bothered me, although I know that some people get a little claustrophic and nervous about what could happen.

In the back of my mind, I always sort of think about those types of things. I know where the third rail is located in the event of an emergency so I don't step on it and get fried. I always know where the emergency alarms are, and I know how to bust out the windows should that need to be done.

But what do you do when some crazy person torches the train you're on? There are some things that are just beyond your control. And really, you're in an enclosed space underneath the ground. You are at fate's mercy. It's a fear that I don't even allow myself to think about.

Those 120 people in the subway in South Korea were probably just like me -- they got on the subway every day to do what they need to do, and tried not to think about the things that could happen. And now they're gone. And another 140 people are hurt. I can't think of many worse ways to die than burning to death. The whole thing is horrible and I feel so badly for everyone involved and affected.

What really gets to me with this incident and incidents like it is that the perpetrator almost always lives. Maybe he or she gets slightly injured, but they always live. Drunk drivers invariably walk away from accidents in which they kill people. The guy who started the fire has a couple of burns but he's fine. I have to hope that, while I don't believe in god or the devil, there might be some cosmic force in the world that makes sure the bad karma collected by these people is rewarded somehow.

---

I suddenly feel like a Sir Mixalot video: Oh my gawd, Becky -- look at her butt!

But instead of saying look at her butt, I'm screeching what the fuck?

I've read several blogs recently that recounted the arrival of the dreaded interoffice memo of terror -- the evacuation plan edition. Mine just arrived. Of course, the HR people here never really developed our plan beyond a standard fire drill type of thing even though the memo specifies the plan is for "immediate evacuation of the building due to fire, fumes, or other forms of damage to our building." Whatever.

This is the funny part:

"Proceed directly to Seventeenth Street and assemble with others from your department; “check-in” with your assigned Floor Captain. Do not leave the area without instruction. "

Yeah, um, 17th St. is at the corner. If, by some strange turn of events, the surrounding sky scrapers are a blazing inferno and there's debris reigning down around me, you can be sure that I will stop fleeing the scene to hang out on the corner and check in with my Floor Captain.

Apparently our HR people didn't get the news that this latest panic is all a bunch of crap anyway. Lighten up, yo.

---

There comes a time in everyone's life when they can't quite drum up any sympathy when tragedy strikes someone they consider to be pure evil. Today is my day:

Pat Robertson has cancer

And Pat thought he was god's main man. Sorry Charlie.

---

Criag and I have a great difference of opinion when it comes to war with Iraq. He's convinced that we need to attack immediately, and compares the U.S. waiting to when the U.S. didn't get involved with trying to take out Hitler right away. I can see his point, but I'm not convinced that the main point of this war is for the benefit of Iraqi citizens. I'm too suspicious of the current administration to fully trust that this isn't about giving something little George something mind-numbingly bad to do.

So anyway, we don't discuss it too much because it never leads to any sort of compromise. We just continue to argue our points. Last night Craig carefully broached the subject of the dreaded emergency supply kit.

After September 11, Craig put together a small box of supplies -- canned food, water, flashlight, etc. I wanted no part of it, but humored him. Eventually I ate the cans of Spaghettios in a late night drunken eating frenzy and that was the beginning of the end of Craig's emergency supply kit.

But now, because the administration has recommended it, Craig is back in action. He's giving serious thought to which room of the house we should use as our "safe room." I didn't have the heart to tell him that if anything should happen in Philadelphia he will be hunkering down in that safe room with his three dozen cans of baked beans by himself -- in all likelihood, I will already be dead.

This may be a pessimistic view of things, but let's face it: I work three blocks from City Hall, three blocks from Philadelphia's stock exchange, and not too far from the historic district. I take the subway to and from work almost every day. I'm a stones throw from most desirable targets. If something were to happen that would force people to seal themselves inside their homes with plastic sheets and duct tape for days at a time, chances are that I'd be pushing up daisies first thing. And if I happen to survive, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

But in the interest of playing along, I'm feigning at least a passing interest in building our very own arsenal of wartime provisions. These are a few of the things I require for our box 'o fun:

1. one case of red wine [because I want to be good and drunk before the end comes. I've been watching 24 and nuclear weapon poisoning doesn't look fun.]
   
2. two containers of chocolate covered cherries in liquor and half a dozen raspberry truffles from Godiva.
   
3. Freeze dried ice cream
   
4. Knitting needles and enough yarn to make a sweater
   
5. Enought Diet Pepsi to last me two weeks
   
6. A battery powered television and VCR, and Grease II on tape

I can guarantee this box of emergency supplies will never materialize.

---

I have something to confess that will hopelessly mark me as a sentimental jackass: I really like Valentine's Day.

Just for starters, V-Day is in February -- and February is my favorite month of the year because of my birthday and a host of holidays for which I have off from work. But secondly, it promotes the warm fuzzies. A lot of people get really pissy about V-Day, and moan that they don't have a significant other to share it with, blah blah blah. But those people are sort of missing the point.

I've always had good Valentine's Days. I didn't always have a boyfriend or whatever, but I've always surrounded myself with people I'm crazy about. That, to me, is the point of Valentine's Day -- to celebrate your love for someone else.

Craig and I have been together for a long time, and we always exchange cards and little gifts, sometimes we go out to dinner. We got engaged on Valentine's Day in 1998. I would never admit this to Craig, but my favorite Valentine's Day was not the year we got engaged -- rather, it was the year I spent Valentine's Day with some of my best friends at a the third floor Copa bar on South Street. It was just a really great time.

This year Craig and I aren't doing anything at all -- we're going to stay home, rent a movie, and I'm going to make dinner. We're trying to save money for our trip next week. But he gave me a gift yesterday -- the third season of Buffy on DVD. Now that's love!

It's a little freaky that Iranians aren't supposed to celebrate Valentine's Day. Yes, I know there's all that crap about promoting Western values, but the fact of the matter is that there are just a bunch of people who want to celebrate the idea of love. What kind of sick, fucked up world is it when picking a day to celebrate the fact that there is love in the world isn't encouraged?

---

So, I understand that we're all in a heightened terrorism alert, code orange or whatever. But something tells me that the world has gone insane.

The FBI is investigating Target. Why? Because one of their Valentine's Day cards contains the world "jihad" and someone decided that it's a veiled threat.

Now, true, Target has gotten some other bad press last August because some of their clothes were supposedly sporting secret Nazi codes. And sure, there could be some crazed terrorist working behind the scenes at Target, infiltrating our lives with secretly incoded messages, meant to fill us with terror. Or someone just has a bit too much anxiety.

I'm sure you can guess which scenario I'm going with.

I'm betting that the terror alert is nothing more than a smokescreen. Rogue government [and I'm talking about the Shrub and his minions here] is about to do something crazily illegal and insane, so they up the terror level to draw attention away from said crazy thing.

When the terror level is raised, ordinary citizens don their terrorism-fighting capes and go to work, spying on their neighbors and finding threats were none exist. But they certainly don't notice the government making sure their rights are slowly but surely stripped away.

Ugh. I need to go back to bed for about a year. Call me when it's over.

---

See now, if I were to hate a group of people or a country and plan an attack of some sort, I think I would be sure to actually kill people from that group or country. Call me crazy.

Ali Imron, one of the morons who planned the attack in Bali that killed 192 people, said he meant to target Americans. Unfortunately, he happened to take out mostly Australians and he doesn't seem to know if Australia is an ally of the U.S. or not. But, boy howdy, is he ever sorry about what he did. He has even apologized. Gosh, I think we should let him go. You can tell that his apology is sincere, especially in light of the fact that he said he was proud that he and his little group of friends had the know-how to build the bombs and do all that damage and kill all those people. But he still hates Americans.

Ali sure did strike fear into my heart, me being an international terrorist and all.

There are a lot of things I don't understand about planning terrorist attacks. If you can't afford a plane ticket to the U.S., you might as well forget about it. Attacking U.S. Consulates overseas or nightclubs where Americans might hang out is useless. It's a well-known fact that the majority of Americans don't pay any kind of attention to anything going on outside of the U.S. Hell, most of them don't even care about what's going on here.

When Ali and his little friends blew up that nightclub in Bali and killed all those people, it was barely a blip on my mother's radar screen. She's more concerned with saving 59 cents on a can of peas with a new coupon. The only reason she cared about what happened in New York and DC is because we live in such close proximity, and I live in a large city that might make an attractive target. I think that's the way it is in most towns in America. People don't care about things until it's happening right in front of their face.

What I'm trying to say is that if terrorists are trying to slap us in the face just to get our attention [to paraphrase Carol Kane], they're going to have to try a new tactic. Blowing shit up in the name of their god or whatever isn't really doing the job.

Personally, I find George Bush much scarier.

---

2004 can't come soon enough.

I wonder if Shifty McMartiallawpants has ever heard of a little thing called separation of church and state. Because now he's threatening to cut federal funding to schools who don't allow people to pray.

See now, personally, I don't care if someone wants to pray in school. If you feel the need to say the rosary before a test or meditate or whatever, I don't care. Just don't expect me to do it, or give you special treatment because of it.

But the problem is that George seems to think that we could all do with a little religion-ing up, and he's just the person to give us our learning. And really, he just means that Christians should be given the right to pray. If you're Muslim, or Wiccan, or Jewish -- forget it. Take your hocus pocus and practice that shit at home.

With all the other rights he's trying to take away from us, I'm more than a little suspicious of this latest crap. What begins as George's attempts to ensure the rights of the religious will end up being a hammer to ensure those who aren't religious have no rights. It might take the form of prayers at school assemblies, with detention going to those who refuse to partake. It might take the form of classes in religion being mandatory. Who knows.

I hope I'm just being overly critical and a little crazy, but I kind of doubt it.

---

Happy Birthday Rick Astley!!

Rick is 37 today. Do you think he sits around and reminisces about the good old days when he was universally worshipped and adored? Was he ever universally worshipped and adored? I sure did love him....Rick and his red hair.

Howdy Doody motherfucker.

---

I simply cannot believe what I'm seeing.

I keep hoping that it's all a mistake or that there was some sort of escape hatch and all the astronauts are OK.

---

Yesterday I took a stroll over to the kitchenette on my floor to heat up my lunch. I stopped to chat with Roz, an assistant whose desk is closeby. Somehow we got on the subject of going to the gym. She started talking about a friend of hers who has 12 children.

12 kids? Who the fuck has 12 kids these days? My great-grandmother had 14 children but that was back in the 1910's or so when birth control still wasn't readily available and the cost of living wasn't so high.

Then Roz said something that totally blew my mind: she knows someone who has 23 children.

I know that some women really like the feeling of being pregnant, but how do you support that many kids? If you're an ideal family of two parents making the average income [from two wage earners] each kid is going to cost you approximately $170,000 to raise up to age 18. So 23 kids is going to cost around $4 billion. That's not even counting college.

Plus, you know with 23 kids that woman can't possibly work. So the husband or significant other [providing there is a husband or significant other] has sole financial responsibility for the household. And how the hell do you have 23 kids without killing yourself or others? That's a whole lot of wear and tear on your body, not to mention the exercise in patience that would have to be.

I can't even fathom having one kid, let alone 12 or 23 of them.

And now there's some moron in Afghanistan trying to break the world record for having children. He's already fathered 50 kids and has four wives. He says that neighbors give his kids food because he can't afford to feed them all, but he wants to have another 50 kids because he thinks it will be great to break the record. Who cares if most of them die of starvation, right?

People look at me like I'm evil when I tell them I don't want to have children and I don't particularly like children. But with people having 13, 24 and 50 kids I think there's someone in the world more than making up for my lack of interest. It makes me sick that there are people having kids to get government aide, or in order to have a reason not to work -- in combination with people who are having kids because they don't know how not have children due to a lack of family planning knowledge or because of religious convictions it's no wonder the world population is increasing at an alarming rate.

---

Ahem. So now the slurping and gulping of Monday night's episode really makes more sense.

But really, it's only Sarah being tied up and making some poor sap smell her feet. She's not naked or having sex with anyone on camera, right? It's not an ideal career choice, but at least it's not full on porn. And you can't tell me that Fox didn't leak this information themselves. Joe Millionaire is getting kind of old and the ratings are sagging just a bit, so they accidentally-on-purpose let the cat out of the bag. Because you know everyone in the world is going to watch it now to imagine little Sarah all tied up with no place to go.

Of course, it would be hilarious if, on their next date, Sarah answers her door in liquid latex, dirty feet, a ball gag, and carrying a whip.

It's just a Joe Millionaire kind of day around here. On my ride into work this morning I noticed The Daily News [the local equivalent of USA Today] had a big ass cover picture of Zora with this little article about her ties to the region. It was pretty boring, and isn't there enough going on in the world to give something else front page coverage?

---

A thousand people were asked whether Einstein, Jesus, Mozart or Elvis Presley should be cloned for the benefit of mankind.

Twenty-two per cent voted for Einstein compared with just 12% who thought Jesus should be cloned.

Who thinks this shit up? Furthermore, is there even any evidence to suggest that Jesus was a real person instead of some parable in a work of fiction? At least with Einstein, Elvis, and Mozart you know they were real.

And, of course, even with a clone all you get is a replica of the DNA, not a replica of the person's personality and intelligence. So, for the sake of argument, let's just say that Jesus was a real person. He gets cloned, but Cloned Jesus turns out to be some sort of freaky B&D-obsessed mass murderer.

Actually, that would be kind of funny.

---

When you're a Jet, You're a Jet all the way From your first cigarette To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

The headlines scream it all: One dead in California fraternity brawl. Is it wrong that I picture the scene from West Side Story with the two rival gangs duking it out and then a flash to some big burly fraternity guy and a Christina Aguilera-lookalike sorority sister singing a duet, cheek to cheek? Sure, I'm probably getting my musicals mixed up but it's all a jumble of West Side Story, The Outsiders, and Grease I and II rolling around in my fucked up head.

I was never in a sorority in college. At Temple U. most of the sororities have really bad reputations. The big joke is that there is supposedly some old law still on the books in Pennsylania that classifies any house with more than six women living in it as a whorehouse, and at Temple U. that ain't far from the truth. Who really knows if that law really exists, but I had never met any sorority girls who didn't fit the stereotype. And so rushing a sorority never sounded like a good idea to me. And so I have a very biased attitude toward sorority girls.

It always surprises me when I meet a woman who was in a sorority in college but is not a skanky ho. One of my co-workers was a sorority girl, but is so nice and normal and not a slut. It is through Rebecca that I am slowly attempting to transform my low opinion of sorority girls. One day I'll be able to hear the word "mixer" without sneering and picturing huge orgies. So help me, that is my pledge.

I must admit that I don't have a high opinion of fraternity boys either. Oh sure, I dated a few...but mostly because they were always so utterly stupid. And we all know that stupid in the head=good lay. So I'll admit that my motives were not always pure. But shit like that occasionally got me in trouble.

Take, for instance, the time one of my fraternity snacks took a particular liking to me. Poor, dumb Chuck. He showed up at my house one night in his standard state of operation: stupid and piss drunk. It was around 11pm, and he buzzed my intercom, wanting to come on up and romance me with his charming ways [I seem to remember he had a fondness for trying to sex me up by bringing a bottle of pink champale for us to drink and gifting me with a bag of Skittles. Trés hot.], but I was a little tired of him and was in no mood to deal with a drunk. I told him to go home. But you know how sometimes things don't register right away? Or at all? Chuck continued to buzz my intercom for hours. Hours! I was alternately serenaded with Air Supply songs and cursed out.

After recording all of it for posterity, I called one of his fraternity brothers around 3am to come and remove his silly ass from my doorstep. The ensuing scene vaguely reminded me of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, but Chuck had suddenly developed a Popeye-esque inflection to his voice.

I incorporated one of Chuck's ballads into my answering machine message after that.

Oh sure, I was a mean, mean woman back then, but it's all because of my prejudice against sororities and fraternities. I'm sure one day I'll discover the error in my ways. And then maybe I can join in the musical...when you're a jet, you're a jet to the end....

---

Speaking of being cold, how about all the controversy surrounding The Bloggies I'm trying to imagine the scene during Hamlet performed topless in an ice theatre. Talk about the turtling penis and high beams. They'd be a great advertisement for moisturizer -- I can't imagine how chapped ones nipples would get after rehearsing topless for weeks in frigid temps. It's giving me the chills just thinking about it.

Craig was making fun of the fact that Philadelphia calls cold weather emergencies for the homeless "Code Blue." He thinks they should name it something else. He just thinks it's tacky to name the siren after the color of people on the streets during the cold weather. I hadn't really thought of it, but I guess he's right in a sick sort of way. Maybe it should be something like "Code Get your Ass into a Shelter."

---

It's the 30 anniversary of Roe v. Wade today.

My opinion on people who are anti-choice is irrelevant today. What is important is that everyone understands that this is really about the rights of women. It's also about access to proper medical care for women.

Understand this: abortions are going to happen whether it's legal or not. Isn't it better to keep abortion legal so that your little sister or your aunt or your best friend isn't forced to seek out some un-licensed guy who performs abortions in a dirty hotel room on dirty sheets with unsanitized instruments? If you loved one should choose to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason, would you rather she die from infection than have the abortion done in a medical facility? That's really what this is all about. This is not me being melodramatic -- it's a fact.

Before Margaret Sanger [founder of what became Planned Parenthood] and her crusade to inform women by disseminating information on family planning, people mostly used the "pull and pray" method of birth control. In the 1920's it was illegal to inform women of their options. Sanger fought for those rights. It took until 1965 for the Supreme Court to overturn the last state law prohibiting the use of birth control by married couples. I'd like to keep my rights.

Abortion rates are the lowest they have ever been today. The reason for this is agencies like Planned Parenthood are doing their job: they are disseminating information about birth control and family planning. Anti-choice proponents think Planned Parenthood is an evil, evil entity and many fight tooth and nail to have federal funding of Planned Parenthood revoked. Apparently these people never stopped to think of what would happen.

Regardless of your feelings on abortion or my feelings on abortion, I would hope that everyone has enough sense to see the reality in any attempt to overturn Roe v. Wade. Making abortion illegal won't stop death, it will promote it. When Bush pulled funding for family planning in developing nations he didn't stop abortions -- instead he helped millions of women back into the dark. He stopped information on birth control from being disseminated, and he halted the flow of information about HIV and other diseases to more women than I care to think about.

What worries me the most is if Roe v. Wade is overturned and funding to agencies like Planned Parenthood is pulled, what's next? My voting rights? My right to have whatever job I want? My right to leave the house unescorted by my husband? I would like to keep the rights that I have.

---

Oh sure, I was grossed out about finding a roach in my Chinese food over the weekend, but at least I didn't actually ingest the little creepy crawly [and I'm choosing to believe that I haven't accidentally done so on prior occasions, OK? Don't burst my bubble]. But imagine knowing that your favorite bakery has been serving up bird shit bread to you for who knows how long.

Yeah, I've worked in restaurants and I know that the idea of cleanliness in the food production/food service industry is a total joke. But to be so blatant about it and so out of control about it is so skeevy.

I try not to think about stuff like that because, honestly, it's enough to make me stay home and cook my own meals made from veggies, fruits, and grains I grow myself and animals that I've slaughtered personally.

Of course, that would mean I'd starve. I do attempt to garden during the Spring and Summer months in my little 10'x10' plot of concrete patio. At most I'd say that I harvest about half a dozen peppers, two dozen tomatoes, and a handful of beans...certainly not enough to feed my little family of two.

---

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

---

This latest baby dumping case was all over the news this morning. It's the same old crap -- teenage couple gets pregnant, no one happens to notice the girl bulking up, girl has baby unnoticed, and then they dump the kid. OK, in this case, the boy dumped the baby.

The guy says he had no choice since they didn't want the baby. Unfortunately, Wisconsin has a Safe Baby law in place and the girlfriend knew about it. So his excuse is stupid. What kills me is that it got to that point anyway. They both knew they didn't want the baby, so why didn't the girl just have an abortion?

Oh, I know what some of you may be thinking: "But Nicole, abortion is evil and wrong! You are evil and wrong for condoning it! You should go straight to hell!" Yeah great -- I'll save you a seat. Sure, this time the whole thing had a happy ending; the baby was found and saved. But statistics indicate that just over 100 babies are abandoned on the street every year, about half of which die. Is it more humane to leave a baby on the street to die a miserable death, or more humane to abort before it even becomes an issue?

In the case of the teenage couple from Wisconsin, it may have been a combination of things. Wisconsin's abortion laws require minors to get parental consent in order to have an abortion. Since the girl's parents didn't know she was pregnant, she obviously couldn't get their consent. And their choice might have been wrapped up in denial, confusion, religion-induced guilt, etc.

With National Sanctity of Life Day coming up on Sunday, it might be a good idea for Bush and other anti-choice legislators, policy proponents, and advocates to take a good look at what laws that prohibit or decrease access to abortions do. In a nutshell, they force people who should never, ever have children in the first place to have children. People who should never have children sometimes make very bad parents. It puts children through hell. Not quite the picture of pure joy you see in all those commercials that spout "Choose Life!"

Yes, there's adoption. But with U.S. adoption laws being what they are [a long, drawn out nightmare], more and more hopeful parents are adopting babies from other countries. Where does that leave babies given up for adoption in the U.S.? At the moment there are just about 150,000 kids in the U.S. in foster care waiting to be adopted. Only about 1/3 of them will actually be adopted. The rest will spend their time in an institution or in foster care. And we all have heard the stories about what can happen while a kid is in foster care.

I'm not saying that everyone should run out and have abortions willy nilly, and I'm not saying that adoption isn't a good option. What I am saying is that it's time to get over this notion that abortion shouldn't be a choice, and isn't a valid choice.

And for Bush to be anti-choice is the most hilarious and hypocritical thing of all -- how many criminals did he execute while governor of Texas? How many thousands of Iraqis will die because of a ground war? How many innocent Afghanis died because his army couldn't get their bombing sites right? He's a one man killing machine responsible for more deaths than I can count, and he gets teary-eyed and indignant because someone wants to abort a lump of cells?

Yay! Can't wait for National Sanctity of Life Day! Whoohoo!

---

Why?

Honestly, that bears repeating: why? Why would anyone want to shove 702 needles through his skin? I think this is the key passage:

But, he added: "I'm pretty happy. I would've liked to do 1,000, but now that I'm done, I realize 700 is a helluva lot. And right now it looks like I've been in a car accident ... There's quite a lot of blood."

Yeah, blood, car accident. Neither of those things sounds good to me.

I understand the idea behind piercings and I have piercings. I can even understand the attraction to pain [although I personally am not a big fan of it]. But the blood? And the needles? At the same time? Ugh.

He looks like a pin cushion, or a long lost relative of Pinhead.

---

Yesterday at work Craig called me up and said, "You are not going to believe what is going on here." I thought maybe the faux punk former neighbors had returned to wreak bloody vengeance against the neighborhood or something.

But no, Craig was out checking stores yesterday in Olde City when he noticed smoke pouring from a building in front of him and broken furniture all over the road a few blocks ahead. Craig, being the nosy old woman that he is, parked his work van and walked closer to the action. And then he found out that some lunatic had set fire to a highrise and was throwing his girlfriend's shit out of the window. Craig called me after getting back in his van and driving off, which it turns out was a good thing -- because the moron plummeted to his death about ten minutes later.

The fascinating thing to me is that the guy who set the fire was a total loon who has a long criminal record, but his girlfriend is a lawyer and a law professor at Temple University. My basic gut instinct tells me not to date criminals, no matter how cute, good in bed, charming, etc. And I would think that lawyers would have an even better handle on the situation. You know: criminal=bad. It's a pretty easy concept.

I'm constantly amazed at the choices that people make. This woman, a smart woman with a lot going on, chose to make a serious commitment to someone who she not only had to defend in court a few times, but was abusive and had mental problems and obviously had issues with anger management. I know that some women have a strange attraction to bad boys and don't always think with their brains -- I understand it on a very basic level, but I don't think I really, really understand it. What happens to people that makes them willing to accept violence in their every day life?

---

It is with a heavy heart I announce that the economy has taken it's toll on an important member of our society: the porn czarina from Utah.

That's right, Paula Houston will no longer field complaints about porn from smut-crazy Mormons. Furthermore, she will no longer get to watch porn flicks and page through skin mags as part of her job description. She won't even get to recommend the banning of A Catcher in the Rye anymore! What a dirty bird!

What qualifications does one have to possess in order to be a porn czar? Houston is a former local prosecutor, which doesn't seem like it will give you the skills you'd need. Did I mention that she is supposedly a 41-year-old virgin? You'd think that in order to be a true smut czar, searching out the smutty in all corners in order to prosecute, you'd have to be pretty well-versed in sex. Houston seems like unlikely candidate.

Personally, I'd like to see a retired porn star in that kind of job. There's really no upward mobility for old porn stars, and porn stars would definitely know porn when they see it. It's the perfect "moving on up" type of job for someone like that.

Speaking of upward mobility, what does someone like Houston do after being laid off from her porn czarina gig? Since she's been exposed to all that smut, [according to Latter Day Saint propaganda] her mind should be all sorts of corrupted. If what they're saying is true, she should be about ready to go all commando in the Tabernacle any day now.

---

Someone I work with who is a military reservist has just been called to active duty in response to the situation in Iraq. His unit expects full mobilization by January 23. He's been called for a year, with the option of a second year of service [as mandated by the Shrub]. Another friend is expecting to be called to active duty any day now.

I have to believe that this is a bad omen.

My grandfather, someone who I usually disagree with about everything, kind of summed it up best over the weekend: "If we don't invade Iraq we'll look like cowards, but if we do we'll look even worse." The very fact that he doesn't support the war and the current administration 100% speaks volumes to me -- this is a man who is a die hard Republican from way back when. He refuses to vote for anyone who is not a Republican. Ever. It looks like there's dissention in the ranks, folks.

It's naive to think there will ever be a time when everyone in the world is peaceful and at peace. A girl can dream though, right? It makes me sick that my friends are being called to active duty. Yes, I agree that Hussein is a bad man. He's bad for world peace. He's bad for the people of Iraq. But I don't want to see Iraq levelled and the people of Iraq killed because of him. I don't want my friends put in harms way because Bush has a beef with Hussein over trying to kill his dad, and because he feels the need to control the oil in that region. And yet I don't want to worry that Hussein has a long range chemical weapons that could hurt people like Angua in Israel or anywhere else, for that matter.

So what's the right answer?

Maybe the U.S. would be at the point of killing thousands of people in the name of peace even if Bush wasn't the "President." Whatever the case, it doesn't instill me with confidence to have him at the helm.

Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

---

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that the current U.S. administration was planning to start requiring U.S. citizens to register any international travel plans. I've been unable to find any documentation on it -- could someone point me in the right direction? I feel an apoplexy coming on.

Anyway.

Good news -- Mr. Blackwell has released his 2002 list of the worst dressed! I never noticed whether Meg Ryan was well dressed or not, but I completely concur with the rest of his list. But he forgot Brittney Spears -- or maybe [like the rest of us] he's trying to block her from his mind. Maybe someone used the Jedi mind trick on him: "Mr. Blackwell, you do not see Brittney Spears. She does not look like a whore. She is simply not there."

But yeah, Shakira, Anna Nicole, Pink, and that Aguilera chick -- they all look like someone shrank their clothes in the wash, dressed them, and then put them in a steel cage fight with a badger. I can halfway forgive Kelly Osborne because, well, I just can.

Personally, I think Mr. Blackwell ought to turn his attention to individual cities. Or deputize some of us regular folk to hand out fashion citations. I would sign up in a heart beat for that job. Can you see me now, out and about with citation pad in hand yelling, "Honey no! Don't you know that wearing stirrup pants with flats are not meant to happen? It's tacky! I can't let you off with a warning, that's just awful!" or running after some fly guy on the sidewalk, "What is up with the purple alligator skin slip on loafers, buddy? Those are wretched -- here's a $100 ticket just for being an eyesore!"

I think it's my calling.

What qualifies me to perform such a sacred duty? According to our intern, I have "full flava" and my new stylist told me that I have a "great look." Of course, you can't trust those damn stylists. If she thought it would get her a better tip she'd probably tell me I was a goddess. Of course, I am, dahling, but I don't expect strangers to pick up on that!

But I like the "full flava" thing -- bwah!

---

Why do people insist on blowing each other up? I'm sickened by the latest bombing in Chechnya. Sickened.

People go about their business every day. I come to work everyday. Do I deserve to die because my government does stupid things? I didn't vote the current government into office and I don't support most of the ridiculous things they do in my name as an American. So do I still deserve to die? Do Chechnyans or Russians deserve to die because someone doesn't agree with a government's policies? Does anyone?

What kind of sense does it make? I want people to snap out of it -- religion shouldn't be about killing people.

---

I often bitch about growing up without either of my parents taking the slightest interest in anything I was doing, but the truth is that now I'm kind of happy about it. Sure, it would have filled me with glee if my mother had been proud of my work with the choir, the yearbook, or the newspaper, or had come to see me cheer at a game even once. But having the freedom to do my own thing without parental involvement gave me a lot of independence and even helped with my decision-making skills. Being thrown to the wolves will do that for you. Heh.

No, really.

Parents who need to be intimately involved with every aspect of their kid's lives need help. I guess it's an issue of trust and control, but I would have been mortified if my mother had called my college professors to complain about my grades. Can you imagine? You spend the entire semester fucking around, getting drunk every night, skipping classes, and then mommy and daddy step in and try to exert pressure on your professor to give you a better grade. Yeah, because that's why people become college professors -- to counsel mom and dad through this difficult time of you not doing a speck of work.

This all can be brought back to the fact that we're building a society of people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Nothing is ever their own fault. Bad grades? Why, it must be because I have a bad teacher! Fat? Well, who knew eating McDonald's every meal of every day could make me fat!? Went on a killing spree? It's those damn rock and roll records!

A few years ago I was contracted to run a cheerleading clinic for a peewee league group of cheerleaders. The age group was from 5 years old to 13 years old, and there were probably about 500 kids. Christy and I planned the whole thing, and she decided to teach dance, I was to teach stunting, and we hired another girl to teach cheers. At first I was really excited about it -- what could be a cooler job than to teach stunting? I spent hours designing stunts and pyramids that were appropriate for each age group. But the parents totally ruined it for me.

For the youngest age group I had planned these cute little pyramids that didn't involve anyone even really taking more than one foot off the ground. Some of the parents refused to let their children participate in something so dangerous. What? So, your kid can't be trusted to stand on one leg? Not even with a spotter? Does she have vertigo? Is she retarded?

My whole day was like that. The parents were rude, condescending, and completely bent on controlling every little thing. The kids were miserable because they weren't allowed to do anything. It convinced me that I would never be able to handle a job as a full-time cheerleading coach. I hate the parents.

A few of my friends are teachers. There is a job I would never want to have. What do teachers do? They teach kids the skills they're going to need in order to be successful in life. Without them, no one would ever learn to read, write, add, or subtract. They do the single most important job in the world. And yet parents are constantly bugging them that their kid shouldn't have gotten an F on that composition, despite the fact that the composition consisted of the words "Fuck you" 100 times. Somehow the teacher should be at fault for that.

There's a fine line between involvement and smothering craziness when it comes to kids. Yes, I believe that parents should be involved in what their kids are doing, but I also believe that sometimes too much a good thing is just, well, too much.

I don't want to use the term "mollycoddling" here, but if the shoe fits...

---

Because I'm a burdgeoning blogwhore, I was checking my statistics the other day and noticed a hit or two from the Blogging Ecosystem. And guess what? go fish is listed as the 427th most linked to online journal in the blogosphere.

I should be thrilled that I'm in the top 500, considering there are thousands of blogs. But I'm not that excited about it -- in fact, I'm rather depressed that I am not more beloved. Watch me pout about this for a few seconds.

And now I'm moving on.

My day off yesterday was prolific for me -- I wrapped presents, I finished a pair of socks for a Christmas present, finished one half of a pair of mittens for a Christmas present, and started on a scarf for Craig. And I didn't feel even the slightest bit guilty for not being at work.

I definitely need to find a new occupation. Maybe I should become a teacher. If my students shower me with bags of weed it could be a very excellent choice for me! And very lucrative. Of course, that would mean I'd have to be around kids for long periods of time, and I don't think I would like that very much. You know, because I'm not a big fan of children.

How about that The Amazing Race last night? If you haven't seen it yet, avert your eyes now. How surprised was I that the twins got eliminated, leaving that whiny-ass Flo and the abusive husband to lose against the brothers? At the beginning of the Race, my favorites were the brothers and the team with the gay cheerleader [well, duh]. I was heartbroken when the cheerleader was tossed out, but I'm deliriously happy that the brothers are still in it. For the last show, I'd like to see the abusive husband and Flo get into a fist fight, while Zack and the abused wife come to their senses and walk away. That will leave the brothers to win it all.

Speaking of fondest wishes, apparently Santa received my letter from the other day and thought I actually had been a pretty good girl all year. What arrived at my house last night, but the coat I wanted!! That Craig makes a really good Santa! Of course, I can't wear it until Christmas....

Now I can be a very bad girl until Christmas!

---

After Teri stripped down to her paper undies last week on The Amazing Race, I have had underwear on my mind. I never want to hear about Teri's [or anyone else's] undies ever again. I sure as hell don't want to see Teri in her paper undies.

After that trauma, I think I've finally hit the mother load of disturbing undies: undies and bras made from human hair. Does it get much more Silence of the Lambs than that?

I was thinking of an art project where I make underwear out of things they obviously shouldn't be made of -- soy nuts, soda can tops, rubber bands. I bet it would sell for thousands. That's still in the planning stages though.

I wonder if the crotch in the human hair undies are cotton-lined. If they're not, that's just a yeast infection waiting to happen. Not to mention that the hair from the undies is bound to get mixed in with your own hair, and then how does one explain how hairs of a different color migrated into one's own bush? Perplexing, to be sure.

---

I totally need to move to Germany.

I saw a link on Fark about a German woman who condones a no fun work atmosphere. She blames America for creating the fun workplace, which a) decreases productivity and b) blurs the line between work and home. She says that her first job was in a company run the American way -- "[t]his meant that we started work at around midday and drank beer in the office."

OK, where do I sign up? I don't know any offices in the U.S. run that way, but I definitely want to be a part of it! I have long dreamt of hooking up a keg of Guinness underneath my desk and passing the tap hose up through the hole in the desk meant for the computer wires, and now is my chance -- with those damned American ideas of a fun workplace that are playing out in Germany! Woohoo!

I understand the need to blame the U.S. for everything wrong with the world. Hell, I can even agree with a few things because I'm well aware that the U.S. is not an ideal society. But to blame the U.S. for a work ethic that doesn't even exist in the U.S. seems a bit, well, paranoid.

Who comes in at noon and gets tanked on the job?

---

The White House needs to fire their decorator or idea man or whoever decides the theme of the White House Christmas tree. If it's the First Couple, you know I'm very behind firing them for more important things -- but choosing to decorate the tree in the "History of Pets" makes me seriously wonder for their sanity.

In all honesty, the theme is native U.S. birds, which doesn't quite seem as ludicrous as the "history of pets" but in comparison to past tree themes -- A Winter Wonderland, Mother Goose Christmas, and Nutcracker Suite -- the native birds theme seems a little unseasonal and kind of silly.

But hey, who am I to complain about the way the White House decorates? I'm sure the Shrub would hate my cheesy collection of Marilyn Monroe ornaments.

Decorating for holidays is such a subjective thing. I decorate for two holidays only -- Halloween and Christmas. I usually don't really go overboard. For Halloween this year we hung jointed resin skeletons in the five windows in the front of our house, and left it at that. For Christmas we usually put swags and bows in the front windows, have a Christmas tree and hang a little mistletoe.

Being a minimalist doesn't run in the family. My mother decorates for every imaginable holiday -- she loves taping cardboard ornaments to the windows and the mirrors in the house and putting out little holiday-related chotchkies. In my neighborhood it isn't overly popular to go crazy with the decorating, but there are some people who do. There is a neighbor down the street who has lined the front of his house with lights that he changes the color of to reflect the holiday. For Christmas he wires a full on flying Santa Claus with sleigh and all the reindeer to the front of his house. There's a woman around the corner who has lined the bottoms of her windows with cotton balls [you know, to simulate snow] and has positioned her creepy collection of dolls on a sled. Behind them she has hung these weird silver streamers.

Probably the neighborhood in Philadelphia most prone to decorating is South Philly. Those people decorate if they pass a kidney stone. Weddings and christenings and graduations and engagements all deserved swags of tulle wrapped around every available surface, along with huge banners. Other holidays involve full on plastic light up creche scenes that are chained to the house so no one can make off with the Sweet Baby Jeebus. Their cars are decorated. Their stoops are decorated. They probably have holiday toilet paper.

That right, in South Philly you can wipe your ass on the face of Santa. Step right up.

---

Every day I find a new reason to be glad I don't live a country completely overtaken by the Deeply Religious [at least not yet]. Remember the newspaper article about the Miss World pageant that sparked riots in Nigeria? Well, now some idiotic deputy who is part of the Nigerian government has condemned the journalist, a woman, to death. You know, because she has offended Allah.

I suppose that the morons who freaked out, began rioting, and killed hundreds of people are completely innocent, right? Entitled to dozens of virgins when they die? Sure.

I'm constantly amazed at what such a deep conviction in religion will produce. I was 17 when the Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa against Salman Rushdie. I really didn't understand why it was necessary then, and it doesn't make any more sense to me now.

I've long thought that the Deeply Religious make shit up as they go along just to keep their followers in line. People want to pretend that it makes perfect sense to stone a woman to death because she had a baby out of wedlock but not punish the man who knocked her up. Legions of people believe in their hearts that one day two people and all the flora and fauna on earth just magically appeared and followed the world of the Christian god ever since, despite evidence to the contrary. Normally rational people refuse to acknowledge that love is love, in whatever form you find it, because their religion prescribes to them what kind of love they can accept in their hearts.

It's fucked up, and it's making me crazy.

---

I guest posted over at Nasty Mike's a few weeks ago about how much I don't understand the desire to cause yourself bodily harm just to make into the record books. Here's another example of that same thing -- there's a guy who can chainsmoke through his ears.

So instead of getting lung cancer by smoking through regular body parts, he's going to likely get cancer of the ear canal or some crazy shit like that. And that's just the practical side of it. Who devises a way to smoke through their ears just for attention?

And what kind of fucked up family encourages it just because they can read all about it in the newspapers? I wonder if there are mobile homes in India, because doesn't this seem remotely trailer trash-y?

---

I have a ritual every morning. The alarm goes off at 6:10 am and I stumble down the hallway to the bathroom. I shower, throw my contacts in, dry my hair, and stumble back to the bedroom. I turn the TV on to the local news and I get back in bed until 6:40. Then I do whatever else I need to do in order to leave the house in a presentable state.

Watching the news when I'm in a barely functional state can sometimes be a very bad idea. This morning it was a very bad idea. I was half asleep, wrapped in a gossamer cloud that is my down comforter when I heard that the FBI has issued a new terror warning. I sort of popped one eye open and paid a little attention. And then I sat up in bed and starting screaming.

Poor Craig thought I was bleeding from my eyeballs or something.

Now, perhaps I'm still a little groggy but am I to understand that the FBI has issued a warning of a "spectacular" attack but with absolutely no details, and we remain at a merely elevated threat level? So, really, what I'm thinking is that this is nothing new. We've pretty much known all along that there was going to be another attack on the U.S. at some point, and that the plan was for this second attack to make the attack on the WTC and Pentagon look like piddly crap.

OK, I understand that it's important for all of us to be informed, and I know that if something horrible happened and the FBI knew that something was up and didn't issue the warning there would be hell to pay. However, a simple "Hey, we're a little concerned, here's a heads up" would have sufficed. To word the warning with such urgency does nothing except give me and everyone else an anxiety attack. And then to not raise the threat level seems to downplay the importance of the warning. So which is it? Is it urgent or is it not urgent? Is it any more dire than the threat level the rest of the time?

And then I hear this whole thing about our current government wanting to eliminate 850,000 federal jobs and farm those jobs out to the lowest bidder. Yes, I know it's an effort to cut costs. However, that's going to screw a ton of people in a major way. I imagine a government that is even worse than it already is. I picture those slack asses at the IRS, for instance. The IRS already hires the least competent smacked asses imaginable. Now imagine that all those idiots are fired, and ABC temporary agency is hired to fill those spots. I know there are some great people who work for temp agencies, but the majority of them are crack whores who don't have a tooth in their heads and can't find their own asses...at least here in Philadelphia anyway. The IRS will be then be staffed by an even less interested work force.

It's enough to make me want to go back to bed for the rest of the day.

---

Fraternities and sororities are not a huge tradition at Temple University, my beloved alma mater. I would have rather eaten broken glass and sharp pins than pledge a sorority -- the few that were on campus were filled with slutty, big-haired, idiotic assholes.

I did, however, date a bevy of fraternity boys. In fact, I dated several Delta Tau Delta brothers and a Zeta Beta Tau brother. Because I know the collective minds of fraternity brothers, I do not believe that any fraternity boy from Philadelphia could rig a $3 million payoff on the Breeders Cup. Let me rephrase that -- I believe that they tried, and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that they were caught. Why? Because I have yet to meet a fraternity boy who could string three intelligent sentences together. All the drugs and alcohol have permenantly damaged their brains.

I have been to a few fraternity parties at Drexel University, where these three brainiacs met. There was more coke floating around those parties than anywhere else. The stupidity was staggering. Even I wouldn't have dated one of them, and that's saying something considering my self-proclaimed moniker of equal opportunity dater.

And does this strike anyone else as vaguely Office Space-ish? I half expect to hear a follow up story including Milton and the freakish red Swingline stapler.

---

I have obviously got this employment thing all wrong. Apparently Karen has paid off her credit card debt, all through donations of kindly internet folks like you and me [well, not me and probably not you -- my readers are wayyyyyy too smart for that].

That's $20K in 19 weeks. That's just fucking crazy. People gave this woman money because she shopped and didn't have the cash to repay her debts. She offered up no product at all -- no shots of boobies, like the Boobies to Florida campaign...not even good, entertaining prose like Moxie. Maybe I should just quit working and ask people to support my lazy, shopaholic ass. And I could offer up product, too -- knitted goods, handmade journals, photos of my various beautymarks, etc. I'm sure you would all be down with that, right? I know you all work hard to support yourselves and your families, but I'm sure you won't mind if I sit poolside eating bonbons on your dime, right?

Now, I gave a charitable donation to the Boobies to Florida campaign. I wasn't in it for the boobies, although I do think it's an excellent idea [and a product, I might add]. Statia is a fun [and funny] chick, and Robyn is incredibly nice. I can get behind a good cause. But I want to know who donated to help Karen and her Manolo Blahnik debt. Who had an extra $20 to help a girl who didn't want to take responsibility for her actions? What's wrong with the world? Just because the can you shake for loose change is a virtual can doesn't make you any different from some faux homeless guy begging change on the street.

Yes, I'm totally bitter.

My point -- if you're going to raise money via the internet for youself, please offer something in exchange. Otherwise, suffer my wrath. And I know that must just fill you with terror: I'll get you and your little dog too!

---

Is it a sure sign of the apocalypse when public figures start acting completely insane? Oh wait, what am I thinking -- that's a normal occurence. But the wiggins seem especially bizarre to me right now...maybe it's the holiday season.

There has been much Michael Jackson mayhem as of late, what with the latest crazy looking plastic surgery mishap and now the Michael Jackson for Parent of the Year brouhaha. I think maybe he needs parental supervision or something. Did the nanny quit? Has he stopped taking his medication?

Then there was the recent Winona Ryder shoplifting trial. Yeah, because I really believe Winona was targetted by "overzealous" security guards. I also believe that monkeys will fly out of my butt one day. Act like an adult.

Let's not forget about Principal Ed Rooney being busted for child porn and child molestation. When does it become abundantly clear that if you're doing something illegal, the police are going to call you on it? And then you're going to be publicly humiliated.

Which brings me to Allen Iverson. The big news here in Philly is that Iverson [a player on the 76ers basketball team, for those of you who don't know] is saying that he and his family live in fear because he is convinced the police are out to get him.

Before I get into how utterly ludicrous this is, can I just say how much I hate it when people refer to themselves in the third person? Iverson has been clocked as saying, "Allen Iverson could wind up dead tomorrow if a crooked cop wants him dead." Um, honey, are you referring to yourself or someone else? Stop being a smacked ass.

Yeah, now you might remember earlier this year when Iverson was charged with four felonies and 10 misdemeanors [the charges were all dismissed]. And then there was the whole issue with the stupid rap album he put out a few years ago, and his problems with the 76ers coach. He's got millions of dollars but still wants to act like he's a thug. And now he's crying victim about the whole thing. Well of course the police are keeping an eye on him -- he's acting like a criminal. If you don't act like you're doing something wrong then people will fucking leave you alone.

Argh.

Living in the public eye means that you're actions are under constant scrutiny. If you do something illegal, immoral, or just plain stupid people are going to find out about it. So why would you do it? I understand that some people have a problem with impulse control -- I just hate having to hear the whining. Oh it was bad judgement, oh it wasn't my fault, oh I'm being unfairly targetted.

Get over it.

---

Last night at 11:30 I threw some shoes on, my coat, and grabbed a blanket. I went out onto my back patio and laid down and just stared up at the sky.

I didn't think I'd be able to see any of the Leonid meteor showers. I live in the middle of Philadelphia, which kind of puts a damper on star gazing because the city lights make it difficult to see anything. Imagine my surprise when I only waited about five minutes before seeing one of the brightest shooting stars I've ever seen in my entire life.

It seems sort of stupid but I got the biggest goofy grin on my face. I was thrilled to see it. I saw a few more faint meteors, but nothing like that first one. I didn't hang out for that long, maybe only about 20 minutes. I was tired and it was really really cold outside. But I was able to see some of the meteor shower and that was really exciting for me.

I always get really philosophical when I star gaze. I start to think that there are thousands of other people who saw the same shooting star that I did, and then I wonder who they are and what they're doing, and then I start imagining their lives. And then I start thinking about the universe in general, etc., etc. If it was warmer I likely would have stayed out there all night -- just me and the sewer rats.

My dream job would be to work in a planetarium, just kind of looking at the sky. I know that astronomers do a whole lot more than just that, but that's the only part of the job I could handle. My feeble math skills prevent me from doing the actual real work.

When I lived at my mom's house one of my favorite things to do in the summer was covering myself in lots of mosquito repellant and lying in the middle of her huge backyard at night. My favorite constellations are Orion and Cassiopeia. When you live out in the middle of nowhere there are no city lights to interrupt star gazing...it's amazing. Sometimes I forget there are so many stars and planets up there since so few are visible from the city.

I wonder if Mrs. Roboto and Monkeyface saw the same shooting star I did. I hope so -- it would be nice to think that two of the coolest people were looking at something at the same time I was. On their recent trip to Mexico, Mrs. Roboto sent me a very cool postcard, which arrived last night. In addition, she also sent me a black and white copy of a photo taken of a shrine -- she thought I could use it on a journal cover. Isn't that thoughtful and wonderful? And to tell you truth, I already have a cover planned out for me to use it on! And let's not forget the little box of chocolates with the cool straw pumpkin! Thank you Mrs. Roboto -- you are wonderful!

---

Good news! The FDA has approved a twenty minute HIV test that's easy to use! Woohoo!

I'm not even being facetious -- I'm genuinely thrilled about this. I have had about 15 HIV tests over the years. It's not because I was ever an IV drug user or because I was hoe-ing my ass around Philadelphia or anything like that. It's because I dated a boy in college who slept with just about half of Temple University's campus when we were dating. And I dated him for two years. That's a lot of chicks.

I should have been suspicious when Dave came down with a scorching case of genital warts. But I was being all stupid at the time and believed him when he said his doctor told him it was from jerking off with a wart on his pimp hand. That's totally true: I fell for the spiel.

When Dave dumped my stupid ass I wallowed in self pity for about a week. And then one his fraternity brothers took pity on me and told me that Dave had brought home a different unsuspecting [and sometimes suspecting] victim every night that I wasn't at the house. That's when I became the hardened and bitter woman you see before you!

But statistically if you have one STD, you have another -- so I immediately went to the free clinic at Broad and Lombard Streets for a full on exam and battery of testing. I got tested every six months for three years because I was so worried. Plus I've had random checks now and then.

If you've ever had that kind of test when there might actually be a reason to worry, it's nerve racking. It takes up to two weeks sometimes if the lab is backed up. The first time I was tested was the absolute worst...and it's not just because of the waiting.

Have you ever been to an urban free clinic? One that's located almost in the heart of male/tranny prostitute central? Picture me waiting in line with about three female crack whore hookers, about a dozen shemale prostitutes, two dozen drag queens, and three dozen other random people who look like they sleep in the gutter. Now imagine waiting in line there with all of them for, oh, about six hours.

What was particularly funny is that the guy who drew my blood mistook me for a prostitute. He told me that I looked nice in regular clothes, you know, not my "street clothes"...and that I cleaned up nice. He then gave me a card to some sort of hooker rehabilitation place. It's nice to know I give off the aura of being willing to suck dick for $5.

Yeah, so that was my first experience at the free clinic. And you have to go back to the clinic to get your results because they give you a number so you remain anonymous. One of the nice trannies must have known I was sweating it out because he sat down next to me and starting patting my arm and telling me it was all going to be OK.

And luckily it was.

But I have never quite forgiven Dave. I run into him every now and then and he basically kisses my ass and tells me how wonderful I look, blah blah blah. And then I ask him how his genital warts are doing.

---

Excuse me, but when did the bubonic plague make a come back? I know that the NYC health officers are claiming bubonic plague is not contagious person to person, but what if their infected fleas dropped of in Central Park or something and now we're heading toward an apocalyptic infectious nightmare?

OK, that's just the panic setting in. But seriously, I'm a little freaked out that anyone has bubonic plague. I was stunned to learn that 1,000-3,000 people every year [globally] contract the bubonic plague. I guess I'm struck by the millions of Europeans in the Middle Ages who died of bubonic plague, but I guess antibiotics were not quite what they are today. Now, getting the plague is probably like getting the flu.

But it just sounds so horrible: Nicole, you were out sick last week. What did you have? I stand up, smile big, and say, Oh, it was nothing -- just the bubonic plauge. And that's when everyone in my building runs out screaming.

I know this is just a coincidence, but the timing of someone coming down with the plague in NYC is very well timed with the election outcome, don't you think? Heh.

---

It's no secret that I absolutely hate anything remotely related to the Spice Girls. I mean it, too. Their songs give me the willies. Together they were incredibly annoying, but apart they have forged such irritating personas that I would like nothing better than to see them [singly or at a reunion] mown down by an errant bus.

I will fully admit that I laughed and laughed and laughed over this whole kidnap plot against Posh Spice. But I'm slightly puzzled. Why would anyone want to kidnap her? She seems the least fun of the bunch of them. Everytime I see her she has this pinched look on her emaciated face. If I had to kidnap a Spice Girl I'd probably take Baby Spice...at least it looks like she consumes food.

Laugh if you will at the fact that I know their names. You know what they say: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. I once had to choreograph a cheerleading routine for a bunch of 11 year olds to a Spice Girls song so believe me when I say that I consider the Spice Girls Enemy Number One. They are just pure evil.

What really cracks me up is that the gang of would be kidnappers was infiltrated by staff from News of the World. That's like the National Enquirer infiltrating Al Quaeda and capturing bin Laden. That shit is just hilarious. They must be the dumbest criminals in the entire world.

I've spent lots of time over the last half dozen years dreaming about wondering what a Spice Girl funeral would be like. Would preteens around the world mourn for their favorite tarts? Would the Spice Girls be laid to rest next to Jim Morrison in Paris, would cheesy kids from around the world make a global pilgrimage to pay homage?

I would certainly have gone out of my way next February during my trip to Paris to see the grave -- and then I'd dance the horrible dance I was forced to choreograph on top of the grave.

---

My hometown is famous.

It could be considered famous for a number of things, but Berwick, Pennsylvania has finally been made world-renouned -- for vanilla extract thievery.

That's right! According to the manager of a grocery store in Berwick [whom I know], they've been finding empty boxes of vanilla extract all over the parking lot. Why? Because you can't get good drugs in Berwick, that's why! Young ruffians [and that includes everyone under the age of 18 in Berwick] are pilfering bottles of vanilla extract to shotgun in order to get drunk.

Because vanilla extract is 70 proof. I learn something new every day!

Of course, the police immediately think it's kids but what if it's a roving gang of rogue bakers? Vanilla is expensive! Maybe the Future Homemakers of America [yes, Berwick has a chapter for it's high school] have taken to a life of crime in order to fund their jones for chocolate chip cookies? Perhaps the fumes from baking too many Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Thumb Prints have driven them insane? Or maybe it's more sinister -- maybe they have taken a blood oath [thumbs pierced with sewing needles] to destroy the holiday season in Berwick by preventing anyone from baking? And then they will reap the rewards by being the only place in town to get holiday cookies!

It's a conspiracy!

Christmas in Berwick is completely surreal, so it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find out that this is really what's behind the Great Vanilla Heist.

There is this thing called the Christmas Boulevard. It is basically just a series of grass plots in the middle of a wide street [a short street] that gets all gussied up for Christmas and becomes a destination for everyone within a 100 mile radius. Of course, I never understood why anyone would get so hyped up to see wood cut outs of elves and some Christmas tree lights....maybe it's the fact that Santa hands out bags of Weis potato chips.

Yes, that's right -- true Berwickians do not associate Christmas with candy canes or chocolate or even popcorn balls; this special time of year is all about regular Weis potato chips. The blue bag with the big owl. If we had a candy cane factory in town maybe it would be candy canes...but Berwick makes potato chips dammit [and ribbons, dog food, modular homes, and plastic bottles, but none of those seems appropriate for a holiday treat]!

The Christmas Boulevard is really known for it's drunk and insane drivers though. At least three times every year some smacked ass crashed through a plot and mows down an unsuspecting Christmas tree or plywood reindeer. Usually it's a little old blue-haired lady who can't see above the steering wheel, but you also get the trashy family who gets liquored up and decides to visit the festivities.

Ma, git mah coat and a six of Pabst. We is goin' to see the purty lahts on da Bullvard. Kids, pile inta the back a da pickup -- we's goin' to have dinnah. Ya likes tater chips, dontcha?

Ah, home! Maybe this year I can traffic in the vanilla extract black market.

---

So some Norwegians are campaigning to stop Halloween. They're saying that stores are "using fear and violence to sell Halloween goods."

I now have this scene running through my head where stores are running commercials showing scenes were little kids are being offered up as sacrificial lambs to demons, while this narrative plays in the background: "Don't want your little tyke to be eaten alive by Yahwehling the Demon with Big Teeth? Than you better get yourself to my store and buy up some Halloween goods. We know where you live!"

Of course, I'm more disturbed that an American has to put her two cents in. Some chick from the American Women's Club is trying to tell Norwegians that they're obviously just doing things wrong, and if they'd just do stuff in the American way they're Halloween woes would all go away. Stupid asshole.

I know so many U.S. citizens who can't figure out why other countries think we're the biggest schmucks imaginable. I think I just illustrated why though.

Is it too late to move to Canada, where the cannibis fields run free?

---

I wonder if anyone has flunked the Serbian witch test yet. Somehow I don't think weighing me regularly and then while sitting on a broom is going to "scientifically prove" anything, except that Serbian folklore experts are morons.

I have a few Wiccan friends. I asked if any of them have ever ridden a broom. One of them told me that yes, she grows a hairy mole, green skin, wears a pointy hat, and rides her broom in the moonlight. And then she hit me in the head. I'll take that as a no.

Maybe soon they'll be performing traditional witch tests in Serbia -- you know, the one where they tie your hands and feet together and then toss you in a pond. If you sink and die, you obviously aren't a witch. Sorry about that.

Just for kicks, I want to go to Serbia, get weighed with rocks in my pocket and then throw the rocks out before I get weighed on the broom. I want a certificate that officially qualifies me as a witch. And then I want to cackle maniacally and watch as those smart Serbian test-givers recoil in horror and run to protect their livestock.

I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!

---

I'm so saddened by the murder of Jam Master Jay. He will really be missed. He was such a positive voice in the rap community, and, well, I don't know really what else to say. I'm just upset by it.

It seems stupid now to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. But I will anyway: Happy Halloween! I hope that no one soaped your windows last night! There was only one band of marauders in my neighborhood last night -- a bevy of 10 year old boys armed with eggs. Craig witnessed them egging cars, but didn't want to yell at them in case they decided to egg the house in retribution. I said, "Well, don't you think they're going to egg the house anyway? I mean, you're standing in the door glaring at them." Craig must have some sort of reasoning I don't understand, because he turned to me and smirked. "They can't see me here!" Uh, the door is wide open, every light in the living room is on, and you're watching them. They might be stupid, but they're not blind.

Men.

---

I strongly believe in having rights -- the right to free speech, the right to assemble, the right to believe whatever I want to believe or read whatever I want to read. However, I'm having problem with one right: the right to bear arms.

Now don't get me wrong: I don't think gun ownership should be banned. However, violent crime increased in 2001 in the U.S., and 2/3 of all U.S. deaths due to violent crime are gun-related. It's obvious to anyone who cares to accept the facts that this points to a real problem.

I know gun control opponents will say that guns don't kill people -- people kill people. Well, yeah, that's true. But in a country were there are so many people being gunned down it seems criminally insane not to support some type of gun control. I also know that gun control opponents will say that if current gun laws are just enforced, more gun control laws aren't needed. Could someone please point me in the direction of the gun laws that aren't being enforced?

The current U.S. administration is bought and paid for by the NRA. The Shrub opposes government mandated gun registration and gun "fingerprinting." He opposed mandatory child safety locks. When Bush was governor of Texas he signed a peice of legislation that allowed just about anyone to get a concealed weapon license, including convicted felons. Why? What's wrong with gun registrations, fingerprinting, and child safety locks? Why should a convicted felon be allowed to carry a concealed weapon just because they passed a class on gun safety?

Other countries are pointing to the recent sniper attacks and wondering why U.S. citizens should be so surprised. We have the most lax laws on guns in the world and the highest gun violence statistics in the world. Everyone wants to chalk it up to the two suspects as being crazy in the head. I suppose if they had it in their heads they wanted to kill people, they could have just as easily used a bow and arrow. But are we really that surprised that two crazies got their hands on an assault rifle? Don't they sell those at K-mart now?

I don't know what the answer is, but things will never change as long as the NRA continues to throw money at politicians.

---

For a nice change of pace [she says, eyes rolling] here are some ghost-related stories for you:

Legend of the Black Monk

Speculation about the ghost in Three Men and a Baby. I thought everything that could be said about this had already been said, but I guess not. But come on, it's still spooky!

Real Ghostbusters? Hey, it's the Central Minnesota Ghostbusters! Heh. Nice outfits.

---

Shit.

On a plethora of levels and for many reasons. I'll say it again: shit. There's not much more I can say without swearing a lot more.

---

So the Virginia/DC area sniper has requested $10 million, eh?

Is it just me or is anyone else picturing Doctor Evil with his pinkie finger up to his lip? Is the sniper's partner in crime Mini Me? Is he going to steal my mojo?

I can't imagine what it must be like to live in the Virginia/DC/Maryland area right now. Bad things happen every day in any major metropolitan area, but knowing that some complete loon is out there gunning for you for no good reason would make me more than a little nervous. Between last September in New York and DC, and this October in DC I'm ready to move to South Dakota and bunker down in a shack in the middle of no where. Being midway between those two points has frayed my nerves somewhat.

What has made me sick is the fact that politicians in the upcoming elections are using the fear generated by the murders and terrorism [in general]. I'm sure many of you have heard of the whole brau-ha-ha in New Jersey over a replacement candidate for the Democratic party. The two candidates are now running ads banging one another for their views on gun control and terrorism.

My favorite is the one being run by Lautenberg [the replacement]. My favorite quote [picture a sinister voice here]:

Doug Forrester actually said, "It isn't my business if my neighbor wants to shoot semi-automatic weapons." Oh really, Mr. Forrester?

Don't get me wrong here -- I am a card carrying Democrat. I believe in gun control [to an extent]. But that commercial is so over the top. Those commercials make it impossible to consider a candidate's entire platform.

I can't say enough about how important it is to get out there and vote in this election. All elections are important, but this one seems so critical. I had a dream last night that Senate and Congress were Republican-controlled and the Shrub and John Ashcroft were just passing these Nazi-esque laws left and right, and by the end of the Shrub's term it was basically just a police state. Anyone who didn't agree with Republicans were rounded up, jailed, and then shot.

I just keep telling myself, it's only a dream.

---

I find it endlessly bizarre at the things that go on in the military. Being screamed at and forced to run 20 miles in the rain is not my idea of a good time. I appreciate the job the military does, and I understand the need for them, but I could never see myself in the military. I just don't have that kind of drive.

Of course, if I knew I might be chastised with a dildo, I might reconsider. There's something so hilariously funny and so utterly wrong about this statement:

Captain Damir Ilyasov received a two-year suspended sentence for battering his subordinates with a ''black latex baton shaped like a male sex organ''.

It's the ultimate in male fantasy -- if you do something wrong I will strike you with my huge penis. Woe to all who cross me and my penis of death! Heh.

But what is even funnier to me is that someone actually deserted the army because of being struck by the dildo! Bwah! Maybe the former soldier has a complex about flying penises? Or is that penii?

Maybe the American military should start disciplining soldiers that way. Of course, in the American military you'd have to hit male soldiers with vagina-shaped instruments -- hitting a male soldier with a penis would probably go against the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

---

I've gushed before about how much I love living in Philadelphia. I truly do. There are, however, [just like anywhere else] some total whackjobs.

Take, for instance, the case of the gas worker who pissed all over some guy's baseball card collection. As a 12 year resident of Philadelphia, I have a close, personal relationship with Philadelphia Gas Works. They are the biggest bunch of assholes on the planet. More to the point, the people they employ are the lowest dregs of society [for the most part]. They are rude, obnoxious, and completely incompetent. And it comes as no surprise to me that this happened.

The issue of criminals posing as PGW employees is big here. You know, someone has on a uniform and carries a clipboard and people will let them into their homes. Then they get robbed. Obviously even letting in an actual PGW employee into your home can be somewhat of a risk! Heh.

I think everyone has a love-hate [or a hate-hate] relationship with utility companies. For me, the problem lies with customer service. Utilities need to have a huge department for customer service and I swear they only hire the least interested, least qualified, high school drop outs they can find. If you can't spell your own name, don't know how to work a computer, and have atrocious phone skills, well, the job is yours!

Maybe I should look into getting a job at PGW -- I would be the best employee imaginable and I wouldn't even pee on stuff.

---

Ahem. It's true that I don't really care at all about the rights of criminals. To provide moisturizer just seems seems like a perk that is waiting for a punchline.

I understand that health care in prisons can be lacking. However, the Chief Inspector of Prisons in England needs to understand that scabies can't be prevented by providing moisturizer. And who the hell cares if an incarcerated criminal doesn't have skin that is smooth. Who does he need smooth, silky skin for?

Which leads me to the obvious joke just waiting to be made. Heh. Don't these people understand that sex and masturbation is a big part of prison life? It's going to be like Caligula in there! All the free moisturizer you can use, boys! Go to it!

---

Wow! Harry Belafonte knows how to hurt a guy! That's cold!

While I don't agree with all of Belafonte's rant, I almost laughed with glee when I read what he said about John Ashcroft.

Belafonte's comments about Powell were part of a nearly 20-minute tirade against the Bush administration, in which he also likened Attorney General John Ashcroft's tactics to those employed during the McCarthy era in the 1950s...

..."Families were destroyed, neighbors spied on neighbors," Belafonte said of the era. "Now we find Ashcroft cutting in under the guise of catching terrorists, suspending liberties and rights."

Sing it, Harry.

---

I understand why companies feel the need to warn of every possible danger associated with their products. In this atmosphere of litigation-happy fucktards [™ BeerMary], it's all about covering your ass. If Cletus gets out his brand new steam iron and attempts to iron his dungarees while they are actually on his body and burns himself silly, DumbJoe Steam Irons can't be sued for negligence because they have attached a tag to the iron that says "Do not iron clothes while on body." If Peggy Sue is allergic to nuts but eats a handful of Dumass Mixed Nuts and then dies, the Dumass company cannot be sued by Peggy Sue's family because they have a warning right on the label: "This product contains nuts."

The thing that frightens me is that in order for a warning to be on a product, something had to have happened. Have you ever read the warning label of a hairdryer? It warns us not to dry hair with it while in the bathtub or shower, and also tells us that using your hair dryer while sleeping is not a good idea. What that says to me is that Junior was in a hurry so he took a bath and dried his hair simultaneously. Junior dropped the hairdryer into the bathtub, got fried, and then his family sued the hairdryer manufacturer because it wasn't plainly stated that dropping an electrical appliance in water in which you are standing is a Very Bad Thing.

When did we start blaming others for our own stupidity? Furthermore, when did we start being rewarded for being stupid? The guy who is suing several fast food chains for jeopardizing his health should not be rewarded for being a moron. The man has had two heart attacks and has diabetes and admits to eating fast food half a dozen times every week. Is he mentally deficient? Does he live in a box? Has he never visited the doctor's office who told him to lay off the fries?

It particularly enrages me when idiotic people sue and then win cases [read: MONEY] over things that are so blatantly their own fault. A woman sues a furniture store because she tripped over a loose kid and broke her ankle. The kid was her own. It's not the furniture store's fault the woman can't control her kid. An orthopaedic surgeon sues a sneaker manufacturer because she fell when her shoe laces came untied. Well double knot your laces you dumbass!

Pretty soon we're going to have to sign release forms when entering buildings, purchasing things, or going out to eat at restaurants. We'll have to sign away our rights when going to theater in case the pop corn is too hot or too unhealthy.

Maybe I should sue the people suing over stupid things for mental anguish.

---

Is anyone else surprised that no one in the media or the U.S. government has attempted to link the sniper attacks in the D.C. area to al Quaeda-sponsored terrorism?

My bets are on some seriously disturbed, militia-obsessed, NRA-crazy loon [and maybe his friends]. And while I'm not a supporter of mob retribution violence, I understand the instinct. What is a good punishment for someone like this?

I understand that the U.S. criminal justice system is in place to not only punish and/or rehab those who have committed a crime, but also to protect the rights of criminals. I don't disagree that some criminals should have rights. I'm just not sure people who murder should have the same rights as some guy who smokes pot and got caught three times.

I'm not sure I believe that murderers can be rehabilitated. I certainly don't want to live next door to Charles Manson, should he ever be paroled. Like Iain and Shannon said a few days ago -- some people just don't understand the idea of consequence. You might have the urge to do something like throttle the person in line at the Dunkin' Donuts who holds up the line by paying in pennies, but you understand that by doing so you risk being arrested and sued. People who murder [generally speaking, of course] other people never developed a healthy sense of consequence, and I honestly don't think that jailing them for any amount of time and providing them with counseling will help them to develop it.

So when the authorities catch the person[s] responsible for the sniper attacks what should be done with him/her/them? While I know some of you will argue that the killer[s] probably has emotional problems/couldn't help themselves/had a bad childhood, I would like to propose that this person's rights be suspended and be sentenced to a more creative punishment.

I have long supported death row inmates and "lifer" inmates being used for medical experimentation. Like with animal experimentation, I don't believe they should be used for frivolous experimentation [who doesn't know that drinking lye is not a good idea?], but why not use them as test subjects for drugs to cure cancer or drugs to cure sickle cell anemia or M.S.?

I know how that sounds -- it sounds like I'm a cold, callous bitch who doesn't care about people. The thing is that I do care about people. I just don't care about someone who shot eight strangers and killed six of them. It's an extreme idea that will never happen. In my ideal world it would happen. Of course, in my ideal world there would never be a need for it.

---

I fully admit to being intrigued by crazy people. Members of doomsday cults, state militias, and people who booby-trap their homes all fascinate me.

Don't you think that there's a little bit of crazy coot in all of us? Some days I think I'm one wisecrack away from giving in to the insane person inside of me -- the one who will make myself a tin foil hat every day and talk to the park benches.

Of course, maybe the guy who booby-trapped his house really wasn't needlessly paranoid. Maybe his family is certifiably mad as hatters, card-carrying Lizzie Borden axe murders. Of course, he couldn't have been too swift to set off his own trap.

It's kind of nice to know that Americans don't have the market cornered on insane behavior. Some days I think that we're just a little crazier than everyone else in the world. Maybe it's just that American stupidity and weirdness is just more widely publicized.

---

The more news I read, the more I think ignorance really is bliss. I could be convinced that the U.S. government is trying to get us all killed and the there are more evil people in the world than ever, or I could choose to live a clueless life where the biggest problem I have is that I'm going to miss Wheel of Fortune if the pick up truck with the gun rack on the back breaks down on the way home from my job at the pig snout factory.

Sometimes I really envy people who can sit back in their Laz-E-Boy recliners, eating Easy Cheese on Triscuits, mainlining Pabst Blue Ribbon beer while being concerned with nothing more than growing more hair out of their ears and nostrils. Sometimes it seems like a nice alternate choice to live in a world that knows absolutely nothing about foreign affairs and the ridiculous tactics of our government. Maybe I would be perfectly happy thinking that the government is doing it's job wonderfully, America is #1 and the good guy all of the time, and that I would be content to not think about it at all.

Am I better off knowing that the Mayor of Paris was stabbed? Does it do me any good at all to read an editorial outlining who would benefit from the Shrub's inevitable attack on Iraq?

Sure, I know what's going on in the world and I can have an intelligent conversation about foreign affairs. I'd probably do pretty well on Jeopardy. But I'm beginning to have trouble sleeping at night -- I lay awake thinking of all the horrible things going on and all the even more horrible things that are bound to happen.

I bet that I will never lay awake at night and obsess over what letter should have been picked to solve the puzzle.

---

I am anti-PETA and many other animal rights organizations. It's not that I hate animals, or think their rights should not be protected. The real issue I have is that PETA and organizations like them go too far, which makes a mockery of the real issue.

Take, for instance, the animal rights organization that is going nuts because of two cats being featured in a play. One has a gun pointed at it, and the other is covered in catsup [coincidence?] at some point in the play.

I can understand being upset if a cat was actually being shot during the show. And I can understand being outraged if the catsup was left on the cat permenantly. But that's not the case. The cats are loved and treated well.

The argument of the organization is "[a]n animal has no choice whether to play a part in the drama or not. A cat belongs at home near the fireplace not on stage as an attraction for an audience of 300 people."

Uh. OK. So this is somehow more important than going out and rounding up the idiots who leave their dogs out all the time, no matter what the weather? Having a cat on stage is paramount to beating an animal violently?

I have a hard time with animal rights, in general. On one hand, I love animals and the thought of them being hurt in any way rips my heart out. And yet I can understand why animal testing and experimentation is so important. I'm not talking about smearing eyeshadow in a rabbit's eyes to see if it blinds them -- I'm talking about cancer research, and research on important diseases and health issues. I see both sides.

Did you know that PETA has a crusade going against Jack Hanna, the animal guy? What kind of fucked up shit is that? To my knowledge, Jack Hanna is trying to educate people about animals and endangered species. There's no sinister plan to hurt animals.

I rate PETA [nd organizations like PETA] right up there with the Deeply Religious. Both are bad for all involved and help no one.

---

Craig used to have very stodgy, mean neighbors when he was growing up. If he was playing on the sidewalk in front of their house, they'd cuss at him until he went away. If he and the other 10 year olds were making too much noise as they were riding their bikes at 3 in the afternoon, they'd come running out of the house with a baseball bat. They were certifiably crazy old coots.

I know, for a fact, that Craig has often fantasized about sneaking into their house in the middle of the night and shitting in the middle of their living room, or doing something else disgusting. And I'm sure, just for a moment, he was cheering for the kids who beat to the death a man who hit one of them.

Sure, it's disturbing on a wholesale level that these kids had it in them to literally beat someone to death. It seems vaguely Lord of the Flies-ish. But you can't tell me that it isn't the ultimate fantasy of every kid with a mean neighbor. Just the thinking of it, not the actual doing of it, I mean.

Alternatively, every adult with juvenile delinquents in their neighborhoods secretly harbors the wish to be able to beat the crap out of the little shits in the neighborhood who are egging their house, breaking windows, or just generally being evil.

I readily admit to wishing I could just choke the life out of some of the rotten kids on my street. But I just can't see myself actually running up to one of them and punching him [or her] in the mouth hard enough to knock a tooth out.

Charles Young didn't deserve to die for what he did. An arrest for assault, child abuse, whatever -- sure. And, yet, something tells me he was probably a cruel person with a mean and nasty disposition, and the world might be a better place without him. While I am outraged that a rogue gang of pissed off kids beat a man to death, I just can't reconcile myself to feel really sad that he died.

What does that say about me? Am I a horrible person for not recognizing the sanctity of all human life? Have I been desensitized to violence? Do I lack compassion?

---

Somehow I can't imagine Kate Moss giving birth. She hasn't eaten since birth, so I can't imagine how Kate Moss could nourish an unborn fetus and bring it to full term. She must have looked ridiculous -- like an olive on a toothpick.

The whole idea of Kate Moss reproducing is frightening. The idea of the technical parts of giving birth are mind boggling. The doctors would have likely been forced to saw her little pelvis in half in order for her to give birth naturally, so I'm sure she had a C-section. I'm sure she has already gone to the plastic surgeon to take care of the scars and the stretch marks.

I can see it now -- Kate Jr. is 5 years old and already living off of saltines and Diet Pepsi in order to keep her weight under control. Her playmates come over to play in the sandbox, but the kids can barely lift their tiny, puny, skeletal arms due to lack of food. They crawl, bony ribcages dragging on the ground, searching for bugs or anything at all to eat.

Eewwww, I just grossed myself out.

---

Hold up now -- Barry White needs a kidney transplant. Do you think it's strange that I would totally donate my kidney to Barry?

---

At fast food restaurants I will always utilize the drive through window. Mostly it's just an attempt to avoid the bevy of slack-jawed workers that I will inevitably have to deal with inside. I guess one or two boneheads is better than the hordes who are loafing by the milkshake machine. Of course, had I known I could get a side of hash brownie with my Happy Meal, I'd have a brand spankin' new reason to frequent the drive through window.

OK, so didn't the guy who ordered notice his meal was a bit pricier than usual? What? $35.00 for a bucket of chicken? Huh? And he gave back the "special" side! What? Was he trying to give this guy the heads up that he was about to be busted so he could get out of Dodge? But I guess if you're dumb enough to be running drugs out of a take out window with the commonly ordered key phrase "extra biscuits," well, you can't be that bright to begin with.

Heh.

---

Heh. I am so 10 years old. Is anyone giggling like a little girl when they read about the phallic symbol statue that was weeping water?

"...[W]ater flowing from holy phallic symbols ..." -- bwahahahaha! And it's name is Shiva Linga. Linga! Bwahahahaha!

I think maybe it's a little too late in the afternoon for me to reading newstories like this. I'm slaphappy and 10 years old.

---

Craig has two older brothers. Both of them are kind of cute, but the idea of having sex with either of them in a public place along with Craig is gross. Can you imagine being a passenger on the train? Just like I was humming '70s cop songs yesterday, today I'm humming a porn soundtrack: a bowm chicka bowm bowm!

It always seems that neighbors will defend each other in the face of crisis. Whether they are child molesters, or serial killers, or even crazed swingers with a penchant for public displays of affection. A neighbor of the Green's says, "They're good people...It's accusations and heresy. Right now I don't believe it. I don't see him being a crazy guy. I don't see him being a pervert."

Considering there are witnesses and arrests while in the act, it doesn't seem as if that is "accusations and heresy" but whatever. Maybe they're swinging with the whole neighborhood?

It must be all sex all the time here today. I guess sex in a roving van in Bangkok is sort of like the Mile High Club for landlubbers. These guys are so organized -- they have look outs and mobile phones to avoid the police. Maybe this is only my tired brain linking to weird things, but doesn't this totally remind you of the scene in Pump Up the Volume when Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis are racing around town in Slater's jeep trying to elude the police while broadcasting live? Heh. I think I maybe watch too many movies.

---

People do a lot of stupid things, and I'm constantly amazed at just how stupid these things can be.

Let's take, for instance, the case of the first base coach attacked at a baseball game. Did the father and son sit around before they went to the game and think of some cool father-son bonding ritual? I can just imagine them sitting around the breakfast nook in their mobile home, thinking hard. "Well I know, Junior! Why don't we get half nekkid and attack some random guy on a baseball team? We won't get arrested or nuthin'...and I'm sure he'll be a good sport about it and all." The son scratches his greasy head and smiles a gap-toothed grin. "Why that's a fine idea pa! Let me just go get you that knife I sleep with -- won't this be a hoot!"

I'm sure that it will all come out that these two were just trying to test security, or they thought the first base coach was giving them the eye, or that they sit around the trailer park every night wearing tin foil hats trying to tune in Mars. Personally, I'm leaning toward the foil hat theory.

Something less public but no less bizarre is the new law in my brother-in-law's township that prohibits anyone from being on the city streets at any time for any reason, other than to go from point A to point B. Craig was telling me about this last night and my jaw was just on the ground. My brother-in-law [Scott] lives in a housing development near Reading. The development has no sidewalks, but has extra wide streets. And it has just about zero car traffic.

The story is that Scott's next door neighbors are a couple with no children and they hate it when the neighborhood kids play in the street. So they bitched and complained to the township over and over until the township make its ruling. They're saying that the kids have a park to play in -- all they have to do is ride their bikes almost a mile on the highway to get to the park!

So now you can't stand at the side of the road to talk to a neighbor. You can't trick or treat because you can't walk in the street. You can't ride your bike or skateboard or rollerblade or go jogging. You'll be fined $300 if your car gets a flat and you have to stop on the side of the street to change your tire.

People are just nuts.

Craig and I have to up there this weekend for some birthday party, and we're thinking of all these ways we can just be total asses. Like I'm going to stand in a yard on one side of the street, and he's going to stand in a yard on the other side of the street, and we're going to throw a football to each other. They can't fine us -- we won't be actually standing on the street! So if you don't hear from me next week it means that I've been tossed in the slammer...probably with some guys in foil hats.

---

Sometimes I worry that I will end up a crazy bitter coot. Infinite justice here would be to hire someone to flood his fax machine with faxed "answers" to his many inquiries. Of course, the telling factor in this whole story is this tidbit:

Neighbors reported King to county officials over the empty beer kegs, furniture and lawn equipment piled up outside the house where King lives with his 80-year-old mother.

Next time I'm at Disney remind me not to eat at Goofy's Kitchen. "...[R]ats, rat feces and toxic mold"? Um, thanks, but no. I'm kind of grossed out now.

Just some article about the blog-o-sphere.

Bwah!

---

I am not a fan of Bill O'Reilly. I don't think he's got anything intelligent to say most of the time, and it's just a lot of rhetoric to get people talking about him. You know what they say: even bad publicity is good publicity.

That said, the Deeply Religious are at it again and now their beloved Bill O'Reilly is at the center of it all. I may not like what the guy has to say 97% of the time, but no one deserves to be hated like that.

It's typical, really. Those smacked asses over at Concerned Women for America are insane. They claim to be concerned for children, yet they oppose adoption by gay couples. So it's better that a kid should be schlepped around from foster home to home, than be adopted by a loving couple? Yes, it's obvious that these assholes care about children. Right.

Anyway, it's typical because those Stepford wives ladies hold [or I should say, held] O'Reilly up as their Prince defender and then tell him he's going to hell because he disagrees with something they believe in. Why, that's very Christian-ly of them, wouldn't you say? Don't agree with me? Well, you're going straight to hell then mister! They're no better than the KKK or extremists of any religion. The Deeply Religious are scary and must be stopped.

---

I stayed up last night to watch Letterman. I know many of you dislike Bill Clinton, but I have to admit that I kind of have a thing for him.

He and Letterman were yakking about Israel and Palestine, and Letterman asked him what needs to be done in order to stop the violence.

Clinton's answer: "Well, for starters, they have to stop killing each other!"

I was on the floor in hysterics! More in depth type of stuff followed his answer but that's the simplest of realities. If you want peace, quit shooting.

I read a book about a month ago called Turning On the Girls. It was about our world totally screwed up by the male leaders, so they conceded defeat and turned the reigns over to us chicks. It was a funny book, and the premise made me laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming men for all that is wrong with the world. I like men quite a bit [in general], and think that some of them do a fine job. But I'm beginning to think that men who are attracted to the idea of running for office, of holding office, are the wrong kind that should be elected. People who crave power should never be in office, but probably 90% of people in office today around the world are power hungry.

Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

There are just as many power hungry women as there are men, so stop getting ready to send me hate mail. Maybe people don't start out power hungry. Maybe they start out idealistic, but get seduced by the general atmosphere of greed and back biting.

But anyway, yeah, I can't wait until our current President's term of office is up. I dreamt last night that I ran for office and won. But I'd be a terrible President, and I'd never get elected -- I'd be the one refusing to kiss babies.

---

I used to do immigration law work. Aside from standard work visas and green card cases, my firm did alot of asylum work. It was during this time I learned the most about how horrible people can be to each other.

There are two cases that I remember most. One is of a Russian doctor who fled her country in order to escape her husband. He had very strong ties to the Russian mafia [or whatever the organized crime syndicate is called there], and beat her senseless on a daily basis. She couldn't stay in Russia because there was no way to escape him, but to come here she had to leave her entire family behind. Her mother made her come here, so she did. Her husband found her twice in the U.S., so she changed her name and applied for asylum. I had to review her statements, and I usually went home at the end of every day and cried. The things this man did to her are unthinkable.

The second case involves an Egyptian couple. They were Catholic and the man was a doctor. The wife was a teacher. Apparently it was widely known around the town they lived in that they were not Muslim, and they were being threatened for it. One day a group of men came and dragged the husband off to be questioned for some silly thing, and a some of the men stayed and raped his wife repeatedly over the course of 14 hours. They were trying to get asylum here in the U.S., but the woman was so embarrassed she refused to testify. They were refused asylum, and I'm not sure what ever happened to them. After that, I had to quit that job because I cried almost every day.

Atrocities like this happen every day around the world. Shit like that happens every day in the U.S. Sometimes the government of a country condones it.

I get the feeling from reading some journals here and there that people outside the U.S. think Americans don't get that our government has done some sneaky and terrible things to other countries. And that Americans don't care at all about people dying in these other countries as a result.

Our government is trying to convince the world it's a good idea to invade Iraq. Maybe it is or maybe it isn't. Innocent Iraqis will die. Women just like me, men just like Craig...do people think that doesn't get felt here in America? Do people think that we [as a nation] feel good about killing people in Afghanistan?

I read a few journals talking about jingoism and flag waving, and how it's all crap. Being proud to be an American [or Pakistani or British or Scottish or Malaysian] isn't a bad thing. Being manipulated into using it as a springboard for righteous anger is not.

A few months ago I had a conversation with a cab driver who is originally from Iran. We were talking about how our government is so big that it's not hard to get two social security numbers so one could collect two welfare checks. He himself had family members who do so. There's so much red tape that it's easy. And we bitched about it for a couple of minutes, and then he turned to me, smiled a huge smile, and said, "Even so, I would never want to live anywhere else."

I agree with him. I love living here! I don't think it's any better or any worse than living in Canada, Ireland, Australia, or Israel. We basically have the same freedoms to do what we please. I don't think the quality of life varies so much. I probably have the same KitchenAid mixer as someone in Brazil. If I lived in France I'd probably be telling myself the same thing: I would never want to live anywhere other than France.

I'm not naive enough to think that everyone on earth has the same freedoms that I do. I don't have to cover my head and face and body when I leave my house...and I can be President if I want to...and I can bitch about my government as much as I please. I love my country, but it doesn't mean I don't love your country and it doesn't mean that I don't grieve when your citizens die for no good reason.

This is such a long and rambling entry, but I'm really torn up about this. Too many people are taking a day of national remembrance to mean that we care about our own but not about anyone else's.

---

I love it when things change on a universal level. Wouldn't it be cool to look up at the sky and see two moons? Of course, it hasn't been confirmed it's an actual second moon, but I imagine going for a moonlit stroll with Craig that's lit by two moons instead of one.

Is it wrong that I find it hysterically funny that a road crew painted road lines over a dead badger?

How sad is it that a 37 year old man is charging a 72 year old man with assault? While I'm sure Buzz is far from feeble, Sibrel has lost all street credibility.

I pray that the footage of Buzz laying the beat down on Sibrel will be released. Sibrel sounds like a total asshole, and I would love to see him get smacked like a little bitch by someone twice his age. I imagine it to be somewhat like the scene in Happy Gilmore when Happy and Bob Barker go at it.

---

Kylie Minogue is a hag. I'm not sure who is buying her music, but not even the British like her.

Last year while Craig and I were in London, we were waiting for the tube one night. Some completely drunk woman came up to me:

"Excuse me love, I'm on a bit of a bender. Look at your lovely white skin! Why, you won't have to worry about wrinkles at all! Not like that perpetually fake tanned Kylie Minogue. She's got to have skin like an old leather handbag."

And, with that, she staggered away, muttering about Kylie Minogue.

That's funny on a myriad of levels, starting with the fact that even completely sloshed, the woman had such a great accent. She made being pissed sound classy.

Anyway, do you remember back in the '80s when Kylie busted out a remake of Do the Locomotion? Her voice made my skin crawl then, and it hasn't improved with time. Her biography says she was born in 1968, but that would only make her 4 years older than me. I think she's lying, and she's definitely had major cosmetic surgery.

Skin like an old leather handbag.....bwah!

---

I sometimes get confused why predominantly Muslim countries generally consider non-Muslim countries to be evil. Beheading your daughter because you think she might have been raped seems pretty evil to me. I can maybe understand killing the man suspected of raping the man's daughter. But actually beheading your daughter seems, um, extreme.

---

Poor Lance won't be the next rocket man. Call the waaaaaaaaaaambulance.

I understand the importance of space exploration. I can even understand space tourism as a means of funding space exploration. If given a chance, I'd certainly be all about strapping myself in for the ride. However, I start to get a little squeamish about the idea of shelling out $20 million for anything so....frivolous.

Yes, I know I just said space exploration was necessary. But my practical side is absolutely horrified that $20 million dollars is being spent to send some dork into space. $20 million could be used to help find a cure for AIDS or cancer, or fight hunger and homelessness, or pay for college for the underprivileged. That's a lot of money to throw away.

It has always been a major point of contention with me that huge corporations are willing to fund crap like sending Lance Bass into space, but spend only minimal amounts of money on programs that benefit the community at large. And then only because they're required to do so by the IRS. It's a travesty.

Of course, I do know that there are thouands of pre-pubescent girls crying in their Cheerios this morning because their dear Lance has been denied. I can see it now -- there will soon be a "Save Lance's Space Trip" fund. Little girls around the world will send in their allowances to help Lance realize his lifelong dream of being shot into space. There will be rallies in malls across the globe. Behold the power of the teeny bopper and cower in fear!

---

I believe wholeheartedly in freedom of religion or freedom from religion. And I believe that if you want to worship Satan, it's well within your rights.

Most people who condemn Satanism don't know much about it. If you're a Christian then Satanism must automatically be bad, because worshipping the devil can't be good. I've always been really curious about religion, and so I have researched Satanism. The Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey is currently on my bookshelf, next to the Koran, the Bible, and a book about asian religions.

It isn't popular for me to say this, but I can completely understand why people are drawn to Satanism. Some person looking for the meaning of life reads The Satanic Bible and reads about how it's OK to kill someone for raping your child or murdering your mother. On paper, Satanism makes sense.

The problem with the whole deal is that on occasion you may be expected to perform a human sacrifice. Oh, and if you worship Satan you'll have to go to hell. Reading Necrinomicon makes it seem not so attractive.

I'm not such a big fan of organized religion of any sort. I was raised Methodist, baptized, went to vacation bible school, etc. But I just don't blindly believe that there is a god, and I certainly don't believe in Original Sin or any of that crap. To read the bible, women are the reason for all of the bad things in the world. I don't accept that.

My own beliefs are pretty simple. I believe in nature and evolution. I believe in the concept of a soul and reincarnation, but I don't believe the whole thing is directed by some unseen force. I obviously believe in ghosts. I believe in being moral and being true to myself. I see religion as a way shift the blame away from myself if something goes wrong.

---

Being that I am not a skinhead or anything, I totally didn't get the significance of 88 on Target clothing. In my own mind now I am imagining that there is really a closeted Hitler youth contingent in the design department at Target.

Maybe they have meetings to see what subliminal messaging they can sneak into the designs. Next thing you know we'll be seeing sneakers with the 'SS' symbol replacing the Nike swoosh! Aryan Nation morons will be all excited because they can sport their hatewear in public without arousing suspicion of all the normal people with sense.

Some smacked ass has been littering my neighborhood with white supremacy group literature as of late. The culprits will be identifiable when I see a group of roving idiots tooling around in Target threads.

---

I am an optimistic person. After the attacks last year I was sure that at least one person thought dead would be found alive. It turns out that it happened. And there are now several similar cases.

It's wonderful for the families of these people. In a way, this story just tears me up though -- I think of the thousands of families who lost someone that day, and you know that most of the bodies have never been found or identified. So if I were a family member, would I have a little bit of renewed hope? Would I start scouring the hospitals and psychiatric wards again?

I probably would.

It is unbelievable to me that it happened close to a year ago. In a lot of ways it seems like it happened last week, and then again sometimes it seems like it never happened at all. It is too bizarre a thing to have happened, too surreal.

Locally in the news there have been a mess of reports about animal abuse and cruelty. One woman went to the Jersey shore on vacation while her six dachshunds starved to death. Some rich asshole paid one of her employees to kill almost 200 endangered hawks over a 3 year period. Some teenager beat a dog to death on video tape. It's making me sick to my stomach. In every one of these cases, the people are getting a slap on the wrist. The heiress responsible for the death of the hawks has to pay some fines. The teenager is getting charged with a misdemeanor. The schmuck on vacation is in a psychiatric ward. All three of these people should be in prison.

Then this morning there was another story about some dog shelter in Kentucky that euthanizes dogs by shooting them. How heartless do you have to be to shoot dogs for a living?

I admire doctors and veterinarians and nurses and EMTs more than you can know. Anyone who deals with life and death for living, that gets blood on their hands every day, deserves a medal. I could never do that kind of work -- I would cry like a baby every time a patient died.

When I was taking journalism classes, in the writing labs they beat it into your head that when you have a multiple fatality story or a story that involves people getting hurt, always lead with children, the elderly, or animals if possible. People react more emotionally to those three categories of people than regular adults being killed or maimed. For myself, it's true. I don't even like children but I get all tender hearted when a newborn is abandoned behind a bank. Maybe it's been conditioned into me.

Really, it's all about being helpless. Children and animals are basically defenseless. Most elderly people can't defend themselves too well. And so the media uses the very natural human emotion to feel outraged at the unfairness of hurting someone defenseless. I know how it works -- each station scrambles to get the most stories that will make a viewer get emotional, thus bonding them to that station's news network.

It's a crock of shit, and that is why I am no longer a Journalism major [she says, stepping off her soapbox].

---

I can't believe the end of summer is nearing. Where did the time go?

After an entire summer of sweating glowing, and the super humidity, I guess I shouldn't be too upset. But summer always reminds me of not working, and a girl can dream, right?

Occasionally I get upset because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith. Don't get me wrong: I don't actually want to be her. I don't want huge boobs and a small IQ. Millions of people making fun of me is not my idea of a good time. That said, why couldn't I have been conniving enough to hook up with a rich old guy?

I guess the real answer to that is it would be like having sex with your grandfather, and: ew! Yuck! But a rich guy would have been OK.

I imagine myself as a kept woman, spending my days poolside in my fabulous house or shopping with credit cards I will never have to pay off. Then summer really would be exactly as I remember it from my youth. OK, maybe not.

Summer for me as a kid [or before I was forced to get a job] was spent dodging crazy country drivers on my bicycle. We lived out in the middle of nowhere and I had to peddle my ass 3 miles into town if I wanted to see my friends. And the drivers I'm talking about are the kind who own pick up trucks with antlers on the front, a gun rack in the back, and a horn that plays Dixie. They swerve to hit cats and other small animals on the side of the road. So imagine the points available for running over a little girl on a bicycle!

It's probably why I get misty playing Frogger.

---

Happy birthday deathday Elvis!

I understand the cult of celebrity worship. Really, I do! My weird love of Henry Rollins almost borders on stalker-ish. But Hank is hot and alive, whereas Elvis [at the time of his death] was bloated and drug-addled, and now has most definitely left the building.

Yes, Elvis used to be hot. I even like some of his music. But the phenemona that is Elvis Worship is a scary ass thing. When I was little I used to hang out with my grandmother quite a bit. She had two friends, Anna and Paula, who lived together [I'm not sure if they were sisters, but they looked alike] and worshipped Elvis in tandem. Every once in a while I tagged along to visit these two. Anna and Paula's house was decorated in early American trailer trash Elvis. The scariest thing they owned was this massive bust of Elvis that lived on top of their gargantuan television set. I was always slightly scared of it -- the eyes seemed to follow me anywhere I went. Come to think of it, maybe the spirit of Elvis was trapped in it. It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

The Today Show has been running a lot of Elvis-related stories during this holiest of times, Elvis Week. Today they interviewed some of the dorks devoted Elvis fans who have gathered to pay their respects. One toothless lunatic fine upstanding citizen speculated that "the Lord sent Elvis to us for a reason." Maybe that reason was to give us friend peanut butter sandwiches.

Let's all have something triple deep fried today in honor of The King.

---

The Moscow Times has some of the best, most entertaining editorials. The latest is all about the current U.S. administration's preoccupation with war with Iraq. Anyone who refers to Rumsfeld as a "minion" is OK with me. My favorite parts:

In other words, just another typical week in U.S. politics, as the Chief Vacationer and those wiggly invertebrates known as Congressional Democrats continue to build the "bipartisan consensus" for America's first openly declared aggressive war.

The urgency to depose Saddam Hussein seems a bit curious. True, he's a tyrant who deals in political murder, ethnic cleansing, mass repression and aggressive war -- but the United States generally likes that in a foreign leader. Witness this week's decision by Bush to resume cozy ties to the Indonesian military, lately guilty of, well, political murder, ethnic cleansing, mass repression and aggressive war in East Timor in 1999. Not a single top Indonesian officer has faced charges for that attempted genocide: Indonesia's second holocaust in East Timor; the first occurred in 1975, with the official blessing of U.S. President Gerald Ford. But War Leader Bush likes the cut of the Indonesians' bloodstained jib, so he's opening up the spigot again, The Los Angeles Times reports.

I keep telling myself, "Just a few years left, just a few years left" but by that time we may all be dead.

In other news, I am officially on board with The Osbornes. First, Ozzy threatens to chop his hair off if Sharon loses hers during chemo, and now they've adopted the son of close friend who died of cancer. I may be a sucker for being nice, but it's so cute!

---

I have a basic mistrust of having televisions in cars. I know that they're great for keeping kids from wreaking havoc during road trips, but I know myself well and realize that I wouldn't be able to keep myself from being hypnotized by the lure of The Rugrats. Apparently I'm not the only one.

Can you imagine driving down the road during rush hour and getting caught up in traffic behind a minivan with a built in TV tuned to porn? Heeeeeeeeeeeee!

And I love the quote: "it wasn't nothing freaky." Bwahahaha! Geez Cleetus, it warn't like them girls were gettin' biblical with the chickins! Hey pal, ever hear of a double negative?

I don't think porn, as a genre, is bad. If you dig it, that's fine with me -- I have no problems with that. The thing that cracks me up is when men watch porn together, like they're getting together to watch the Lethal Weapon movies. Inevitably, a bevy of straight men are in a dark room together completely enthralled with watching boobies and dicks. And no one seems to feel uncomfortable about it, because watching porn en masse is the Great American Male Ritual.

Most men I've met are uncomfortable with other men's nudity in close proximity to them. Maybe it's overshadowed in porn due to the high visibility and sheer volume of hair pie [yes, I watched Revenge of the Nerds Friday night] and nipples. What I can't understand about the group viewing of porn is how is it that the room doesn't become a seething den of self-pleasuring? I mean, I know that masturbation is a private thing, but I always assumed that men watch porn in order to get excited, which leads to jerking off. So what's the etiquette? If you get an erection in the middle of a group viewing, do you just sit there until it goes away? Do you excuse yourself and then go jack off in the bathroom? Is it the host's responsibility to supply sexual aids and cleaning supplies for the bathroom? What about snacks?

There's alot I don't understand about the draw of porn. When I was a freshman in college, the guys down the hall bought me a birthday present. It was a porno called Ready When You Are, Stud!. It was a joke gift, but they were front and center when we watched it at the party. And it was your standard thing -- hot and horny woman gets it on with everyone and everything she can find. It was a hilarious movie, but the guys were all entranced by a glimpse of labia. It was strange.

---

It's official: I hate Lisa Marie Presley. She stole my boyfriend! And now I can never have him. While I'm sure they will eventually get divorced, I could never love someone who has had sex with someone who has had sex with Michael Jackson. Ewwwwwww!

---

Last night there was a big buzz in my neighborhood: Destiny Wright's body was found 5 blocks from my house. I was certain a news helicopter was going to crash into the house next to mine -- there must have been a dozen of them hovering over the neighborhood all night.

I'll never understand what motivates people to hurt or kill little kids. I certainly don't like children, but I can't imagine a circumstance where I would seriously harm one. For the most part, kids are naive and defenseless and it's just sick that someone would take advantage of that. There are certain types of criminals [rapists of any type and child killers amonst them] that just aren't able to be rehabbed -- execute them or incarcerate them for life, it doesn't matter to me. Just don't give them the opportunity to repeat their crimes. The only upside to this is that they have the girls killer in custody.

---

The end of the current Presidential term cannot come soon enough. I fear that our current "President" will soon have us at war with any nation whose politics don't jibe with his.

Look, it isn't like I think Saddam Hussein is a great guy who is being persecuted by our government [anyone who threatens to station their troops amongst civilians in order to force increased civilian deaths is a slimeball]. I know that he's done some horrible things. But I'm really getting squicked over how this is being handled by the U.S. government and by the U.S. media. For starters, information on war plans being leaked to the press is inexcusable, but the media's reporting on classified information is criminal. Of course, it goes beyond that -- why is it the responsibility of the United States to declare war on Iraq in the first place?

I'm of two minds on this, really -- thinking of Hitler, if the U.S. [or any country] had attacked Hitler's forces during the rise to power could the holocaust have been averted? So by striking Iraq before Hussein has done anything equally sick, do we avert some tragic and crazy plan? I don't know...maybe. But, again, I have not been convinced by anyone that it is the responsibility of the U.S. to wage this war. Isn't this type of thing under the jurisdiction of the U.N.?

Maybe I'm being naive. In fact, I would be willing to bet I don't have a lot of the key facts. But I'm getting wound up about things.

---

Here I am at work and hating every minute of it.

Everyone has remarked on my deep dark coppertone tan and claimed that they missed me, but the truth has been told: someone crucified my bunny.

I have two things on top of my work computer. One is a plastic figurine of Scooby Doo that came from a Scooby Doo board game given to me as a going away gift at my last job, and the other is a Meanies Rabbit that has a bloody stump. My bloody stumped bunny was nailed to my wall with thumbtacks.

It's a threat, I tell you!

Last night after class I watched the news and was flabbergasted at how idiotic Bush sounded while talking about the whole mining accident thing. Granted, Bush sounds like a moron 9 times out of 10, but this was especially silly.

"I believe that what took place here in Pennsylvania really represents the best of our country," Bush said Monday.

Um, yeah. What took place? Oh yeah, the miners were given a map that was wrong and got trapped in a mine shaft. That represents the best of our country? I'm sure Bush was referring to the rescue and all of that, but it just made him sound like a schmuck. Which he is.

So I'm trying to come up with something to do with Crystal in Manhattan on Saturday. Christy is coming with us and we both wanted to see The Donkey Show, but Crystal is only 17 [you have to be 18 to get in]. She's probably dig Blue Man Group, but tickets are getting expensive and I've seen them half a dozen times. Argh. Any suggestions?

---

As a typical American I can barely begin to imagine what it's like to live in a place where there is an active war going on around me. I can't imagine trying to go on about my life, like Angua and others do every single day.

I would imagine that you get used to it, or deadened to it. A bombing in your school's cafeteria would be freaky, but one of those things that just happens. It's crazy to think that you could learn to live with something like that, but how else could you even function?

Hate masked as religious zeal doesn't make a lot sense to me. Whether it's the Hamas or the crazies here in the States that murder doctors who are willing to perform abortions, it's all the same: stupid.

I'm so sad.

---

I read Turning on the Girls last night. I couldn't help myself! And I really liked it alot -- it was hilarious in spots. I've always wondered what would happen if women took over the world, and I now I know one scenario. And the porn! Heeeeeeeeeeeee! A highly recommended read to all and sundry.

It's been really hot all week, which always puts me in mind of my least favorite summer job. That would be working at Sesame Place. You know I'm not a fan of children, right?

So how does someone who dislikes children get a job working with children? Well, the pay is good. And I wasn't actively working with kids -- I was working in Group Sales. So I had to deal with their parents, which is almost worse. I can forgive a kid for being stupid and inconsiderate because maybe they just haven't learned anything yet. But when an adult throws a hissy fit because his or her coupon expired three years ago and I refuse to honor it, well....it isn't nearly as forgiveable.

At face value the job sucked simply in terms of uniform. The polo shirts were bright yellow, the shorts were kelly green, and the belts were super red. Oh, and did I mention the fabulous kelly green satin jackets? Right off the bat, it's just a bad situation.

Oh, and then there were the morning calisthenics we were required to perform in front of the entry point...you know, to show the salivating kids and parents waiting to get in that we were just rarin' to go, ready to serve. It's always fun to do 50 jumping jacks in a polyester uniform when it's 110 degrees with 80,000% humidity.

I felt relatively lucky -- I rarely worked inside the park. I was almost always in a booth just outside the entrance. Inside the park was like hell on earth. Parents fighting with each other, fighting with the characters, fighting with their kids, fighting with the food service people. It's almost an exact replica of Dante's Inferno, with each ride being a different level of hell. The pee-infested waters of the Rambling River, the vomit inducing Vapor Trail, the constant scene of drowning that is the Teeny Tiny Tidal Wave....all are reserved for a different brand of sinner, and I was sort of the gatekeeper.

That summer may just have sealed the deal for me in terms of my rabid dislike of children. And I'm convinced that the park is some sort of evil joke -- last year some parent actually physically attacked one of the characters. How sick is that?

---

I knew it would come up and be an issue, and I was right. My mom started to bitch about Bush today while we were eating lunch [to which I always reply: "You didn't vote, so you have no right to complain"], and I mentioned that I had gotten so wound up that I wrote him a letter about the Pledge being ruled unconstitutional.

Ed chimes in with, "Yeah, that really drives me nuts." I just looked at him and said, "I would bet that our views on this are completely different." And then I went on to say that, while I don't think the Pledge should be ruled unconstitutional, I don't believe the phrase "under god" should be included. I don't think Ed knew what to make of that -- so he told me that there should be more religion in the country. When I asked why he said that this country is lacking "morals."

"So you're equating religion with moral fortitude?" I asked incredulously. He got a little flustered and muttered, "Well yes."

I must have gotten a gleam in my eye, because Ed looked scared and backed away slowly. "I'm not religious. Does that mean I lack morals?" I asked. "No," he bleated. "But you just said that religious beliefs and morals go hand in hand," I said. Ed sort of looked stricken and ran the other way.

Craig is highly allergic to something at my mom's house. It might be pesticides they use on the corn fields behind the house, or maybe it's my mom's perfume. Everytime he visits he gets all bleary eyed and sneezy. So do I, but for different reasons: I just miss civilization.

---

Heeeeeeeeee! The Philadelphia Gay News has an article on the front page today about mullets! The headline reads, "The Mullet: a Hair-do that's a Lifestyle." Bwa hahaha!

Philly chicks are tough, that's all there is to it. If you've been paying attention to all the child abduction stories you know that 7 year old Erica Pratt was abducted two days ago. Yesterday afternoon she gnawed through the duct tape she had been wrapped in, found her way up the cellar stairs, busted through the cellar door, and then busted out the front window of the house to call for help. Girl Power! She should be on a Wheaties box.

If you watch Iron Chef, you might be excited by this -- I get to have lunch today at Morimoto. Since I do watch Iron Chef, I am falling down thrilled about it -- we've been trying to get a reservation for months! I'll have a full report later today.

Instead of obsessing over my Logic homework last night, I watched American Idol. As much as I absolutely can't stand to hear RJ or AJ sing, that trailor trash Ryan Starr has got to go. Way to sing something with lyrics, sweetie! Tamyra sang the hell out of her song though.

---

I'm a news whore. I visit the CNN site, the Virtourist international newspaper links, etc. several times daily. I watch the local news at least twice a day. If I'm properly motivated, I actually watch CNN [but never Larry King, because Larry King is just pure evil].

My point is that I hear about all the crazy and horrible things that people do to each other, and I'm not really horrified much anymore by it. Until yesterday.

Apparently a couple in Burlington City, NJ beat their baby to death and then burnt his corpse in their fireplace. That's just disturbing.

What gives this story an almost black comedy twist is that they were arrested in Kissimmee, Florida. You know, home of Disney.

And so what I imagine is them getting interviewed....

Reporter: So you've beaten your baby to death and burned him up in your wood burning stove. What are you going to do now?
Crazy Couple [in unison]: We're going to Disney World!

On a less grotesque front, I heard back from the chick who is organizing the art retreat. It looks like she wants to go with my piano hinge book binding class and the travel journal class. So I guess I have an upcoming paid teaching gig! Woohoo! I'm really excited, but I don't want to get too excited until I have a contract in hand.

Today might just be a baking day for me. I've been having a wicked craving for caramel apple tart...and since the restaurant that I like isn't serving it anymore, it's up to me to recreate it as best I can. I'm such an "instant gratification" type of girl it might be hard to hold on!

---

I can't open up the paper or watch the news or even walk down the street without hearing something about Allen Iverson.

I don't know if it's like this nationally, or if it's just locally since he is on the local NBA team. I'm sick of seeing him, sick of seeing interviews with his fans who claim that he's being targeted because he's a celebrity and treated unfairly.

Let's review. Iverson participated in a home invasion and threatened someone with a gun. There are witnesses and evidence.

What normally happens when someone busts into someone's house and threatens the life of whoever happens to live there? That's right: you get arrested. Immediately.

And so I'd like to know how it's treating Iverson "unfairly" to let him hang out in his mansion for 4 or 5 days until his attorney returns from a European vacation before he's arrested. He even threw a party at his house the night before he turned himself in. He was kept separate from the rest of the prison population in order to ensure his safety. Yep, sounds really rough, eh?

Who really knows what happened that night...personally, I don't think I could care less. If he did what he's been charged with, he deserves to go to prison. I don't care if he can put a ball through a hoop.

If he didn't do it, it might be a nice idea for him to start acting like an adult instead of trying to pretend like he lives in South Central and leads a desparate lifestyle. Allen, listen up buddy -- you're not a thug. You live in Gladwyne in a mansion and you have a lot of money. Live with it -- stop acting like a moron.

I feel slightly better for having gotten that off my chest.

---

After yesterday's Russian theme park thingy, I'm beginning to think I may be going insane. Today I found out that Sesame Street is introducing an HIV positive muppet.

OK, so I understand that Sesame Street strives to represent all types of people in an effort to break down racial/ethnic/stereotype dividers in kids...but the idea of an HIV positive muppet seems really bizarre to me.

Maybe I'm failing to see and understand a crucial part of the plan.

---

The town that I grew up in is very very small, with maybe 5 police officers on the force. It was like living in Mayberry. Yes, there was the occasionally murder, but there was rarely anything illegal going on other than the rollicking drug trade.

And so, as a result, I have this naive complete trust in police officers. I've never had any reason to fear them or distrust them.

I've lived in Philadelphia for over 10 years now, and I know that police officers are just like anyone else -- some are bad and some are good and some are in the gray area in between.

That said, I still tend to be more sympathetic toward police officers. When the video coverage of this kid being slammed into a police car and punched came out, I automatically thought that the kid must have done something to deserve it. And then again, maybe not. I certainly don't know all the facts, and it's a given that the videotape doesn't show the entire arrest...only the part that makes the police officer look like a lunatic. Who knows, maybe he is a lunatic.

But I absolutely have no sympathy for the stupid guy who filmed the arrest, however. What dumbass makes a huge deal of claiming to be the one who videotaped it when he has an arrest warrant out and a prior conviction on which he skipped out? I laughed my ass off when he was yelling "Help!" in the back of the SUV when they arrested him. And now he's hospitalized...how much do you want to bet that he spent his time bashing his face against the wall trying to make it look like he was roughed up?

People like him make it worse for people who are actually in danger from bad cops. I saw an interview with his lawyers on The Today Show this morning before I left for work. Both of them were in the "righteous earnestness" mode of lawyerly presentation. One of them actually said [and kept a straight face as he did so] that the police punish people for coming to the aid of a black person.

I think I hit the side of my head a few times to make sure I was hearing things right, because that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I'm sure before long he'll have Johnny Cochran representing him, and then the whole thing will turn into more a circus than it already is.

I readily admit that I have no sympathy for criminals. We have debates at work occasionally about whether or not criminals who grew up in a bad atmosphere deserve a break. I am always the one who points out that it isn't difficult to differentiate between right and wrong -- and if you do something illegal you deserve whatever punishment you get.

That's a righteous attitude, especially coming from me. It isn't like I've been a perfect angel at all times. I've done illegal things -- from shoplifting to assault to grand theft auto. And I'm sure, had I been caught and/or prosecuted, I would have thought I deserved some sort of special treatment because I'm me. I'm also the first person to admit that I quit being such a schmuck the second I turned 18 -- because if you get caught after that, you're screwed. And since I'm not willing to do the time, I'm certainly not going to do the crime.

I used to be all for the death penalty. If you kill someone intentionally or in the process of committing another crime, you should be killed. There is the whole "eye for an eye" aspect of it, but also the cost to taxpayer issue. Less criminals to house equals less cost to taxpayers. It's not all so black and white for me anymore -- lately I've been thinking that death may be too good for criminals who kill. Instead of being gang raped daily by big burly men, you're dead. The daily torture might be a better punishment.

The topic of the day in the office today, however, is who the cute boys in music are. I have serious Busta Rhymes and Ice T love...Brooke has Justin Timberlake love. It's a sad day in the office.

---

My day is now complete. Get thee to the Russian Bible-themed Park!

Now, supposedly this theme park is nondenominational, but then why is called a "bible-themed" park? It's a conspiracy, I tell ya! But hey, there must be some fun to be had: "A Canaan town will showcase the dances of the temple adulteresses." Woohoo!

The difference between reality and fiction is starting to crumble for me. I few years ago I got obsessed with James Morrow's books -- he writes wonderful satires with religious overtones that are just hilarious. He wrote a book called Blameless in Abbadon in which the 2 mile long body of god is found off the coast of Antarctica, bought by the Baptists, towed to the coast of Florida, and made into a giant theme park. I'm wondering if this isn't going to be next thing to happen.

If the 2 mile long body of god is towed to Russia anytime soon, I'm out of here.

---

Today is a day when I'm actually doing a little bit of work. I'm writing my solicitation letter series for the upcoming campaign. I kind of feel like a tool as I sit here, racking my brain to come up with the most manipulative thing I can say to make people dig out their wallets and send a big fat check. Yes, little Johnny will be brain dead all his life unless you, Mr. Moneybags, send me all your cash. Now.

I've just about had it with this job. How many years can you beg money from people for a agency whose mission you don't really believe in? And, of course, we're not getting our raises this year so my commitment to this place has plummetted to an all time low.

Have you heard about the pastor who practically beat a kid to death for misbehaving in bible class? Tell me again why religion is a good thing, OK? I'm sure they did it in the name of their god....because according to our beloved President, we're just a big country full of god fearing people.

And does anyone find it absolutely hilarious that Bush and Cheney are being accused of accounting fraud and other business transgressions in the midst of all this crap with Enron and Worldcom going down?

I can't tell you how much I will dance for joy when the other shoe drops.

---

My eyeballs are about to fall out of my head. The cloud of smoke from Canada has been hellish on my eyes this past weekend, and now I think there are ice crystals forming on my contact lenses from the frozen tundra-like conditions of my work cubicle. Seriously, I've been thinking of storing a parka, a team of dogs, and a sleigh in my cube -- it's that cold.

Do you think my company would care if I chopped up my desk for firewood and lit a bonfire in the middle of the floor? We could toast marshmallows and tell ghost stories by the light of the fire.

It's not like I'm half naked in my cube -- I'm wearing long pants, a knit tank top, and a sweater. The only problem is that I'm wearing Birkenstocks...so I guess it's my own damn fault that my ankles are cold. How can I be expected to work when my hands are so cold I can barely type or even grip a pencil?

Maybe it's some sort of test -- put me through extremes to see what my breaking point is. Or, since I get nappy when my body temperature dips below 80 degrees, maybe they're hoping to catch me asleep so they can fire me....in that case, please, fire me! I volunteer for the summer off collecting unemployment!

---

I've long thought that Louis Farrakhan is the stupidest man alive. He has gone on a "solidarity" mission to Iraq, and he said: "the Muslim American people are praying to the almighty God to grant victory to Iraq."

OK, so let's review. Farrakhan hates white people. He hates Jews. He basically hates everyone who isn't black. And he quasi-hates all black people who aren't Muslim. There's a lot of hate going on there. He claims to be the voice of the black Muslim, but many Muslim organizations do not support him.

And now he's praying that Iraq will win a war against his own homeland. What, does he think the leaders of Iraq are going to award him the United States because he's been such a good friend? Does he think that in a war with anyone, the opposing team is going to ask if there are any black Muslims in the crowd before they kill everyone?

My best guess is that Farrakhan has syphilis. Syphilis makes you crazy in the head, and he is just out and out crazy. I love reading The Final Call because it is so blatantly ridiculous. Where else can you find an editorial claiming "The woman is the man’s field to produce his nation. If he does not keep the enemy out of his field, he won’t produce a good nation. If we love our vegetable crops we will go out and turn up the leaves on that vegetable stalk and look carefully for worms that are eating and destroying the vegetables. We will kill that worm—right?" What woman wouldn't adore being compared to agriculture? Hey, that's straight up romantic!

I'm not so stupid as to dismiss him entirely. The man is dangerous. He talks endlessly about how he sees racism in everything, but he really doesn't want every person to be equal to every other person. He wants a divided racial structure. Farrakhan doesn't want me to have friends who are black or asian or latino -- he wants me stop spreading my "White" [yes, with a capital "W"] propaganda [whatever that is].

There are so many things to say on the subject, but I just don't have time to go into a full-fledged rant. Plus, he doesn't really deserve the time and effort it would involve. I feel guilty giving him so much thought as it is.

---

I don't mean to sound callous but if the shooting in L.A. was a terrorist attack, it's not much of one. Random shootings happen every day in the U.S....in order to terrorize me, you're going to have to come up with something a little more out of the ordinary, something scarier.

The shooting in L.A. doesn't really seem like the standard terrorist M.O. anyway. A man with a gun? Hmmmm.....

Yeah, I'm sitting here at home on a Friday. I tried to sleep late but it just didn't work out. And so I'm in the studio watching The Today Show. Now they're talking about Elizabeth Smart. It's a horrible horrible thing that she was kidnapped. The first thing I thought, however, when I heard about this story is "I wonder if she was kidnapped for a child bride?" I was recently reading an article about three women from Utah who escaped "child bride" marriages. They had been married off as young as 12 and 14. That's some crazy stuff. I would imagine that would really only happen if the Smart's are Mormon, but I have no idea if they are. I'm sure it's just something as simple as some crazed child molester, but I can't help what popped into my head. I hope they find her and she's fine.

Yesterday was quite a day. Craig and I decided to see Men in Black II at 11:30am. Since it was 110 yesterday, we thought it might be a nice way to escape the worst of the heat. The movie was OK -- definitely not as good as the first. It might be that I hate Lara Flynn Boyle. She needs to eat a fucking cookie.

After the movie I bought some art supplies and a copy of the Buffy Season 2 DVD and Craig's car died. Now that was fun! It's 110 and we're running around trying to figure out what's wrong with his car. After about 45 minutes of tinkering, Craig figures out that he needs a new battery. As luck would have it, there was a Walmart across the parking lot. Crisis averted.

We stayed in last night -- neither of us felt like fighting the crowds at the Art Museum for the Brian McKnight concert and fireworks. So we're going to Penn's Landing tonight to see fireworks.

Poor Sassy hates fireworks. Every time she heard a boom last night she started to growl. I realize that it's a little odd that a cat would growl, but she's a strange cat anyway. I mean, she's got zits.

---

I can barely believe my ears. I'm listening to the news right now -- some idiots religious zealots in New Jersey have filed a lawsuit to stop schools from teaching evolution. Instead they want creationism taught.

I understand that this is probably a "take that" reactionary type of thing in response to the lawsuit regarding the Pledge of Allegiance. I have to wonder how many of the people behind the lawsuit believe, without doubt, that creationism is the final word in how we all came to be here. As much as I hate to acknowledge them, I know there are many people who completely disregard the scientific evidence that proves evolution.

Obviously, I am a girl of science [for the most part]. I really don't believe in [any form of] god, and I am completely against organized religion. But I was raised to believe in god and I attended a Methodist church every Sunday until I was about 13, and did the summer vacation bible school thing every summer until I was 10. I never gave the idea of religious choice a great deal of thought until I turned 13, although I don't have a clear recollection of what made me question it.

I hate it when people make a choice without knowing the full details of something. So beginning when I was 13 I started researching religions. I even read The Satanic Bible because I wanted to be thorough. So I know the basic tenets of the majority of world religions. I even took a class in asian religions when I was in college -- I want to be able to say that I've made a choice based on knowledge, not tradition.

I fully admit that knowing what I know has made me question religion even more. Most religions are hell bent on the idea that their religion is the one true religion, and everyone else is worshipping the wrong the thing. If there was really a "one true god," I strongly suspect that there would be only one religion. One could counter with the idea of free will. But I need tangible evidence before I will commit my faith to something or someone...and so far, I haven't seen anything like that.

People have countered my argument with the idea of nature. Where do I think we came from, they ask. And how did the amoeba know to grow into a fish, etc.? And they are firmly married to the idea of god's hand setting things in motion. I will admit that Christian creationism and evolution can both be believed in without compromising the ideals of the other. After all, the book of Genesis doesn't say how long each official day was....you could take it with a grain of evolutionary salt and say that each day was millions of years long. You could say that god had a hand in encouraging single-celled organisms to multiply. I can see how you can reconcile one to fit in with the other. What I can't see is completely negating the overwhelming evidence of evolution in favor of a purely creationism view.

---

I am, for the most part, indifferent to the Fourth of July holiday. I used to really enjoy it, but I've become somewhat cynical at the ripe old age of 30. Living in Philadelphia has sort of sucked any real meaning out of it.

Philadelphia -- birthplace of the nation, the City of Brotherly Love, the City that Loves You Back. That's right, you heard me: I can no longer look on fireworks without thinking of our mayor rubbing his hands together gleefully like Monty Burns, counting his big stacks of money. Every year Philadelphia has this thing called Welcome America! -- designed to suck in the tourists.

One of the things that has me livid this year is the sand sculptures at Liberty Place. It's a "tribute to international heroes of freedom." Now, it's a nice thought, but who wants to see the World Trade Centers sculpted out of sand? Out of sand, people! Does no one get the symbolic complexities?

OK, I know what you're thinking: get over it. If no one else feels infinite trauma from seeing the WTC sculpted out of sand, fine. Tourist dollars keep the local economy afloat. I should be happy I live someplace where I can see Colin Powell accept the Liberty Medal.

Sure, OK. But don't come crying to me when a local gives you the wrong directions to the Liberty Bell!

---

Apparently I and most of my friends should be schizophrenic. Considering I have, on occasion, partaken of a toke and most of my friends have joined me in a granny blanket bake, it is a miracle we can still function. Sorry, I'm not buying this one. Wouldn't most hippies from the sixties be raving lunatics by now? It just seems like propaganda from the "Just Say No" crowd.

I have become increasingly distraught over the accidental bombings of wedding parties and villages, etc. in Afghanistan. What is more disheartening is the U.S.'s attempts to turn the blame on those who were killed. I heard one army bigwig guy say that if you're having a wedding near where the enemy is storing guns, it's your own fault for getting blown up. Our government is not willing to take responsibility for its actions. I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm not sure how I feel about the issue of the International Criminal Court, but I do think that Bush's reaction is childish and puts the U.S. in a very dangerous position. I've been thinking about telling people I'm Canadian when I travel abroad because I'm so embarrassed of how our government is behaving. I can only hope that, as a nation, we are smart enough not to vote for Bush again.

---

OK, I've been totally schnookered into getting up early on the perfect Sunday morning to sleep in. I was happily hogging up 3/4 of the bed when I saw Craig look at his watch.

Let me explain something about Craig: he's worse than a 4 year old to wake up. He sits there on the edge of the bed and tries to make me believe that he's so tired the poor dear is going to fall back to sleep just sitting there. It's ridiculous. Oh, and you can't believe anything he says until he is fully awake.

Which is why I can't belief I fell for it when he said it was 11:30 am. I laid there in bed for another 30 minutes obsessing about how much of the day I was wasting, and then I got all crazy about my garden not being watered yet.

So I bounded out of bed with all the enthusiasm too much wine the night before gives you, and ran downstairs...only to discover it was 7:30 am. Dammit!

Of course, I'm one of those people that has some weird genetic farmer thing going on that refuses to let me go back to sleep once I have officially left my bed in the morning. And so here I am, making the most of my morning and feeling kind of cotton-mouthed.

So getting back to the issue of wine....Craig and I went to a new restaurant last night. I was fascinated by the idea of a French restaurant in the middle of South Philly. It's so bizarre -- South Philly is predominantly Italian, with a few pockets of Cambodians and a couple of Irish neighborhoods thrown in for good measure. And so I couldn't imagine that there would be a good French place, and forced Craig to go with me.

Pif [that's the name of the restaurant, I swear] had the feel of any South Philly restaurant -- which is to say loud and not particularly mood-enhancing. It was a nice place, but I think I may have gotten a sunburn from the superbright lighting. I felt like I was in Gremlins: bright light! bright light!

The food was really excellent, surprisingly. I had breaded frog legs in butter sauce and grouper with spinach in garlic sauce. But the dessert -- heaven!

You know I have a big jones for good dessert. I will write a restaurant off if the dessert is lacking. It's imperative that there's a good selection and that whatever I get is just knee-quakingly good. Pif had a wonderful selection of not only desserts, but cheese! I could have cried with joy, because near and dear to my heart, only second to dessert, is cheese. And to offer cheese plates is like...well, let's just say that I was thrilled to see it.

But yeah, I opted for dessert instead of a last course of cheese. My eyes almost bulged out of my head when I saw they had apricot tart. I love apricots, and I've been upset recently because I haven't been able to find any decent apricots in the stores.

This tart was so good it defies description. The crust was perfection and the apricots were fantastic. I do mean perfect. It took me 30 minutes to eat it because I savored every last crumb. I'm a sick woman.

I chose a good bottle of wine to bring with us too [how I love BYOB's] -- it was an Australian Shiraz. I drank most of the bottle, which is why I'm so dry-mouthed this morning.

I am saddened to learn that Rosemary Clooney died. Such a great woman.

Apparently Newsweek ran a poll to determine the popularity of the "under god" phrasing among Americans. They're trying to tell me that 9 our of 10 Americans want the phrase in the Pledge. What a bunch of horseshit. I could understand if it was 6 or 7 out of 10, but 9 out of 10 is just a little too high for me to believe. What did they do -- go into the most conservative Christian neighborhood they could find to do the polling?

Now I'm pissed off....what I wouldn't do for another slice of that apricot tart.

---

I just got back from a really long 3 hour meeting and my brain is completely fried. Why oh why do employers force their employees to sit around listening to stuff that could just be gleaned from a memo?

Sitting in a meeting for longer than 20 minutes is ultimate torture for me. I'm fidgety by nature, but coerced into forced captivity while people throw useless facts at me is just not good. I start to nod off, drool a little, and end up slithering off my chair in a fit of dozing. It's embarra